Question from Me on 6/13/2007 | comment
Dear Laura, Me is an Ettn. Me likes to hoard gadgets too much! Me wants to stop hoarding gadgets, but me cannot stop thinking about them: them beeps, them buzzes, them whirrs... Me needs help, Laura! - Me Dear Me, I know you do. Appeal to the Hand to start up a 'Gadgets Anonymous' group. It?s about time that Ettins, like yourself, received the help and support they need! - Laura |
Question from The Hand on 6/13/2007 | comment
Dear Laura, Help! My Norns are noweth believing that they be-est my yeomen or yeowomen in old scripts! Allst of my Treehugger Norn males have collected to a happy party of yeomen known as the Merry Men, led by my own Treehugger, Robin! Onest of my Bondi Norns has been mistaken for Sherlock Holmes! My Hardyeoman Norn is noweth reciting with great lust the spring of Hamlet's
poetry! Andeth talking of Hamlet, a young bonnie lass Civet Norn has run away as did Ophelia in Shakespeare's classic tale of Hamlet. I need thine help, Milady Laura! - The Hand Dear The Hand, You?ve been exporting them onto floppy disc and playing with them on the computers at the library again, haven?t you? It's irresponsible to unleash them in public places when they are so very easily influenced! Confiscate their books and Shakespearian plays and encourage around-the-clock wallbonking; it?s a sure fire method of making them lose all of their literary knowledge. - Laura |
Question from Bee Gees Hand on 6/13/2007 | comment
Dear Laura, Hello. I am a Hand who is a great fan of many 60s songs, but I have a problem. One of my Ettins has taken to playing all sorts of awful modern music, including *shudders* rap. He even tries to sing along, and his singing is quite terrible. I've tried to tell him to stop, or at least take his music somewhere where I can't hear, but he refuses! The other creatures are starting to complain, and I have the urge to take his boom box agent and throw it into space! (If he ever lets go of it). What should I do? - Bee Gees Hand Dear Bee Gees Hand, Hey, it?s a love match for the Not-So-Handy Hand?s Ettin Diva, Rama! Why don?t the both of you encourage them to join forces with their music? I believe that Rama?s in possession of a blueprint for her very own sound proof recording studio; they could both go off and sing duets together. Who knows, this could be the start of a wonderful partnership... and perhaps later on, a whole singing family! - Laura |
Question from Oh My! on 6/13/2007 | comment
Dear Laura, Laura! I don't know what to do! People are being way too polite when asking me about things! How can I convince them that I want to help and such politeness is not necessary!? - Oh My! Dear Oh My!, If others ask you for advice so often, then maybe you should open an Agony Uncle column! As a long-suffering Agony Aunt, I can tell you that the accolades and thanks wear off all too soon, so enjoy it while it lasts.  - Laura |
Question from Nrn Luvs Grndl on 6/12/2007 | comment
Dear Laura, My name is Penelope; I'm a female Astro Norn with a problem: I'm in love
with a Grendel named Trouffel! It started when I saw him in the Norn Meso. It was love at first sight! When I gave him chocolates and flowers, Trouffel started reciting romantic poetry to me! We love each other so much, and would like to have kids, but I know that Grendels and Norns can't breed! What should I do? - Nrn Luvs Grndl Dear Nrn Luvs Grndl, Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow things down a little bit! Kids are a biiig responsibility and you don?t sound ready to inseminate just yet. The more sensible thing to do would be to take things slow and steady and continue enjoying his company. I know it?s very easy to fall for someone who treats you so nicely and sweeps you off your feet with romantic poetry, (I mean, what female doesn?t love that?) but how do you know that you really want to spend the rest of your life with Trouffel? Just see how things go before you make any rash decisions for the future. You might realize later on that this is just puppy love and move on; love comes in all shapes and sizes.  - Laura |
Question from George on 6/11/2007 | comment
