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Question from Yours forever, Romeo  on 10/27/2005 | comment | 1 like

Dear Laura,
     For so long I have worshipped you from afar. Your beauty, grace, intelligence and killer sense of humour. Will you make me the happiest Norn in the world, by consenting to meet with me?
- Yours forever, Romeo


Dear Yours forever, Romeo,
     Oh Romeo, Romeo... :( I am so very sorry, but I am afraid I'm somewhat already attached to AquaShee, Lord of all oceans blue. You see, when Liam cruelly jilted me and left me standing at the altar, my Lord came to my rescue and swore that from then on, I shall forever be his. And of course, I accepted. Being the fair young maiden that I am, always eager for a good whirlwind romance, I just couldn't tear myself away from his fiendishly handsome beard, or his crazy jellyfish thing! Hence, he took me upon his noble steed, and we both rode off into the sunset. We've never looked back since. I did love Liam; my cup runneth over with love for him in fact, but now my cup has been emptied and a little residue is all that remains. So you see regretfully, it is with a heavy heart that I must turn down your most generous proposal. I am sorry that I cannot be the Norn of your dreams, but I shall also remind you, that there are many pebbles on the beach and other fish in the sea. Never lose hope Romeo, there is no reason why the right Norn shouldn't come along.
- Laura
 
Question from Nishette  on 10/14/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     How are you so NICE all the time? If I was in your position I'd certainly implode, or explode, whichever you prefer.
- Nishette


Dear Nishette,
     I can categorically say that the 'niceness' you describe is only something that I show to people who ask clever and well-formed questions. If you were to re-submit your question, without punctuation and accompanied by 'l33t' spelling, ("y0 d00d th1s 5h1zZ47 RoXx0rzZ!!!!!!11eleven1111one" - I mean, really, what's the point? :|) you would soon find out that I am not the oh-so-friendly-pea-green-pen-totting Treehugger that I appear to be, but instead a ferocious female who can unleash the uncapped fury of a Hardman at will. ;)
- Laura
 
Question from Mean Norn  on 10/10/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Me really mean. Me hit Norn. Me really want to behave. Can you help? Eem really want friends.
- Mean Norn


Dear Mean Norn,
     Well, Mean Norn, hitting people for no other reason than to cause harm to others could be caused by a case of troubled feelings, brought on by a distinctive period of emotional turmoil during your childhood. Therefore, you should revisit your childhood spiritually, and defeat the demons causing your anxiety. You'll be a better Norn for it afterwards and I'm sure you'll make lots of new friends. :)
- Laura
 
Question from Grendels Hate Me  on 10/7/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     My Grendels don't like me, I don't know why. I feed them, pet them and treat them with love but they won't love me back. Then I'm forced to beat them into the piranha pool for not loving me. What should I do?
- Grendels Hate Me


Dear Grendels Hate Me,
     Grendels aren't used to being petted as your Norns are, because let's face it; a slap is a sign of affection amongst their species. You really shouldn't punish your Grendels for not loving you either, it just isn't in their nature for them to respond to affection in a Nornish way. Saying that, you still need to care for them, but if you try to care for them as if they're Norns, they won't take you seriously. Of course, they are rougher than the Norns, but if you treat them correctly, they will respond with their own Grendel-like affections. In order win their respect back, you could always supply them with a Beowulf Norn piñata that they can hit at will with sticks, I'm sure that's something that they will appreciate. ;)
- Laura
 
Question from Guybrush  on 10/6/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I am a Norn that has recently been adopted by a secretive Hand. My old owner had many many Norns, but my current Hand has only me. Sometimes it leaves me alone for ages, but has forbade me from touching the Infirmary door. Of course, one day my curiosity got the better of me and I went in... My new Hand is a Norn Torturer! There were hundreds of statue bodies. Eem extrmely scared! What should I do? :o
- Guybrush


