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Question from Tired Grendel  on 1/18/2007 | comment | 1 like

Dear Laura,
     I saw this female Grendel and haven't been able to eat or sleep since, I keep seeing that wonderful face. What do I do?
- Tired Grendel


Dear Tired Grendel,
     Stop looking in the mirror. Ancient Albian mythology tells the story of a graceful and pretty Norn named Echo who loved another Norn, Narcissus, in vain. Narcissus' beauty was so unmatched that he felt it was Shee-like in scope, comparable to the beauty of a newborn baby Norn, or a butterfly. As a result, Narcissus spurned Echo's affections until, despairing, she left Albia for good. To teach him a lesson, the Hand doomed Narcissus to fall in love with his own reflection in the Frog Norn pond. Entranced and smitten with his own image, Narcissus lay on the bank of the pond and starved to death, staring down into the water. So, my friend, the moral of this story is; it'll do you no good to be vain because you'll just waste away into nothingness, like Narcissus did. So eat something, get some sleep and get on with your life.
- Laura
 
Question from Hungry Aquanorn  on 1/18/2007 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Help us! For some reason we Aquanorns can't swim even though our Hand injected the 'Improved Swimming Agent'! We're forced to crawl at the bottom of the aquarium gazing longingly at the food swimming all around us until the Hand takes pity on us and drops cheese on our heads!
- Hungry Aquanorn


Dear Hungry Aquanorn,
     Maybe you would all benefit from a swimming instructor. Ask the Hand to hire one who's patient and can work with you on your confidence, as well as your stamina. Who knows? Soon you could be swimming ten lengths of the Aquatic Terrarium on your own; you just need the right teacher. :) But, until then, you'll just have to make do with standing on another Norn's shoulders in order to reach the food... I hope you're partial to soggy cheese.
- Laura
 
Question from Clipped Bondi  on 1/17/2007 | comment

Dear Laura,
     A crab pinched me! And it won't let go. It's currently dangling off my thumb, impeding my ability to eat Crobsters.
- Clipped Bondi


Dear Clipped Bondi,
     Crabs, although they have vicious pincers, do not usually actively seek conflict. You may have gotten too close for comfort, and so it reacted in the only way it knows. Perhaps you should fast, so that your thumb isn't quite so tasty. In the meantime, with your other paw, try tempting the crab with a piece of detrius. If it will not be tempted, wait a while. In a few days either the crab or your paw will drop off. And look on the plus side! Like Pinocchio has Jiminy Cricket, you have a crab. Why don't you give it a name? ;)
- Laura
 
Question from Glitchy Norn  on 1/17/2007 | comment

Dear Laura,
     My Hand has become very strange. One day I was walking on the ocean when the Hand yelled out "There's a horrible glitch!" All I had done that day was eat a few Doozers, levitate a few Norns, and teleport to my cheese. What is wrong with the Hand?
- Glitchy Norn


Dear Glitchy Norn,
     Ask your Hand to download a patch for you. You should soon be back to your old self; pestering the Doozers, eating your cheese and hopefully, only levitating Norns when you've been on the Hooch.
- Laura
 
Question from Norn Killer  on 1/17/2007 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Every time that I put my Norns underwater for 20 minutes, they... DIE! And every time that I inject them with 45 gallons of Histamine, they... DIE! And when I put them in the Jungle Terrarium with 20,000 Grendels, they... DIE! What am I doing wrong?!
- Norn Killer


Dear Norn Killer,
     Well, you're obviously experimenting with the wrong kinds of Norns here. Only amphibious Norns can survive for extended periods of time underwater. Only Toxic Norns can survive large amounts of Histamine. Only uber-violent Norns can survive three rounds with a pack of Grendels. Please take advantage of the myriad of genetic breeds available, you'll find that your game is much more enjoyable. Also, remember, these Norns depend on YOU to help them survive, so don't let them down. I'm sure you'll put up a great fight. ;)
- Laura
 
