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Question from Evilnorn  on 11/8/2017 | comment | 4 likes

Dear Laura,
     I'll be direct, since I don't have much time before the others discover my plans. How do I lure creatures into the splicer? They lose interest in food and toys way too fast. Leaving a trail of interesting things only works for a few seconds, before most of them decide to go back to the terrarium.
- Evilnorn

Dear Evilnorn,
     We cannot afford for anyone else to read what I'm about to tell you, so it's imperative that you make sure you're completely alone first... Are you alone? Okay, good. Now, go into the airlock and await my instructions. Everything will become clear, I promise.
- Laura
Question from Fingers Don't Fing  on 11/8/2017 | comment | 2 likes

Dear Laura,
     During my time in space, I've observed many fascinating things happening with my machinery, my Ettins and... well... in space. I'd really like to sit down and document them all, but every time I pick up my pen, I get really bad finger cramps. Once I tried writing with my feet and immediately got toe cramps. Another time I tried writing with my mouth, and I accidentally bit my pen and ended up swallowing the ink. I've also tried dictating my words to the Ettins, but they just repeat them back to me incorrectly and then dismantle my machines while humming out of tune. I have wondered if perhaps Shee were not meant to write - but that can't possibly be true, or where would all the tea recipes have come from? There must be some way, so tell me, what am I to do?
- Fingers Don't Fing

Dear Fingers Don't Fing,
     If your fingers don't fing, does that make them 'gers'?
Short of taking an axe to them, which seems a tad drastic, since who knows how long it would take them to grow back, have you considered that perhaps penmanship isn't where your talent lies? Someone intelligent like yourself can have many strings to their bow, you just need to find yours. For example, I'm no good at yodelling, but I can carry a tune on my harmonica. Unlike me though, I reckon a good substitute for the written word could be found within your voice. Did you know, in days gone by, before online forums were invented, some creatures enjoyed rambling across Albia, bibbling about their everyday adventures for the rest of the world to hear? It is a respected but forgotten art, so I say embrace it and make it your own! Forget about relying on Ettins, for there are many virtues to a good dictaphone. Unlike my kleptomaniac cousins, dictaphones are hard-wearing and are great for sounding important, combating loneliness, recording new tea recipes and documenting clever observations. I'm sure my readers and I would all greatly anticipate the very first podcast by a Shee. If you need suggestions for a working title, I'd be happy to help. :D
- Laura
Question from Reluctant Islander  on 12/16/2014 | comment | 3 likes

Dear Laura,
     I'm stuck on a desert island because the lifts have broken down and the boat is all the way on the other side of Albia. I tried to call for help on the radio, but it's broken; all it does is play the same song over and over. I never want to so much as look at another coconut, the smell of them makes me sick. I'm using my last hooch bottle to send you this message, I just hope it gets through!
- Reluctant Islander

Dear Reluctant Islander,
     There's nothing quite like a desperate survival situation to motivate us to tap into our creative and resourceful side! Using the palm trees and their giant fronds, I'm sure you can fashion a slingshot and catapult yourself back onto the mainland. Hopefully you'll land on something soft! Perhaps you could even craft one of your beloved coconut shells into a safety helmet? ;)
- Laura
Question from Caroling Ettin  on 12/10/2014 | comment | 2 likes

Dear Laura,
     Can you help me? I've been singing carols, but no one seems to care. They just stick me in an empty room. Is there anything that I can do?
- Caroling Ettin

Dear Caroling Ettin,
     Rather than being Scrooges, perhaps carols are just harder for other creatures to understand when they're sung in an Ettin tongue. Seek out the Caroling Wisemen, for they can teach you some festive phrases that everyone recognises, perfect for those yuletide classics and a good old-fashioned sing-along around the Christmas tree... Or around Gaia decked out in fairy lights, whichever look the Hand has gone for with the decorations this year!
- Laura
Question from Distressed Pokemon  on 11/30/2014 | 4 comments | 2 likes

Dear Laura,
     Help me! I'm a shiny Mew, but the Norns could care less. They're big bullies, and I'm not allowed to fight back. They've started figuring out how to use Pokemon attacks, and some of them can use dark-type moves! *Shudders* Is there anything I can do to get them to stop? Uh oh, here comes a Norn! AAAHHH-

Norn used Thief!
It's super effective!
Mew's keyboard was stolen!
Mew fainted!

