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Question from K'aeloree  on 7/30/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I've become addicted to caffeine, and can't get to sleep. I've barely had two hours of sleep in the past three days... The reason for this is because I started drinking coffee so I could stay awake for my Norns. Should I blame them for it? Please help!
- K'aeloree

Dear K'aeloree,
     I sympathise with you, it must be very unsettling to have your daily routine disturbed relentlessly by artificial life forms. Yes, I know it?s your duty to guide your Norns through life and care for them, however, your game has a 'Pause' button for a very good reason, I suggest you use it. ;) And ditch the high caffeine intake; it isn?t doing you any favours. Wean yourself off the coffee by dumping your entire supply into the ocean and switching to hot milk instead. You'll sleep like a baby soon enough.
- Laura
Question from Feanaro  on 7/29/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I have heard that you have changed the colour of the 'Ask Laura' answering pens. What colour are they now? If they are available, can I have one?
- Feanaro

Dear Feanaro,
     Are you tired of regular ballpoint pens? Fed up with the uneven ink flow and their inability to write upside down or on nonporous surfaces? Then why don't you try our new Creatures Caves exclusive...

Ask Laura Greener Than Green Pens?!

A breakthrough in writing utensil technology! Its ultra lightweight body allows you to write in the finest calligraphy you can muster up without cramping your style! Efficient and practical, its revolutionary instant-drying ink allows for smudge proof documents.
Only three easy payments of $6.99 a month and you get an extra piece of cheese for free! What great value! If you are not satisfied, send it back for a full refund, no obligation! But keep the complimentary piece of cheese as our gift to you. Though, don?t take our word for it, see what this cheerful Oxymoron had to say:

"As an official Ask Laura? pen tester, I try all these pens out to make sure that they are of the finest quality before they get to Laura's hands, and I must say that this model is an exceptional one? I have never seen a greener pen!"

So waste no more time, order yours today! You?ll be super glad you did.
- Laura
Question from Feanaro  on 7/29/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I have a Norn that recently became pregnant and now she has a huge craving for chocolate. There's never any left in the cupboards for anyone else. The dentist says that if she continues she may have to get some teeth pulled out. I never give her chocolate anymore, but she always finds a way to get some, what should I do?
- Feanaro

Dear Feanaro,
     I see you've been lax once again in watching over your Norns, Feanaro. I would advise letting her have whatever she wants. You do not want to see a pregnant Norn angry. :| Just obey the laws of personal hygiene and get her some toothpaste for goodness sake. That way everybody?s happy, your Norn will be happy because she'll still be able to eat her chocolate, and you'll be happy because you won't have to pay out for another trip to the dentist.
- Laura
Question from K'aeloree  on 7/29/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Recently I was playing in the garden with my Norn, Ginny, and she pointed at the clock, and suddenly I heard twelve chimes. Two minutes earlier, I could have sworn it was only 9 o' clock in the morning. Does Gin have some sort of special power, or am I just imagining things?
- K'aeloree

Dear K'aeloree,
     Since I think someone's been reading Harry Potter way too much, I have decided to humour you. ;) Yes, clearly Ginny is in possession of a 'Time-Turner', (a device capable of time travel) and thus, has caused the both of you to travel three hours into the future. In order to safely return to the present, Ginny will need to turn the hourglass three times in an anti-clockwise fashion. I suggest that you confiscate such items henceforth; they obviously aren't safe in the paws of a small Norn.
- Laura
Question from Feanaro Calmc  on 7/29/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I have some Norns and one of them is climbing up the big tree overlooking the water. He's saying things like, "blub laugh in face of fear" and "blub go high". The tree is very high up, I am really worried that he may fall. What should I do?
- Feanaro Calmc

Dear Feanaro Calmc,
     It appears your Norn has 'high' aspirations in life. There's not much you can do, except pray that he doesn't fall and badly injure himself. Don't worry, I'm sure he can swim. Perhaps next time you'll watch over your Norns with more care.
- Laura
Question from Fushionator  on 7/26/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I have a world with eight lovely Norns and one hooligan Norn who bullies the others. I am really worried for their safety, I turn my back for a few seconds and it's there hitting them, shouting rude comments such as, "em hate blub, me hit blub". Please what should I do?
- Fushionator

