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Question from ZimIsSoCool  on 7/4/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I know Norns are trying to take over the world but mine are not evil! ... Are they? I don't wanna uninstall C2 and C3, I downloaded too much for them. Can I train them to be nice?
- ZimIsSoCool

Dear ZimIsSoCool,
     Whilst furthering my research into the ins and outs of Norn Psychology, I have now come to the conclusion that the idea of Norns being evil is quite out of the question. Feel free to disagree with me m'dear, but Norns hardly have the intelligence nor the capacity to put together a coherent sentence, let alone take over the world. It would put too much of a strain upon their admirably tidy little minds. :) Do not let them fool you into thinking any different.
- Laura
Question from Miss D. Goddard  on 5/10/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I represent a company interested in taking alien technology left over by alien invasions and crash landings that were covered up by the Government. We have made many, many advancements from it, Broadband for example. We recently found some items and one of our personnel identified it as Shee Technology. We did an advanced search on it through our new internet systems. This website came up and we were wondering if you know anything about this Shee Technology, where it came from and what it can acheive.
- Miss D. Goddard

Dear Miss D. Goddard,
     Please take your business elsewhere! I am only a humble Agony Aunt in search of enlightenment through helping people. What's more, I have been sworn to protect the divine secrets of the Shee, and will not reveal them to some company only interested in their own gain.
- Laura
Question from K'aeloree  on 5/6/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Please help me! I have a serious problem with my Norn, Realla! She likes studying! Is there something wrong with her? Does she have a psychological condition?
- K'aeloree

Dear K'aeloree,
     That's what she wants you to think... Believe me K'aeloree, I have a PhD in Norn Psychology and I can say with confidence that Realla could, in actual fact, be studying the behaviour and mannerisms of the Hand by night. These little blighters cannot be trusted! I don't need to remind you that if she learns too much, the outcome could be catastrophic to all Handkind. I think some kind of handwear is in order, not only to provide ample protection, but to also double as a cunning disguise; gloves don't have any characteristics to take into account. ;)
- Laura
Question from K'aeloree  on 4/26/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     My Norn is addicted to terrible music, like Britney Spears and Eminem; I'm sick of it in the utmost. Have you ever heard 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' played 16 times in a row? Trust me, you don't want to. Please, is there anything I can do to help cure her of this dreadful addiction to pop music?
- K'aeloree

Dear K'aeloree,
     I disagree with you on this one. You should allow your Norn to listen to her music, even if it is trashy pop or rap, so long as she agrees to keep the noise down to a sensible volume. It's self expression, and just like their dreams, interrupting them can be devastating to a Norn's mental health.
- Laura
Question from Trapped Ettin  on 4/8/2005 | comment | 1 like

Dear Laura,
     I am from a very intelligent race of Ettins. One day, when I was experimenting in the Warp, I accidentally got trapped inside! Fortunately, I had my portable T.A.S.L., which stands for "Time and Space Laptop", and was able to contact you here on Earth in the 21st century, I hope. Please, do you have any idea on how to escape the Warp?
- Trapped Ettin

Dear Trapped Ettin,
     Being trapped in the Warp is not a very entertaining situation. In order to get out and (hopefully) reach a safe destination, you should reconfigure your T.A.S.L. to open a rift in the Space-Time Continuum. To do this, boot up your T.A.S.L and load the file called 'Notepad.exe'. While the program is running and waiting for your input, reconfigure your clock using the Chocolate Chips-Matrix stored within your cookie jar. When you've done that, enter "There's no place like home..." into Notepad three times and save the file. You should be home faster than you can say "I love Laura and will give her all my cookies!".
- Laura
Question from Confused Carer  on 4/5/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I was tucking one of my baby Norns into their cot when it suddenly shouted "Laura!". It keeps shouting it and I'm worried it might wear out your name? Please, how can I keep it quiet?
- Confused Carer

Dear Confused Carer,
     It appears that your baby Norn has finally learnt its first word; a proud moment for any doting parent! :D Though you may not appreciate it, once the first word has been learnt, your Norn will probably repeat it for hours and hours, feeling delighted with its newfound communication skills. The only thing you can do is just sit it out patiently and hope that the little tyke wears itself out. However, it if does get too tedious, I suggest that you gag it with a large piece of cheese. This should drown out the noise and allow you to get a good night's sleep.
- Laura
Question from Megan  on 4/5/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Help me! My poor little Norn has poked himself in the eye with a stick! :(
- Megan

Dear Megan,
     Honestly, the antics that Norns get up to these days, I've just about heard everything now. First things first, use the Health Kit to administer the appropriate first aid. I suggest an ice pack to reduce any soreness and swelling. Once that is done, ensure that any sticks and other sharp items are put well out of your Norn's reach. Perhaps now he'll learn that playing with sharp, pointy objects can be dangerous. ;)
- Laura
Question from K'aeloree  on 4/4/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I'm absolutely certain my Norn, Timmy, has a crush on you. He stole the signature that you gave Tiffy, and now carries it around with him, and sleeps with it underneath his pillow. Is having such a crush dangerous? What should I do about it?
- K'aeloree

Dear K'aeloree,
     Aw, bless his little heart! On the contrary, I don't think there's anything wrong with having an innocent crush, I'm actually rather flattered! :) I remember having a crush myself when I was his age; it's perfectly normal and it was bound to happen sooner or later, believe me. I do not object to this crush of his, like I said, I'm flattered, but promise me that you'll keep it under control? You see, as much as I adore Norns, I don't want to find Timmy hiding in the bushes outside my home with a pair of binoculars, it would be very awkward for the both of us. Regarding the stolen autograph, I'd be more than happy to sign one for Timmy, as I think that could prevent any unwanted sibling rivalry.
- Laura
Question from Scared Gamer  on 4/4/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Help, I was playing Creatures 3 when the Grendels came closer to the screen and cracked it open with a hammer! They were attacking me and I'm really scared! I've managed to lock them in another room, but they will escape soon enough. Please help me!
- Scared Gamer

Dear Scared Gamer,
     Before we go any further, it's important that you keep a clear head. Panicking will only make the situation worse! Barricade yourself in the room where your computer is, and temporarily fix the screen with sellotape to avoid anymore intrusions. With that matter taken care of, immediately begin to uninstall Creatures 3 completely. Doing this, should not only remove any additional danger, but it should also remove the Grendels which you have locked in the other room. To prevent this regrettable incident from happening again, I suggest that you confiscate all questionable objects from the Jungle Terrarium; the Grendels obviously can't be trusted with any kind of hardware.
- Laura
Question from Eem the Ettin  on 4/2/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     People saying that we Ettins steal machinery is giving us a bad name. What can we do to stop this prejudice against Ettins?
- Eem the Ettin

Dear Eem the Ettin,
     I know that you Ettins have nothing but good intentions, but some of the machinery that you so generously disconnect and horde for "safekeeping" is actually vital in the efficient running of the ship. But I can understand what you're saying, the other inhabitants get the wrong end of the stick and accuse you of stealing, and it isn't nice. :( However, it seems apparent to me that they merely do not realise that you're only trying to do them a favour. This misunderstanding could be remedied by explaining to them what your intentions are and apologising for any inconvenience. That way, they'll understand why their machinery keeps disappearing. I would advise that you put it back from time to time though, especially if it's needed.
- Laura

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