Dear Laura, George extremely sorry. George enclosed perfume which is clearly not poisonous. - George Dear George, An unsolicited, expensive gift for a female that is already spoken for is the height of rudeness, regardless of whether it's poisonous or not! I shall return your post forthwith, George, for you do not seem to understand the meaning of NO. - Laura |
Question from Troubled Hand on 6/11/2007 | comment
Dear Laura, One of my Norns, Cruella de Norn, is constantly talking about taking a bunch of different creatures' furs and combining them into a fabulous coat for herself. She even speaks of using Hand skin for boots! Currently I am hiding in an airlock with a bunch of creatures, and I am not sure what to do. Please tell me! The Grendel in here really smells, and the Ettin just stole my best watch! - Troubled Hand Dear Troubled Hand, If I remember how the story goes... After they learn of the kidnapping, the other Norns will all decide to join forces and a rescue mission will begin to free you from Cruella?s evil clutches. They will manage to break into the airlock and sneak you out, but expect to run into some trouble when Cruella, and her two lackey Grendels, Jasper and Horace, notice you?re missing and chase after you in their hover vehicles. However, with an extraordinary twist in the tale, BOTH the hover vehicles will collide with each other and break down, all because of an Ettin who had the good sense to meddle with the mechanics hours before, meaning that you?ll all reach the Norn Terrarium and safety. As for your stolen watch, why not offer to trade it back from the Ettin for a nice smell emitter? Maybe the Ettin can give it to the Grendel. - Laura |
Question from Norn Luv on 6/11/2007 | comment
Dear Laura, I don't know what happened Laura, but I do know one thing: I'm in love with my male Treehugger Norn, Sparrow! He's so handsome, but he's always hiding from me, the Hand, and all of my other female Norns who are chasing him! What should I do? - Norn Luv Dear Norn Luv, It?s very easy to get attached to anyone who?s been placed under your wing. You?ve spent a lot of time around Sparrow and you?ve been there to guide and nurture him while he?s been growing up, so you two go back a long way. Nevertheless, when Hand/Norn relations start to become something more than just loving care, it can be seen an unhealthy thing that shouldn?t be encouraged, especially as your life spans aren?t really compatible. Maybe it?s just motherly love that you feel? Inevitably, Sparrow will find a sweet Nornette that he really likes someday, and you're just going to have to do the right thing and step aside, and let him work out his own relationship with her. (Hint: For starters, don't throw her in the piranha pool!!!). - Laura |
Question from Not-so-handy Hand on 6/11/2007 | comment
Dear Laura, My Ettin, Rama, thinks she's a pop diva superstar! Every night I hear her sing loudly on songs that don't make any sense at the time! My Norns haven't been getting any sleep, and they're getting even grumpier as drowsy Grendels slap them to keep themselves awake! How can I stop this madness? - Not-so-handy Hand Dear Not-so-handy Hand, You could set up some convenient teleporters and instruct the Norns to send her off to a secluded part of the Ship whenever she starts to sing. Either that or be accommodating by giving her the blueprint for a sound proof recording studio. Whatever you decide to do, at least then she?ll be able to sing to her heart?s content without everybody making a mad rush for the aspirin. However, if it doesn?t work out for some reason and she still continues to keep your Norns awake with her constant renditions, maybe it's time to schedule a live tour... Off the Ship, of course. - Laura |
Question from Curious Onlooker on 6/11/2007 | comment
Dear Laura, If you could be any member of the Evil Council, past or present, who would it be and why? Also, what is the best way to get rid of the Psycho Grendels? - Curious Onlooker Dear Curious Onlooker, Even though I?ve heard nothing to suggest that it?s anything but a reputable institution, I wouldn?t want to be any member of the Evil Council if given the opportunity. I am too content here, on the good side of the divide. Get rid of the Psycho Grendels by confiscating their psychedelic Flower Power t-shirts and rose coloured glasses and send them home! I have good reason to believe that they?re in league with the infamous Green Hippie Norns! - Laura |
|