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| Question from Hand Killer on 7/6/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Hand Killer, It's good that you are getting the opportunity to realise how much you need the care and guidance of the Hand, but don't forget the Grendel may need a little care too. I'm sure your honey pot will be returned soon, but in the meantime, why not try a healthy, crunchy carrot from the garden, or a zesty lemon to tickle your tastebuds? Don't worry, you cannot hurt the Hand, it is probably giving you a little space to cool off, and has left you with a squeaky Hand toy for company, so you don't get lonely. - Laura |
| Question from Confused Hardman Norn on 7/4/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Confused Hardman Norn, The Hand is actually dealing with it right now, by simply offering you a little time out so you can think about your actions. Be thankful it's giving you an opportunity to learn before resorting to a swift smack.  You should also take just a little Calm Balm to help you develop your communication skills, because they probably could do with some more work. In the meantime, just ride it out in the cage. Relax and try sipping on carrot juice if the Hand will bring you some. I find it's very soothing.- Laura |
| Question from Bob the Unhappy Norn on 7/3/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Bob the Unhappy Norn, The Shee are our creators. The legends of old say that we are shaped as we are to better serve them tea and sweet biscuits, but that we found other ways to amuse ourselves. Although the Shee were kind, if absentminded, their insatiable tinkering instincts lead to the destruction of Albia, our ancestral home, and they fled on the Ark, which they have now abandoned in favour of other climes. I prefer to believe that they have simply popped out for supplies of Shee Tea and haven't quite made their way back yet. - Laura |
| Question from Overly Curious Norn on 7/2/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Overly Curious Norn, Don?t worry, this isn?t the harsh chimes of Fimbulwinter, as documented by Handish Mythology, nor has Ragnarok come a-calling. You have uncovered a secret piece of Shee technology, following in the footsteps of Chris the Hand Norn in written legend. To be more precise, all you?ve done is stumble across the climate controls for the Norn Terrarium. Examine the following diagram carefully and nudge the controls up away from blue and towards red and yellow. This should melt the icicles off your paws and return the warmth and life to the Norn Home. However, try not to shiver too much when adjusting the controls, for you might accidentally set the temperature a bit too high, and then you?ll be facing the other extreme of a drought and sunburn! I also suggest leaving the responsibility of managing the weather to the Hand, next time you're feeling bored and fancy a tan. - Laura |
| Question from Annoyed Norn on 7/2/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Annoyed Norn, Well, you make more of course! Hootch is an alcoholic beverage made from mashed and fermented Tantris berries, which grow in abundance deep in the wilderness' of Albia. To many creatures' surprise, the berries themselves are actually purple; their juices only turn green when distilled. Before the eruption, Tantris berries could be found deep in the perilous jungle. Post-eruption however, a Tantris tree grows in a cave near the waterfall. It takes roughly six months of fermentation, and an hour of distillation to produce Hootch. However, Tantris berries are naturally alcoholic; the fermentation and distillation is merely to enhance their potency, so if you're pressed for time, just serve raw Tantris berries and you'll be well on your way to being totally wallbonked. - Laura |
| Question from Confused Hardman Norn on 7/2/2010 | comment | 1 like Dear Laura, Dear Confused Hardman Norn, Being completely honest and upfront is one constructive way to deal with your inbred anger issues. Sit down with the Hand and just calmly explain that you?re struggling to handle your anger effectively, and that playing a violent game, like ?Super Wrestling 2000: Whiplash?, is an outlet that you?ve found to be helpful in controlling your emotions. I?m sure once the Hand?s aware of this, it?ll allow you to play those games freely. I think you just need to prove that you won?t beat up your fellow Norns for it to trust you. For example, dancing the Choo Choo dance, whilst expressing your anger, would be a good way to show your sincerity. You shouldn?t have to drown your sorrows in Calm Balm potions, and hey, anything else is better than using another Norn as a personal Punching Bag agent, right?  - Laura |
| Question from Confused Creature on 6/22/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Confused Creature, Were you often told by your mother to stay out of the sun and avoid late-night snacks too? I believe you may be a Gremlin Norn, who is cursed. There's no easy way to say this, but you may die if you?re exposed to bright light. If you get wet, you will spawn children without the loving kisspop of a mate, and if you or your children eat after midnight... well I think you know what happens. There does not seem to be a way to turn your child, (for that is what this Grendel is) back into a Norn. It will terrorise the Ark unless it is stopped, and its anarchic behaviour means it simply cannot be adopted by a good Grendel family. Some old research suggests that the bright light of the Desert Terrarium in midsummer may be sufficient to euthanise the Grendel and return it to its former peace. However, I recommend you slip on a shirt, slop on some sunscreen (SPF 15000+), slap on a hat, seek shade for yourself, and slide on a pair of sunglasses, as you are also at risk from the desert sun. - Laura |
| Question from Fearful Norn on 6/19/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Fearful Norn, You've obviously been imported into a Tamagotchi game by accident! Hang in there until the Hand recognises its mistake and exports you back to the Ark. Just steer clear from the food in the meantime, as it might reduce your superior brain power. - Laura |
| Question from Roaming Ron on 6/17/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Roaming Ron, Those strange buildings you see are the temples of the Purple Mountains. Long ago and far away, they were built by the primitive Purple Mountain Ettins to honour their masters, the Shee. No Norn of the garden has ever climbed the frosty purple peaks to investigate this corporeal shrine, instead preferring the well-worn Journey circumnavigating the known paths of Albia. Maybe it?s high time the Lift of Legend was found and repaired, so that one may climb to the summit, stand high above the clouds and feel the cold, crisp air flapping through their ears. Perhaps these mysterious Ettins are on tenterhooks, just longing to be discovered by a Norn bold enough to roam that far. The towering spires of the temples can barely be seen from the garden, and being so detached from their neighbours, an Ettin will never have known the comforting lure of the kitchen, or of a nice warming cup of coffee. I think you know what you must do, dear Ron. Go Left! - Laura |
| Question from Purple Norn on 6/15/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Purple Norn, Since I am certain that only the Hand has the expertise needed to operate the Inseminator correctly, I think it?s extremely unlikely that you?re to blame for this incident, Purple Norn. Instead, I?d wager that Gaia manipulated your inquisitive nature. Using her powers of telekinesis, she instructed you on how to bring the Inseminator, containing your genes, to her. She had probably been plotting this ruse for quite some time. Being forever bound to machinery must be a lonely existence, and being a mother to all manners of life on the Ark must have made her yearn for an offspring of her own. I'm afraid what's done is done, and soon Gaia will lay an egg, much to her delight. Let?s hope that the child survives, as Gaia's unique physiology makes this kind of pregnancy very risky. Let the Hand know what?s happened too, and tell it Aunt Laura says to keep a closer eye on dangerous gadgets! - Laura |
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