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Question from Green Norn  on 1/12/2007 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Hello, I'm sure you remember me as the Hippie Norn. I'm back, with a vengeance! Prepare for utter annihilation! Prepare for the death of your Creampuffs! And don't get me started on Quack's Atomic Baloney!
- Green Norn


Dear Green Norn,
     Old and tired joke detected. Commencing ignore mode. Seriously, I think you overrode your good taste chip on that one. ;)
- Laura
 
Question from Mental Civet Norn  on 1/12/2007 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I have a spot! What do I do? Is it infectious?
- Mental Civet Norn


Dear Mental Civet Norn,
     You do nothing, you're fine. Just avoid looking into mirrors at all costs, they're so overrated.
- Laura
 
Question from Persecuted Ettin  on 1/11/2007 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Hello. I am the head Ettin from the society Ettins Against Discrimination (EAD). Recently, the Hand of our world has taken an obvious opposing side to EAD. Whenever we held signs and protested in front of places with high Norn activity, the Hand locked us in airlocks and threatened to open them. Whenever our secret meetings were discovered by the Hand, it would tie us up and place us on the platform over the piranha pool, threatening to push the button (and sometimes doing so). There are other ways in which the Hand has made us silent, which include locking us in places and feeding us a seed a day, giving all protesters high amounts of alcohol so they can't think or protest right, and even telling Norns to spy on us. How can we change the Hand's ways, or should we just resort to violence?
- Persecuted Ettin


Dear Persecuted Ettin,
     Just surrender all of their machinery that you've "borrowed" and nobody will continue to get hurt, I can assure you. What could you Ettins possibly want with a Pregnancy Indication Device anyway?
- Laura
 
Question from Sober (hic') Bengal  on 1/11/2007 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Help (hic')! I am a Bengal and I (hic') just tested (hic') myself and they say that I have (hic') high levels of (hic') alcohol when I obviously (hic' hic') do not (hic') have a sign of (hic') alcohol in me (hic'). How can I (hic') convince my Hand that I'm (hic') not as drunk as I say (hic') I am. No wait... (hic') I am drunk as I says I'm (hic') I'm not as drunk as I (hic') says I is! No... (hic', hic')
- Sober (hic') Bengal


Dear Sober (hic') Bengal,
     Firstly get rid of those DAMNABLE hiccups; they're annoying and obviously make you appear as tipsy as a Shee Lord. For a drunk Norn you are quite adept at stringing sentences together, so use that in the argument against your Hand.
- Laura
 
Question from A Worried Ettin  on 1/11/2007 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Help! My "buddies" have locked me in an airlock with a bunch of Grendels. They thought it would be a good joke! Em really in pain. Retreat Grendel!
- A Worried Ettin


Dear A Worried Ettin,
     Before we go any further, it's important that you keep a clear head. There are no bars for you to squeeze through and escape, and manic wall-bonking will only result in you being unconcious, and you really don't want that when you're trapped in an airlock with a posse of Grendels, do you? No, I say, try to make the best of this time and build a rapport with your fellow captives - play a game of 'Twister'! I imagine that watching you and bunch of Grendels putting "right paw red" would be quite amusing. Hang in there!
- Laura
 
Question from Troubled Norn Father  on 1/10/2007 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I am a highly respected Treehugger Norn. My family has been highly respected for many generations, going back even to the ages when the Hands came to the worlds. But my daughter, Julie, has fallen for a low down and disrespectful Toxic Norn. I've never met him. But I know if he inherits our house (Julie is my only child) then he will stink up the family tree, and our house. Julie remains in love with him, and I fear plans of eloping. Could you help me convince my daughter to give him up? Thank you.
- Troubled Norn Father


Dear Troubled Norn Father,
     Toxic Norns have been given a lot of bad press. It sounds to me that you're basing your judgement of him purely on Toxic Norn propaganda and you haven't even met the poor lad yet! It's not his fault that he's the way he is, his biochemistry has been turned upside down through no fault of his own. And have you stopped to consider Julie's happiness in all this? Whether she's from a highly respected family or not, she has the right to date whoever she wants. Try and see in him what she sees, he may appear to be infectious and disease-riddled on the outside, but that doesn't mean his heart is! Just cut him some slack (and invest in plenty of air de-odorizers).
- Laura
 
Question from Hates Leet  on 1/10/2007 | comment

Dear Laura,
     My Creatures are speaking Leet, even when they speak Bibble! It drives me crazy!

Norn: 33m bibb13
Ettin: g3t g4dg3t
Grendel: m4yb3 34t 3l3v4t0r


Great, now I know so much about it I can speak it perfectly! HELP!
- Hates Leet


Dear Hates Leet,
     I refuse to even dignify this question with a response, the very mention of l33t offends my screen. ;)
- Laura
 
Question from Orfeo  on 3/26/2006 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I have two Norns of each gender in a metaroom and they're all the same species. Both of the females became pregnant, but when one became pregnant again, the other didn't. Now the one who didn't get pregnant twice keeps saying "maybe why self". What does that mean, and how can I make her less depressed?
- Orfeo


Dear Orfeo,
     Just give her an antidepressant agent, and perhaps a Norndoll that she can carry round and pretend it's a real baby Norn.
- Laura
 
Question from Beh  on 3/23/2006 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Beh g graaaah. Beh extremly angry. Beh hit norn.
- Beh


Dear Beh,
     This is not a question, nor is this column a venting board for your violent musings. You obviously have some issues but I am no specialist in Grendel psychiatry. No, someone of your temperament would benefit from the expertise of a friend of mine, Dr. Ron, but he's away in Outer Mongolia at the moment. He's collecting gene samples to aid research for sick Outer Mongolian hunchbacked Doozers, a highly noble cause.
- Laura
 
Question from Grndl  on 3/22/2006 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Help! I'm a hungry Grendel living in the upper regions of the Jungle Terrarium, and I can't find anything to eat. I've tried to improvise, attempting to eat the teleporter, the elevator, even myself! But I've found that metallic objects don't taste very good, and eating myself is painful! I've tried appealing to the Hand, by telling it how hungry I am, but it responded by taking away all of the mushrooms and seeds! I'm getting very hungry, please help!
- Grndl


Dear Grndl,
     You know, I don't think the Hand likes you, just a thought. Life isn't always fair and you've got the raw end of the deal. If you're brave enough, you could always go fishing for piranhas, I hear they're rich in protein... and also easier to digest than the Ark's equipment. ;) Good luck, I think you'll be needing it!
- Laura
 

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