Dear Laura,
I am a Norn that has recently been adopted by a secretive Hand. My old owner had many many Norns, but my current Hand has only me. Sometimes it leaves me alone for ages, but has forbade me from touching the Infirmary door. Of course, one day my curiosity got the better of me and I went in... My new Hand is a Norn Torturer! There were hundreds of statue bodies. Eem extrmely scared! What should I do? 
- Guybrush
Dear Guybrush,
I hear that 'Arsenic' has an interesting effect on enzymes and that protein-rich beings, like the Hand, have a severe weakness in this area. Why don't you slip some into its morning coffee?
- Laura