Question from K'aeloree  on 1/17/2007 | comment | 1 like

Dear Laura,
     Is it really you? O, praise the heavens above! I was getting worried there. After having not heard from you in months, I was beginning to fear for your life. It's times like these, in a Norn's life, when you're really forced to re-evaluate your situation, and really think about what is important to you. It's taken me... A lot of thinking. A whole lot. But- I've sent you a bunch of flowers, hope you like roses! Anyway. I've been thinking, I'd like to catch up sometime. But not in the Norn Terrarium, too many people there. Maybe in the Kitchen, in Albia? You know I make a mean cup of Albian Coffee. I've even made a new crema- heh, look, I'm babbling. Sorry about that. Anyway. Hope you can make it. Oh, I need a question... that's right. I guess I did ask one, but, what colour suits me best, do you think?
- K'aeloree


Dear K'aeloree,
     I'm terribly sorry K'ae, but as Trish once got an 'eloquent' invitation to join a 'fan' (read: STALKER) for a romantic evening by a cliff, I've always considered it prudent, and ethical, too, to avoid personal meetings through the column. And by the way, darling, green suits everyone. ;)
- Laura
 
Question from A Magma Norn  on 1/17/2007 | comment

Dear Laura,
     My Hand has locked me in Ostrova, with some fierce Banshee water predators, and has injected some Norn torture agents, all because I said "eat hand".
- A Magma Norn


Dear A Magma Norn,
     Psst... Just a little secret from one Norn to another... Our Hands tend to get touchy and mighty insecure (bless them) if you say anything about them other than "em love hand". Try saying the things it wants to hear, like, "no eat hand" and "eat food" and see if you're forgiven. If not, just face your fate like a hero, and think how fortunate you are that you won't have to be in your situation for much longer. Sheespeed!
- Laura
 
Question from Sticky Norn  on 1/16/2007 | comment

Dear Laura,
     It's currently very difficult to type, as my paws are stuck together. I have to type with ym noes. At the time, I was playing with the Hand's little funny tube that was laying around. It said 'Soopergloo' on it, or something. Now I can't seem to pull my paws apart! What do I do?! Is it amputation?! Will I ever use my paws again? Will I ever push the elevator buttons? What do I do!
- Sticky Norn


Dear Sticky Norn,
     You type extraordinarily well for a Norn who's struggling to type with her toes. ;) With a talent like that, who knows what creative and artistic skills you can devote yourself to! But for now, try using your toes to do something more constructive than typing; why not try prising your paws apart with a sharp object? If that doesn't work then it's time to seek out your Hand's help and confess your sins. Maybe you won't be so eager to mess about with its possessions next time.
- Laura
 
Question from Eem-Foo  on 1/16/2007 | comment | 1 like

Dear Laura,
     Why does everyone take pleasure in killing me? I haven't done anything wrong. I'm a pretty purple Norn. I'm too cute to die! Please tell the Handish to stop stuffing me in elevators and exploding things on me.
Sincerely Yours,
Eem... *explosion*
- Eem-Foo


Dear Eem-Foo,
     Oh, the daily grind of being the official mascot and beta tester of C12DS. Didn't they fully brief you about your duties before you took the job? If not, that's disgraceful! I suggest you write a strongly-worded statement of complaint and register it with C.A.N.A., because they've deceived you and taken advantage of your helpful (if somewhat naive...) nature. :( But for now, just invest in a flame retardant body suit and an iron lung, and hang in there soldier!
- Laura
 
Question from This Is Bull  on 1/15/2007 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Hello, I used to be a Norn. Ever since the Hand returned from being AWOL to another planet, he has been injecting us Norns with animal genes from that strange world. My buddy has scales, a long tongue, and can change colors! Girlfriend? Feathers, a beak, and talons! And me? Well, I have huge horns, hooves instead of feet, and have an urge to say "Moo" and bash stuff. How can I make the Hand change us back?
- This Is Bull


Dear This Is Bull,
     Now if I recall correctly, the magic spell animal genes should completely wear off by the final stroke of midnight. As a safety precaution, steal a backup copy of your DNA and confiscate your Hand's book of 'Fairy Tales', for he is certainly no Fairy Godmother.
- Laura
 

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