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Question from Rightwalking Rigby  on 9/10/2014 | comment | 1 like

Dear Laura,
     Some trickster broke into the Comms Room and injected one of those strange looking arrows. Now the whole terrarium is walking against the wall, and we can't stop! The Hand is away at some "Tea Convention" and won't be back for a few days. I had to shout at passing creatures just to send you this message, and now the whole ship is walking against this wall! What can we do?
- Rightwalking Rigby

Dear Rightwalking Rigby,
     It must be quite a strange arrow, if the entire terrarium is walking against the right wall! [noddeye] Unfortunately, you might have to persist through this ordeal until the Hand returns from its tea convention. It sounds like a rather serious problem, and I don't think it would help if you were to push anything while the Hand is away. You know, this could actually be a prime time to create a new set of group dance moves, such as "Right Walking Riot" or maybe even, "Shuffle to the Right, Right, Right"... Okay, okay, that was cheesy (speaking of cheese, I do hope food is still within your reach!), but seriously! This is the perfect opportunity to make new acquaintances.
- Laura
Question from Glitchy Neon Geat  on 9/8/2014 | comment | 3 likes

Dear Laura,
     Help! Whenever I look at someone else, plants can't grow where I was standing anymore! Also, whenever I touch something, it turns crazy, flashy colors like me and vanishes! The Hand says that I'm a glitch. What's going on? Help! *Keyboard glitches out and vanishes*.
- Glitchy Neon Geat

Dear Glitchy Neon Geat,
     I think if you *static noises* will happen to get better. Glitches aren't always so ba-*more static noise* and before you know it, you'll be *connection drops*.
- Laura
Question from Slave  on 8/25/2014 | comment | 3 likes

Dear Laura,
     God keeps beating me, trapping me with Grendels, making me eat weeds and I'm full of toxins. How should I remedy this situation? Whenever I try to convince him to stop, he just threatens to 'export' me. Is exporting good? Is there alcohol there?
- Slave

Dear Slave,
     If you're looking for a better life then I'm afraid your only choice might be to escape! Have you seen those glowing blue portals around the Capillata? Well, you're going to have to take your next opportunity to dive into the nearest one. With any luck, you'll be whisked away to a new world, ruled by a new god, who will most likely be a much kinder ruler. I wish you all the best with your next adventure!
- Laura
Question from Family of Silent Norns  on 11/20/2013 | comment | 4 likes

Dear Laura,
     My family and I have a problem: We can't speak! Our Hand keeps putting us by a computer, but we can't say what it wants us to. It said if we don't talk we're going through a Warp! [nscared] We try and try and try, but it's no use. Please help us!
- Family of Silent Norns

Dear Family of Silent Norns,
     In all likelihood the Hand's threat is an empty one. The mysterious portal known as 'The Warp' hasn't been in operation for a while, so the Hand will just have to keep you around, whether it wants to or not. In the meantime, perhaps you can turn your predicament into something positive. I've heard that miming can be a great hobby for those of few words, and if the other Norns find you amusing, maybe your Hand will rethink its attitude towards you! A family troupe would be a huge hit at parties, especially with your headlining 'push computer and break it' routine. [nwink] Then, who knows? First the Capillata, then the world!
- Laura
Question from Trainee in Agony  on 10/31/2013 | comment | 8 likes

Dear Laura,
     Oh Laura! You truly are my idol! How are you so successful? Is there a secret to your ways with words or how the creatures just seem to flock to you? I'm but a lowly Mouse Norn trying to eke out an advice column of my own, but ohh! All the other Norns on Albia think it's a terrible idea! Even the Hand laughs at me! [nblush] What can I do?
- Trainee in Agony

