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welcome, guest |
| Question from Najib the Bengal Norn on 12/9/2009 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Najib the Bengal Norn, I'm glad you've discussed this with all of your family before going through with the adoption, but have you considered the possibility of adopting an orphaned youth who would really benefit from a loving family? There are limited resources on the Ark, so it's usually better to redistribute the cheese to already-living Norns, unless your wife is also your three-quarters sister, and your children are also your cousins. For some reason Hands get really picky about that sort of thing.  - Laura |
| Question from Does Not Smell on 12/8/2009 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Does Not Smell, The Hand does not have sweat glands or fur like you do, nor does dirt stick to it. It is merely a clever automation, designed by the Shee, to provide Norns with their every daily wish. Hands do not need showers, Norns do.  Showers feel nice, and if you use them you?ll be less likely to get sick. However, if its pleasant and calming ambience is too boring, or too sissy for you, you might consider going for an invigorating swim in the ocean. After plunging off the end of the jetty you should re-emerge squeaky clean and sweet-smelling! Perhaps you could invite the other Norns along too and rebuild your bond with a "Who can make the biggest splash?" contest? Just make sure that you stay close to your pal the Porcupine Puffer Fish in case you get too tired.- Laura |
| Question from The Borg on 12/7/2009 | comment Dear Laura, Dear The Borg, I must warn you that most of the Shee's computer systems still run 'Windows XP' or 'Windows Vista'. It is therefore unadvisable, and downright dangerous, to attempt to assimilate their technology. If you destroy the 'Microsoft' offices and return in a decade, I'm sure we'll have a perfect Utopia for you to destroy and assimilate. Whilst you're waiting though, the Ask Laura Atomiser Cannon ? makes a great pretend-battle toy. - Laura |
| Question from Simon the Grendel on 12/5/2009 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Simon the Grendel, I'll let into a secret... When a boy Grendel likes a girl Grendel very much, he starts to want to do strange things, like shine his scales, and take long walks with her. When you do these activities, although you might think it's yuck now, you will enjoy them very much. So, why not ask the Hand to help you choose a mail-order bride from The Creature Repository, and then set up an introduction? I recommend that your first date takes place during the day, in a romantic setting like the Grendel tree house, or the piranha pond, somewhere you can get to know each other over a nice picnic lunch. After that it?s entirely up to you. I also suggest that you carry a nice colourful bunch of fungi upon meeting, as a gift for your new girlfriend. You may feel like it's a waste of time to meet girls, but when a boy Grendel and a girl Grendel kisspop, the most wonderful thing can happen - a new egg! So, when you?re both ready, just remember to follow up the slap with a bit of tickle and your world's population crisis will be at an end. - Laura |
| Question from Rainbowcat on 12/3/2009 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Rainbowcat, Firstly, give any remaining Norns something else to occupy them, out of harm?s way. Perhaps you could clear out the piranha pond and let them have a paddle? The primary way of keeping the Rexes happy, to my mind, would be to give them an abundance of Grendels to devour. Hobble a strider; its plaintive cry will entice more Grendels to emerge to be sacrificed to the Rexes, and leave a Wind-up Car somewhere conspicuous, so that your Grendels can try to make their escape. After all, making sure that the Rexes get enough exercise is equally important! You could also make it a little sporting too, just for kicks, by strategically placing a few Selective Force Fields around as obstacles. Any Grendels that survive the first night will become wise to the Rexes' ways, so make sure to provide the Rexes with fresh meat regularly. ![[evil]](/images/smilies/evil.gif "[evil]") - Laura |
| Question from Matty Mernorn on 12/2/2009 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Matty Mernorn, Why yes, I think throwing starfish would indeed be an excellent way of fighting off the Grendels who are chasing you for your sandwich. They make good weapons when thrown like a Frisbee, being that they?re sharp and pointy. However, I strongly advise against eating sandwiches underwater. Regardless of your aquatic breathing abilities, you will choke. - Laura |
| Question from YuGiNorn on 12/2/2009 | comment Dear Laura, Dear YuGiNorn, First and foremost, avoid the temptation to challenge Grendels to duels, I don't think they go by the rules of the Marquis. In regards to the cards, your Hand might be concerned, given the last fad for Pok?mon led to hundreds of Pok?mon running wild across the Ark. I was told by several scared onlookers that you couldn?t walk standing upright, for fear of being smacked in the face by Pok?balls whizzing through the air at Speespeed!  Perhaps though, if you promise your Hand that you?ll play with them responsibly, it?ll let you have that deck of Yu-Gi-Oh cards. The cards should go back to being cards after you?ve played with them though, they might be removed if not.- Laura |
| Question from Moss the Treehugger Norn on 12/1/2009 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Moss the Treehugger Norn, Don?t panic, for I see a great opportunity in amongst all your confusion. Get yourself a fancy-schmancy top hat, a bow tie, and a soap box and set up an attraction in the middle of the Meso to showcase your unique talent. You?ll have curious Norns pitter-pattering from all corners of the Ark, eager to be astounded by your rare gift, for a small entrance fee of one piece of cheese. Their mouths will be agape in wonder, as they watch you correctly guess that one Norn is thinking "push button". Their eyes will be rapt when you ask them to look into yours, while you implant the suggestion that they are Doozers into their tantalised minds. I see ship-wide tours, I see you becoming an instant hit. First the Meso and then, who knows... the Warp! I see the Hand being seriously impressed by you when it returns, not forgetting that you?ll make yourself a tidy fortune, all of which you?ll be able to EAT!  - Laura |
| Question from Helena on 12/1/2009 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Helena, While running away to the jungle may seem attractive at the moment, it will not solve the problem. Without resolution, Bernard might pine away for your love, and it's plain to see that he has no idea of Abby's affections for him. Men! Abby will lose her dear confidante and ally (that's you, sweetheart), and as for yourself, living in the jungle with mosquitoes and rocklice and Grendels (oh my!) you'll never know what might've been, and you may find yourself regretting your plan of running away in the hours to come. Since we Norns have no concept of fidelity, I think that negotiating a compromise where both you and Abby share Bernard would be easy. I think that way everyone will be happy. I?m sure you can all sort it out amongst yourselves. Maybe devise some kind of 'Bernard Rota', so that you can figure out who spends time with him and when, if you feel he can?t focus on both of you at the same time. After all, apparently friends share everything. Good luck!- Laura |
| Question from Adyson the Lonely on 11/28/2009 | 1 comment Dear Laura, Dear Adyson the Lonely, I suggest you use a bit of reverse psychology here and develop a nauseating infatuation on Nicholas. Go to the moon-drenched shores of the ocean and write your name and his together in the sand, in a big green love heart encircling you both. Offer to give him a hand massage. Don't take no for an answer. Turn to the monitor often and stare soulfully at him. Hint loudly that you are "intensely friendly". Demonstrate your urgency by stating this every five seconds. Go completely over the top and refuse to eat or sleep until your feelings are reciprocated (note: eat and sleep when his back is turned). Eventually he?ll cave in and find you a suitable companion, for the sake of his own sanity! ![[devil]](/images/smilies/devil.gif "[devil]") - Laura |
I can't bring myself to tell Abby either, it would break her heart if she knew that he fancied me and not her! What do I do, Laura? I want to run away to the jungle and never return! 
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