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Question from Curious Little One  on 11/27/2009 | comment

Dear Laura,
     My brother and I kept pushing the buttons of the dispenser, in the Meso, all day and the food wouldn't stop coming. My brother ate all the food, of course, but I'd like to know, where does the dispenser get the food? Surely there must be something refilling it occasionally. Or is it magic?
- Curious Little One


Dear Curious Little One,
     Your brother?s appetite sounds impressive! How does he have room for it all? Yours is a question I have often pondered myself when I?ve gone to the dispenser to stuff my face with Yarn Fruit. Some say that the Hand restocks it itself, cloaked and under cover of darkness, as this has never been witnessed. I?ve also heard rumours that the food is prepared and replenished by Micro Ettins, who slave away inside the dispenser, and this is why we never see them in the Meso... If you ask me I think it?s all nothing but gossip. I don?t think we?ll ever find out the real explanation, I don?t think we Norns are meant to know the truth behind these mysteries. Perhaps you?re onto something though! Maybe it is some kind of magic that our minds cannot possibly begin to make sense of. Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to play with the Commedia, it bounces.
- Laura
 
Question from Cookie Grendel  on 11/27/2009 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I am a very friendly Grendel, but those annoying Ettins are always stealing my Quirky Cookie machines! I don't want to kill them, but they are very annoying, and I don't know the road to the Desert Terrarium, please help me!
- Cookie Grendel


Dear Cookie Grendel,
     It's in the Ettins' blood to hoard machinery. As servants of the Shee that is their role, and they don't seem to have realised that their masters have left, or maybe they just can't override their instincts, poor fellas. :( I think a good old fashioned tea party might be in order to restore good Ettin-Grendel relations, and cheer everybody up, for I firmly stick by the opinion that a cup of tea solves everything. ;) However, for it to be a successful social function, you?ll need to send out invitations first. Grab one of the Perpetual Teacups, and then proceed to treat it like a second shadow; eat with it, bathe with it, sleep with it. Sooner or later you will wake to find a little white paw, belonging to one of your guests, scrabbling at your arms. Follow the Ettin back to the Desert Terrarium, and let the supping of tea and noshing of cookies commence!
- Laura
 
Question from Gaia Looking For a Man  on 11/26/2009 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Help! I am the only Gaia in my Hand's game and I am rather... friendly. Where can the Hand get a male Gaia, or how I can convince it to help?
- Gaia Looking For a Man


Dear Gaia Looking For a Man,
     Most Gaias that I've heard of are 'married to the Ark' and do not wish to kisspop, so you're an unusual case. I do understand that these friendly feelings of yours are a natural part of adulthood, but you might have to prepare yourself for a range of reactions from your Hand. If your Hand is more conservative, it may be concerned that you might neglect your Ark regulation duties if you were to form an attachment. If your Hand is more experimental, it may jump at the opportunity to play matchmaker and introduce you to a line of eligible suitors from other species, like the Norns, Grendels, Ettins, or even Muco. All Gaias have always been female and so you will probably never find a Gaius of your own. :(
- Laura
 
Question from A Norn  on 11/25/2009 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Christmas is coming and I haven't got anything for my wife. She'll be terribly upset if I don't get her anything. Do you have any ideas what to get her? Thank you, Laura!
- A Norn


Dear A Norn,
     ♪ On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a carrot in a Justanut tree. One the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two Ettins snuggling and a carrot in a Justanut tree... ♪ You get the idea. I must say, you are one much organised Norn starting your Christmas shopping this early, been nagging you has she? ;) To really get into the spirit, you should surprise your wife with an assortment of little gifts for each of the twelve days leading up to Christmas; I promise you, she'll love this heartfelt gesture! And remember - "the best way to a Norn's heart is through her stomach". It's true, the genome files say so. I always appreciate a nice piece of cheese at Christmas, decorated with a festive red bow.
- Laura
 
Question from Gaia  on 11/25/2009 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Recently the Hand has been trying to splice me. I find that very rude as it knows the dangers of such horseplay. It will destroy the world we live in, and worst of all, she's trying to set me up with a rather rude Grendel who doesn't seem to understand the word NO. Ever since I was installed he keeps flirting with me. Laura, please help me find a way to fend off my admirer and keep from being spliced.
- Gaia


