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| Question from Worried Hand on 2/18/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Worried Hand, Well, can you please tell him to stop sending his scripts to me? Despite being a well-known columnist, on and beyond the Shee Ark, I unfortunately do not have any contacts in the film industry. Besides, I don't think Norns are really cut out for the set. Some of us can't even follow directions without the Hand holding our paw, plus we'd make terrible stunt doubles if it involved getting wet. It'd be a lot safer to give him a few finger puppets so he can enact his own screenplays himself.  - Laura |
| Question from Pregnant With Twins on 2/18/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Pregnant With Twins, Please try to calm yourself. Such panic can't be good in your condition, and things aren't always what they appear. Your spouse really doesn't seem like the cheating type to me, and he obviously dotes on you. I don't know many Norns who'd willingly go out at all hours to fetch their partner some carrots, and with peanut butter no less! There could be an innocent explanation for his tardiness. What if these ChiChi ladies have their own young mouths to feed and he just stops by, on his way home, to check they have enough food too? Of course, if I'm completely wrong about this then you're well within your rights to hide in the tall bramboo, with a rolling pin, ready to strike! - Laura |
| Question from Swettin on 2/17/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Swettin, Why do you think your species enjoys roaming the Ark and hoarding every gadget that crosses their path? My theory is that it isn't really because you're all plagued by Kleptomania, but rather you're all just glad to escape from that oven we call the Desert Terrarium! You might've also noticed several doors in the desert. If you feel adventurous, the door on the lowest level leads to the warm climes of the Aquatic Terrarium; a haven with facilities ideal for any sweaty creature! Soothe your buttocks in the cool, refreshing waters, play with the exotic agents that adorn the golden sands, or simply watch the ribbons of dazzling marine life glide past. You?ll never want to leave... Or can, for that matter. Be sure to give my regards to the Rainbow Sharklings.  - Laura |
| Question from Creatures Humane Society on 2/12/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Creatures Humane Society, Now that you ask, I don?t think a couch would really suit me. However, I?ve always fancied the idea of having my fur woven into a trendy rug, should I finally lose The Game in a duel with The Grim Reaper. I guess I?ll just have to amend my Will now, and deprive future generations of Norns from warming their weary toes on my woolly fibres.  - Laura |
| Question from Designer Ettin on 2/8/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Designer Ettin, If only you?d jumped on the bandwagon sooner! Once a must-have for the Norn Home, furnishings tailored from various corpses are seemingly going out of fashion. I?ve witnessed Grendel-hide couches being launched out of the airlocks, or abandoned on the bridge to gather dust, in recent days, because their owners cannot sell them for love or carrots. Apparently, they're also subject to many consumer complaints about possessions getting lost too easily inbetween the cushions. A design flaw, I gather. In short; like those tired Grendel hides, this upholstery industry is now in tatters. If I were you, I?d just keep the Ettin-fur couch as an inheritance for your offspring and take up designing blueprints instead. Or hand knitted tea cosies. - Laura |
| Question from Hungry Banshee on 2/8/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Hungry Banshee, Call me a picky eater, but I think I?ll give it a miss this once. I don?t like seafood, due to my deep-rooted fear of aquatic critters wrapped in bread... and a Banshee Grendel?s cooking, for that matter. - Laura |
| Question from Valiant Norn on 2/5/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Valiant Norn, Put some ice on it and listen up. Arrogance is not attractive in a potential mate. Take it from me, no self-respecting female wants to date a Norn who loves himself too much, and now you have an angry paw print across your cheek to prove it! I think you?d benefit from doing a spot of voluntary work around the Ark; caring for the sick Ettins in the Medical Bay, or coaching less fortunate Grendel youths on their self-defence skills (don?t forget to stage the fights, to make it look like you lose) are just some of the selfless ways in which you could help your fellow creatures. I?m sure you?ll feel better for putting others first, and who knows? You may even impress this girl, and save yourself the shame of another slap! I wish you luck, and know that I will be publishing this letter for your fans to read. Nobody?s perfect, and humility is the first step on the road to self-improvement.- Laura |
| Question from Ameilia on 2/5/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Ameilia, Tell the Hand to press the 'Mute' button on its computer and then try to giggle. Problem solved. - Laura |
| Question from Previously Craving Tea on 2/4/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Previously Craving Tea, Our Ettin neighbours are a hardworking species, well known for their technical expertise. So, with these assets at your disposal, why don?t you strike a deal with them; their skills in exchange for a share of your tea supply? A provisional Tea Leaf Tariff could be: '12.5 g: Deliver agents to friends and family in the other terrariums. 14 g: A loan of any hoarded gadget. 25 g: Restock all of the vendors. 40 g: Oil any creaky elevators. 50 g: Build a new blueprint for the Norn Terrarium.' I?m sure you can negotiate the terms. Just be careful not to exploit the Ettins' services and good nature, otherwise I can foresee the Hand putting a stop to this operation and, before you can say "one lump or two?", those lucky fish in the Aquatic Terrarium will be having a tea party. - Laura |
| Question from Concerned Norn on 2/4/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Concerned Norn, Why yes, there certainly is something wrong with the game 'Toss the Smartest Norn Into the Jungle'. Just count your lucky carrots that you've been fortunate enough to be thrown to the Grendels on their bi-annual 'Cheese Appreciation Day', supposedly. Fret not, I'm sure the ever-gallant Hand will come to your rescue once it realises you're missing. While you're waiting, you could humour the Grendels by asking them what their favourite variety of cheese is. You might even come out of there with a tasty new recipe! - Laura |
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