Dear Fushionator,
     Time for a much needed lesson on self-defence I think. From now on, every time this Norn decides to bully the others, provide them with some sharp objects and discreetly suggest that they chase him up a tree. Then only agree to let him down safely if he promises to behave. Repeat this process until he turns over a new leaf. He'll soon learn not to mess with a majority!
- Laura
Question from xXxHannahxXx  on 7/25/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     My Norns have recently been looking at the computer and making angry faces. The other day, one looked at the computer and in the bubbles it said "Norns are dangerous" and "Better watch out". After reading the question, from Dibble McTibble, about the Norns finding a portal from the game into his house, I'm extremely worried something is going to happen to me! What should I do? I tried killing it but it keeps coming back.
- xXxHannahxXx

Dear xXxHannahxXx,
     Export the angry Norns from your world straight away and banish them to the 'My Creatures' folder. Norns like this can be dangerous and since the Shee didn't have the hindsight to provide us with any defence mechanisms against these furry little blighters (why would they? They seem so innocent...). It could be disastrous if immediate action isn't taken.
- Laura
Question from Dibble McTibble  on 7/25/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Recently I've noticed strange happenings, both in my Creatures games and in real life. Firstly, some of my Norns have momentarily been missing from the game and then re-appearing again a minute later. Objects from my house go missing and then replicas of the missing objects appear on the game. Then objects from the game go missing, and life-like versions end up in my house. And also, I've been noticing Norn-like shadows out of the corner of my eye. I think the Norns from my game have created a portal from the game into my house and are stealing and transferring/trading goods. Please help! :(
- Dibble McTibble

Dear Dibble McTibble,
     It appears that your Norns have evolved into a clan of budding merchants, or they're just a gaggle of rampant materialists. This is never good news. Don't worry though, for I have developed a cunning plan. Go through the portal yourself so that you're transported into their world. You'll need a cover up of course, I suggest that you disguise yourself as the Hand using a cleverly placed glove; they won't look at you twice. Once there, you can now begin to infiltrate their economy and plunder it by stealing their means of currency; carrots, honey, machinery, anything which could be used to trade with. Congratulations, you've just sunk the population into an economic depression! :D They won't be trading for a while I can assure you. Now, it's just a case of stealing your stuff back and returning home safely. As a further precaution, I think that you should destroy the portal, by hacking into the Portal Dispenser and disabling it. The Norns will no longer have access to your home.
- Laura
Question from K'aeloree  on 7/25/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Who ARE you, and what have you done with our Agony Aunt, Laura?! I know Laura really well, and you aren't her. PLEASE EXPLAIN!
- K'aeloree

Dear K'aeloree,
     Never before, during my entire time as the Caves' advice columnist, have I ever come across such an assumption! Had you even bothered to research your claim, you would've discovered that identity theft is the deliberate assumption of another person's identity, usually to gain access to their finances or frame them for a crime. This is certainly not the case here and I strongly suggest that you present me with sufficient evidence before you start making half-hearted accusations. [angry]
- Laura
Question from Cascading Martin  on 7/25/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Why are apples so? I really could not figure this out, so I would really appreciate your help.
- Cascading Martin

Dear Cascading Martin,
     Why are apples so... So what exactly? So red? Well, I have a story about that. Long ago, the Great Shee formed the first male Norn, Adam, and sent him to live in Albia's garden to watch over it. Adam was allowed to eat all the fruit within it, including the ripe and succulent green apples which laden every tree branch. The Great Shee then put him into a deep sleep, took a rib from his side and from that, formed the first female Norn, Eve, to be his companion. So anyway, one day Eve said that she was "intensely hungry for protein" and so decided to eat an apple. The poor bashful apple was so overwhelmed by Eve's radiant beauty, that it blushed a deep crimson and apples have been red ever since.
- Laura

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