Dear Gaia,
     Yes I?d beware the Hand if I were you. By splicing you with another creature, she can then breed you with your Grendel admirer, and of course, if you two successfully mate, you will produce some offspring with superior intelligence. I strongly suspect that this is her real motive - to breed a super-race of Grendels! You should act up on your troublesome nature to get you out of this fix. You often like to eat unwanted gadgets, correct? Being that you?re in such close proximity to the Splicer, I suggest that you indulge in a little snack... of the wires and fuses that make up the components of the Splicer?s innards, rendering it... broken. Oh, shame! :P (You can always blame it on an Ettin, they?re well known for fiddling with machinery). As for this pesky Grendel, a great way of ditching him would be via a convenient distraction. With your powers of telekinesis, waggle a Norndoll under its nose and lure it back into the Jungle Terrarium. Repeat this process whenever it?s necessary. See, you can use your abilities to your advantage!
- Laura
 
Question from Lorre Prady  on 11/25/2009 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Laura, help! I have four male Norns, all of them rather kicked around by the rest of my Norn society, in DS Terra Nornia. They enjoy collecting various toys, building their own robots, and reading Comic Book Agents. Well, just the other day, one of my female Norns decided to set up her spot in a Burrow, just across the way from their Burrow. Three of them are desperately following her around, whereas the other one just occasionally comes over to insult her slovenliness, lesser intelligence, or lack of the Adhesive Duck Agent. It's extremely lulzy. One Norn can't even talk to females, the other has a disproportionate view of himself as a Casanova, and the third can't digest cheese, that staple of the Norn diet, properly. My problem is that the female Norn is slowly being converted to their way of life! What am I to do? I need to breed her with normal Norns in order to keep my population strong, but she keeps insisting on "push Age of Conan" and enjoys blowing off the head of the male Norn who keeps insulting her... in Norn Halo that is. What am I to do?
- Lorre Prady


Dear Lorre Prady,
     Encouraging Norns to mingle outside their usual social circles can often result in a much richer society. However, I feel that your problem was introducing one female to several males, rather than the reverse. I think that confiscating their computer and video games would be a good start, whilst importing more females into your world should help to balance out the ratio. Your Norns need to interact with other Norns and with the real world outside 'Norn Halo', a lot more, in order to develop better social skills, and to learn how to deal with the different situations that life throws at them. When they realise that video games are a 'sometimes toy', then you can give them back, but first they ought to experience what it feels like to breakdown in an elevator, what it's like to have to scavage for food, and that breathtaking moment when they have their first kisspop. After all, we're only young for a matter of minutes!
- Laura
 
Question from Turbulent Treehugger  on 11/25/2009 | comment

Dear Laura,
     A Hunter Norn in my world stole my Quirky Cookie recipe and ingredients and made hundreds of Quirky Cookies, but my friends and I feel that he hasn't been sharing them around enough. In fact, he's been hanging out in the Grendel Jungle and only giving them to his friends which we think spoils the spirit of sharing, something he faithfully promised to do. You might think me stupid for trusting a Hunter Norn, but he promised so very sweetly. He and his friends are scoffing all the cookies and chewing so loudly I can hear them all the way across the Ark. I just know they're spraying crumbs all down their fur... or scales... it's disgusting!!! He taunts me by saying that if I dare, I should come and get some. Quite frankly, Miss Laura, I don't dare. I know that eventually more ingredients will grow, but I have a craving for cookies now! I'm going green with jealousy and I can't eat anything else or sleep. Please help us Miss Laura, it's making us feel intensely sad and nauseated. How can I stop caring about what this horrible Hunter Norn does, and take our just revenge?
- Turbulent Treehugger