Dear Trainee in Agony,
     Don't they understand how difficult it is for a young, enterprising Norn to strike out on their own these days? Don't they realise that being a columnist isn't all glamour, cups of tea and happily tapping away on fancy typewriters? Not only do we often have to demolish the walls of Writer's Block with a giant sledgehammer, but there's also the worry about not giving the right advice. I think it's about time they learned to appreciate your kind and giving nature! Try pretending that you're another creature with a similar problem and write in to your own column, before responding to it with an overly heartfelt and sympathetic reply. Pull on those heartstrings! Not only should this play on the other Norns' consciences, but you'll also be seen as a successful agony aunt to whom others flock to!
- Laura
Question from Frightened Hand  on 10/31/2013 | comment | 8 likes

Dear Laura,
     I was giving my little gal, Maggie a bath when I noticed that her face paint wouldn't wash off. You see, she went Trick or Treating as a Gargoyle Norn, but it doesn't come off at all! What should I do?
- Frightened Hand

Dear Frightened Hand,
     This is where the beauty of Mother Nature comes into play! Winter is coming, which means Maggie's face paint should fall right off, along with her Summer coat. Luckily, most Halloween cosmetics for Norns are designed to take advantage of shedding fur; the perfect remedy for frightened Hands! Meanwhile, Maggie could always take the opportunity to scare the other creatures for any leftover candy! [devil]
- Laura
Question from Hurt Hand  on 10/31/2013 | comment | 1 like

Dear Laura,
     I'm having some troubles keeping my Norns happy and not fighting, but whenever I do I cramp up! What can be done for my Norns and me?
- Hurt Hand

Dear Hurt Hand,
     Nobody ever said that raising fuzzy little scamps wasn't stressful! Perhaps you need to take a step back and look at the situation from an arm's length. The Stop Slapping Norns agent should calm your charges down a bit, which will give you the breathing space to do something nice for you. Why not treating yourself to a massage to help ease those cramps? Let all your built up tension escape through your fingertips, then be fully pampered with a manicure to finish off. Afterwards you should feel refreshed and relaxed enough to return to your Norns, who should be behaving themselves better!
- Laura
Question from Invisible  on 10/29/2013 | comment | 9 likes

Dear Laura,
     How come none of the other creatures can see me? And while we're at it, how come I can walk through walls? Could it have something to do with that Deathcap Mushroom I ate a few weeks ago?
- Invisible

Dear Invisible,
     Oh dear! You really ought to exercise more caution over what you snack on in futur- no, wait, you can't eat anymore... Well, perhaps you should just lay down, have yourself a nice, long rest and enjoy thinking up all the ingenious ways you can scare and play tricks on the other creatures instead. Walking through walls has to have its advantages!
- Laura
Question from Unnamed  on 10/28/2013 | comment | 8 likes

Dear Laura,
     The Hand just can't decide on a good name for me! It's really frustrating because all of the other Norns have great-sounding names, but I'm stuck with 'Unnamed'. I hate it, as you can probably tell. Do you have any good name suggestions I could tell the Hand about?
- Unnamed

Dear Unnamed,
     You can't blame somebody whose name is 'Hand' for not being too original in that department... Although you might suggest he 'maybe push Autonamer' next time it's around. In the meantime, you might ask your friends to call you Ed for short.
- Laura
Question from Fatigued Ettin  on 10/27/2013 | comment | 7 likes

Dear Laura,
     No matter what I do, my tiredness drive is maxed out. I've tried everything and nothing helps. It's really affecting my work repairing gadgets. What's more, I had a look at myself in the Science Kit, and there doesn't seem to be anything wrong! [nsleepy] I'm at my wit's end so if you have any advice please let me know!
- Fatigued Ettin

Dear Fatigued Ettin,
     The Science Kit has been dispensing mouldy carrots and displaying the lyrics to 'Grendel Paradise' for the last seven weeks. It should be somewhere on the list of gadgets to fix! My advice is to take a long break, possibly with some tea to help you rest, and then move the Science Kit to the top of your list and fix it. That should help us along in trying to find out why you're feeling so tired.
- Laura

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