Dear Guybrush,
     I hear that 'Arsenic' has an interesting effect on enzymes and that protein-rich beings, like the Hand, have a severe weakness in this area. Why don't you slip some into its morning coffee?
- Laura
 
Question from Bamboozled Hand  on 9/27/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I'm afraid my newly adolescent male Norn has an annoying habit of oversleeping! He won't wake up before lunchtime, and even then he isn't as active as my other Norns. How can I help him?
- Bamboozled Hand


Dear Bamboozled Hand,
     I've come across this problem many, many times in my years of studying Norn Psychology, and I've come to the conclusion that adolescent Norns need a lot more sleep in general than the others, especially after a heavy night at the Hooch still. ;) Why don't you agree on a "wake up" time he adheres to on school days, to keep his attendance levels good, and let him sleep in on other days?
- Laura
 
Question from Curious About Norns  on 9/23/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Why were the Norns made? What happens when they die? Is there a Norn after-life for good Norn girls and boys?
- Curious About Norns


Dear Curious About Norns,
     Maybe the Norns were created because Steve Grand was bored one day and wanted something to do? I don't know. After death, had the Norn in question obeyed the hand unquestionably, spoken only when spoken to, played kindly with all distant relations, and finally went swimming in the piranha pool when instructed, they get to sent to Silicon Heaven, a haven where one (according to some Greek Norn philosophers) can enjoy eating all the cheese and honey one likes. There is no sickness there, nor Grendels. On the other hand, if the Norn in question was bad, well... Let's just say death is a little less enjoyable. Some also say that there is nothing after death, but then, where would all the calculators go?
- Laura
 
Question from Bamboozled Hand  on 9/22/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     One of my Nornettes doesn't want to go to bed when I say "Bed!" I'm concerned for her health, and the next day, she's listless until she gets her morning cuppa. I know kids will be kids, but it's somewhat ridiculous! What can I do? (Besides administering a knockout serum).
- Bamboozled Hand


Dear Bamboozled Hand,
     Well, obviously your Nornette has been on the 'Net' in the wee hours of the morning. Perhaps an internet addiction is the problem here. Get her out, put her in the basketball team at Norn School, and see if there are any changes. I, uh, can't speak from experience at all, of course. I'm always out, uh, playing, um, sport and stuff.
- Laura
 
Question from Yendred  on 9/22/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I'm a Norn scientist and I've come across something unusual. My research team and I have been making a '1D-WORLD' simulation on the learning computer in our spare time. However, the '1D-WORLD' program has tapped into a truly 1D universe! Art, culture, history, science, it's all there. I don't think Albia's ready for this. Can you help me work out how to break the news and protect the 1Dians?
- Yendred


Dear Yendred,
     It seems that you have discovered some of the joys we once discovered in playing with your world, Albia. And, like us, you will make similar mistakes. You will seek to exploit '1D-WORLD' and use it to your advantage. You will soon know the pain, and fear we once knew, but no more. We befriended the likes of you, and we now live in peace and harmony in C12DS, creating new worlds for you to you to explore and delight in. Norn Society will go through many changes, including the loss of small birds. Small birds will flock to the computers that access 'ID-WORLD', and will stay there, staring at the screen, as though entranced by the movements of the creatures within. But do not be afraid! Soon larger birds will take the places the small birds once had. Chaos will ensue the loss of the small birds. Scientists, obsessed by the idea of other life, will work night and day to communicate with the string-like 1Dians, to no avail. To add to the insanity, priests will step forward and say '1D-WORLD' is the work of the Devil, and try to do everything in their power to eradicate it. Yeah... Just think about that!
- Laura
 
Question from Krabby the Crobster  on 9/22/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I'm a humble Crobster. The Hand keeps talking about something called the 'Bioenergy Machine'. Should I be worried?
- Krabby the Crobster


Dear Krabby the Crobster,
     Oh look! A convenient distraction! Krabby, I want you to very s-l-o-w-l-y scuttle away. Scuttle away s-l-o-w-l-y Krabby, and don't look back!
- Laura
 

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