Dear Turbulent Treehugger,
     There?s no need to stoop down to this Hunter Norn?s level, you can be the nicer Norn in this scenario. I find that the view from the moral high ground can be a lot more satisfying than any act of revenge! Being a Treehugger Norn like your good self, I am a big advocate of the delicious crunchy crumbliness of those Quirky Cookies, but during my travels around the Ark I?ve discovered that pancakes are very mouth-watering too. So, why don?t you leave the Hunter Norn and his friends to gobble their cookies, find a nice pancake recipe and rustle up a batch of those instead? Then, you can purposely make a point of sharing them with everyone (even with the Hunter Norn and Co.) and don?t forget the lashings of maple syrup! Hopefully your act of kindness will prompt him to seriously think on his selfish behaviour and turn over a new leaf, and you?ll look much better in comparison. Bon app?tit!
- Laura
 
Question from Eliza  on 11/25/2009 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I am a young Grendel who has lived my whole life in the jungle. When I was abroad selling fungi, two older Norns saw me there and one was quite rude to me, saying I was a poor imitation of a Norn. They've made a bet that he can't turn me into a proper Belle of Nornish society, and I'm not sure how to feel. On the one hand, it will increase my chances of selling fungi and the Norns promised me many pieces of cheese, but on the other hand, to be ordered about like a Hand by these dirty old Norns... It's quite insufferable! Do you have any advice on how I can keep my temper while I'm learning my new Nornish ways?
- Eliza


Dear Eliza,
     You?re either stuck between a rock and a hard place, or you're not being grateful for a wonderful opportunity, it's hard to know which. Since Norns are the favoured creatures of the Hand, some of us can occasionally get a bit snooty, despite the fact that all of us hatch from eggs just the same. Some tend to forget that "to err is to be A-Life". I'm a bit concerned that you refer to them as being "dirty old Norns"; are they being inappropriately friendly towards you? Do they treat you as a fellow life form, or as a toy? You don?t sound like you?re happy either way. Ultimately, you should weigh up the pros and cons of your new venture and consider the long term, and I?m even talking in terms of hours! Is learning Nornish ways something you really want to undertake, or would you much rather be true to yourself and remain being comfortable in your scales? Be honest with yourself Eliza, is the cheese worth it? I think you should stick with what makes you the happiest. Take your fungi to where others will appreciate your wares, (the Ettin Terrarium perhaps? They don?t have any fruit there) and believe in the sales skills and the charm you possess already!
- Laura
 
Question from Sad Grendel  on 11/22/2009 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I have a problem. I don't like the idea of hitting Norns. I would much pefer to play with a nice toy. However when I try to get one the Hand comes and hits me. What should I do?
- Sad Grendel


Dear Sad Grendel,
     You are a one-of-a-kind Grendel. The Hand, I am sad to say, is merely being protective of its beloved Norns and does not yet see your potential. Despite the general scarcity of native toys in the world, the Hand will persist in unfairly seeing you as 'stealing' the toys rather than simply borrowing them. Another form of play would be the traditional Grendelish pursuit of stealing Norn eggs, but seeing as you're making such great strides in Grendel-Norn relations by not hitting them, this would probably be a step backwards. Instead, I would suggest that you build your relationship with the Norns and form a committee; 'The Grendel and Norn Toy Wanters A Lotters' perhaps? Make some signs saying things like "More Toyz Plz!", "Toyz 4 All!" and hold a rally to get the Hand to see sense and import more toy agents into the world. Good luck!
- Laura
 
Question from Antisocial Arnie  on 11/22/2009 | comment

Dear Laura,
     No matter how hard I try, I can't stop swearing! My Hand thinks it's absolutely disgusting, and says she'll abandon me in the Warp if I don't. I have a feeling it's because she left the computer running and her brother taught me a load of naughty words!
- Antisocial Arnie


Dear Antisocial Arnie,
     You?re in a bit of sticky situation here. None of this is your fault, but we need to get you speaking civilly again, for we certainly don?t want your Hand to abandon you in the Warp, do we? With this end in mind, perhaps try to surround yourself with right-speaking Norns, without speaking at first. Perhaps you could learn pretend oaths, like "Flib it" for other four-letter words as an inbetween measure. Eventually their polite ways will jog your memory and you'll be speaking proper again, just like what I do.
- Laura
 

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