- Distressed Pokemon

Dear Distressed Pokemon,
     As much as I'd like to say that my knowledge as an Agony Aunt knows no bounds, I'm afraid my expertise doesn't cover Pokemon attacks, or battles thereof. The most I can suggest is throw cheese at your assailants, but that probably isn't the most tactical of strategies... They'll only eat it and get crumbs all over your keyboard! You'd be much better off consulting Professor Oak about this one. ;) Ask me about stinger attacks, on the other hand, and I'm your Norn! I could even tell you how to successfully raid their nests for delicious honeycomb.
- Laura
Question from Overrun  on 9/17/2014 | 4 comments | 7 likes

Dear Laura,
     Help! The Spam Norns have taken over! I was experimenting on their pigment genes, and they escaped in the night! Now they're everywhere! Is there anything I can do to get rid of them? The population is rapidly increasing right now as we speak!
- Overrun

Dear Overrun,
     This is truly a case of testing gone wrong! It's probably best to leave any experimentation to the Shee in future. In the past, you could've just shoved your troublesome test subjects into a nearby portal for another lucky Hand to deal with. However, all portals seem to be out of order these days, so I'm afraid your options are somewhat limited! What you could do, though, is install a Spam Norn filter. Oh, it's not a technological device, but a particularly angry Grendel who just happens to be called 'Filter'. ;)
- Laura
Question from Late Bloomer  on 9/15/2014 | comment | 4 likes

Dear Laura,
     All my friends are getting taller and growing horns, but thanks to my Bondi genetics I'm still a child. Is there any way to speed things up? I'm sick of feeling left out!
- Late Bloomer

Dear Late Bloomer,
     Well, look on the bright side! Childhood can pass us by all too quickly, but you've been blessed with more time to enjoy doing the little things that are frowned upon in adulthood. Go on, play the didgeridoo too loudly, hog the giant beach ball, stuff your face with crobsters until your belly hurts, and win at hide and seek because you're still small enough to squeeze into tight spaces! Just think of how jealous your friends will be, when you stand out as the coolest young dude in the group... And they're all sporting grey fur and a limp. [nsmirk]
- Laura
Question from Terrified Hand  on 9/15/2014 | comment | 2 likes

Dear Laura,
     My Norns are running rampant and foaming at the mouth! What do I do!? They're coming over here...
- Terrified Hand

Dear Terrified Hand,
     Well, this is what happens when you wash their mouths out with soap. A good drink of water should cure them. ;) I know it's hurtful when your little darlings say "eem eat hand", but installing the Eat Hand agent is definitely a more tactical way forward. Just think of your poor fingers. You only get four, and one thumb, after all!
- Laura
Question from A Siamese Norn  on 9/14/2014 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I hit the Hand a lot because I was bored. Then it exploded into a mass of... Something... That turned into a beast and now there's no light, no bioenergy, and dozens of creature corpses! The beast might take Gaia next, and I'm scared of what will happen! Should we try and get the Hand back, or should we go through with what Gaia calls "CTRL+Pause"?
- A Siamese Norn

Dear A Siamese Norn,
     Firstly, I wouldn't believe everything that Gaia says. It's hard to trust a Geat who will eat anything that isn't bolted to the ship! It also wouldn't surprise me if she was partially responsible for rousing the Hand's ire. Some creatures seem to forget that underneath their powerful exterior, the Hand is still a real being, with real feelings. No matter how invincible they appear to be, anyone would crack under such torment. While it probably doesn't realise that slapping is a form of communication, I think it's fair to say you went a little bit overboard! Next time, use your words instead of your paws and if you're bored, well, the Training Dummy hasn't been known to fight back! As for the Hand, an apology can go a long way, along with peace offerings of tea and a plate of its favourite biscuits... When it's calmed down, of course. Try and stay out of its way for now!
- Laura
Question from Not Delicious  on 9/10/2014 | comment | 3 likes

Dear Laura,
     Help! Norn home full of dragons and eem scared! Dragons eat eem's lunch, stole toy, Ettins and even Grendels are hiding. Dragon ate Hand. Eem next? Maybe run dragons?!
- Not Delicious

Dear Not Delicious,
     Legend tells of a statue craved in the image of our formidable forefathers, the Shee, hidden in the bowels of Ancient Albia. What you should do is find a fellow Norn crazy enough to try and lure the dragon into its clutches. Of course, we'll need some bait... Perhaps the Edible Doozers will appeal to its appetite! ... What? You didn't think I meant your friend there, surely? If the Shee are smiling down on you, then the hypnotic draw of the statue's malevolent eyes should send the dragon into a deep sleep, after which I strongly suggest a big cage, or similar. Anything to keep the beast at bay until a replacement Hand is found. Failing that, I've heard that the 'Desktop' is a lovely holiday destination at this time of year?
- Laura

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