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| Question from Caretaker Hand on 1/19/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Caretaker Hand, In a case like this, traditional Norn-rearing may not be an option. However, if you?re strong and willing enough to let go of your beloved Hatchling, then a new, feral existence in the swamp may be his one chance to live happily with other creatures. The poor Ettin who dwells there is always sniffling, so they can sneeze together, in harmony! You needn?t worry either, as he?ll have everything he needs; the earth is rich and fertile, so nutritious carrots and potatoes are plentiful, while the volcano smoulders nearby to keep out the cold on those bitter winter nights. The use of the elevators is also essential in the neighbourhood, in order to pick and sample the succulent fruit that?s heavily laden on each branch. Hopefully the Ettin can teach your Norn to embrace them, by pushing one button at a time. After all, I bet he?d prefer to sleep in a comfortable treehouse, rather than share the cramped doghouse with Pitz! - Laura |
| Question from Grandpa Norn on 1/19/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Grandpa Norn, When I was a young Nornling, with fond memories of the incubator, one cherished fairytale was Snow Norn and the Seven Doozers. It tells the story of Snow Norn; "the fairest on the Ark", with fur as white as snow. Jealous of such beauty, her vain and evil stepmother, the Wicked Hand, ordered a Grendel to take Snow Norn into the Jungle Terrarium and push her into the piranha pool. However, the Grendel couldn't commit the horrible deed, so Snow Norn fled the jungle, and found refuge in the home of seven Doozers. Once the Wicked Hand had discovered that Snow Norn was still alive, she transformed herself into an old peddler Ettin, and tricked her into eating a piece of poisoned cheese. Poor Snow Norn fell into a deep sleep, a curse which could only be broken by true love?s first kisspop. Arriving home to find Snow Norn seemingly dead, the Doozers chased the Wicked Hand into the airlock and, vengeful and heartbroken, blasted her out into space. Luckily for Snow Norn, a dashing young male, who had adored her from afar, awoke her from her slumber and off they bibbled, happily ever after.  I hope this tale inspires your grandchildren; perhaps one day they'll be writing their own stories to rival even the great William Sheespeare!- Laura |
| Question from Obsessed Norn on 1/17/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Obsessed Norn, Our Hands don't really respond well to being bitten, as I'm sure you now know! If you?re so fluent in the Handish language, perhaps you should consider using your words, instead of your teeth, next time.  As for slapping you, the Hand was probably trying to teach you how to share. Maybe it?s worried about your obsession spiralling out of control, and wants the other Norns to have a turn with the Learning Machine. Whatever the reason, it has your best interests at heart and will let you out as soon as it thinks you've calmed down... and has nursed its bite marks. Be careful though, this is NOT the time to learn by experimenting, no matter how smart you want to be. Especially if it involves big, flashing red buttons!- Laura |
| Question from Marionette on 1/16/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Marionette, Try switching to coffee instead; the Hand seems to enjoy a cup. I mean, have you ever seen it sleeping? Come to think of it, I've never seen it dance either. - Laura |
| Question from Josh the Penguin on 1/15/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Josh the Penguin, Well, I hope you have an appetite for cheese! You could probably get away with gobbling a Stickletrout when no one's looking, but if you really want to blend in, you'll need to act and think like a bona fide Norn. Picking up 'Handish' from your fellow Norns, repeating the same words they speak (however, I'd avoid saying "push norn", talk about awkward...) and pretending to be fixated with the lift buttons, by pressing them again and again, would be a good start. I also recommend a visit to the Aquatic Terrarium during your stay; it's an ideal place to go fishing, or swim, should you want to feel more at home. Overall I think you'll be safe, as I am yet to meet a Norn with a taste for 'Breaded Hatchling Penguin'. It?s the Grendels you ought to be wary of, although I?m sure they can be won over with some tap dancing lessons. - Laura |
| Question from Upset Gargoyle Norn on 1/13/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Upset Gargoyle Norn, Rather than letting all that food go to waste, why not make good use of the potatoes they throw at you? Stick a potato on each fang to show the other Norns that you don?t bite (you?ll also have a handy snack for when you get peckish!) and approach them with a gift. An offering of berries should prove to them how friendly you are. Before long everyone will have stopped being scared, and you?ll be entertaining them all with your new party trick. Why don?t you try it with apples? - Laura |
| Question from Stuck Norn on 1/10/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Stuck Norn, I'm not supposed to help Norns in Wolfling Runs, but your spot of bother made me feel sorry for you... after I'd finished guffawing.  Now, you'll need some assistance breaking out of that shell! Perhaps the otherwise aggressive and dangerous Gosh-hawk may actually prove itself to be useful for once. As it swoops down to snare a Grazer, jump right in front of it, bend over and waggle your rear in its face; it should be sufficiently startled and peck! Once the shell is broken, it'll notice that you're not really a strange-looking turtle and leave you alone. Gosh-hawks aren't usually interested in Norns.- Laura |
| Question from Aunt Antagonist on 1/10/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Aunt Antagonist, Aha! Don't think I can't see through your fiendish schemes, Aunt Antagonist! You know full well that I'd never publish antagonizing questions to my column, so none of my dear readers will even know of our constant struggle. Imaginative and amusing questions will always triumph over your feeble attempts at trickery! Now, where's that 'Delete' button... *Click* ... I accidentally hit 'Post', didn't I? - Laura |
| Question from Ettina on 1/10/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Ettina, Every creature deserves to have a little companionship, in our otherwise lonely existence orbiting Sphericus. New friends can come in all shapes and sizes, so why not ask the Hand to help you fill out a personal profile and explore the services that the Warp has to offer? I?m sure you?ll be able to seek out and import an Ettin who?ll be ideal for sharing the desert with and a perfect match for your interests. Imagine having someone there to collect gadgets with, take sandy walks with, disassemble machinery with or bother Grendels with, by sneaking around the maintenance doors. And who knows what other feelings may emerge, like the shy Cacbana cactus flower, as time goes on... You may find the place suddenly becoming a lot more crowded! - Laura |
| Question from Sad Grendel on 1/7/2011 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Sad Grendel, I?m sure the Ettins often feel like outcasts too, being that they have a compulsion for disconnecting vital machinery on a daily basis, so they'll probably empathise with your plight. I think this makes them ideal mediators. However, it wouldn?t be wise to show up unannounced, so send an Ettin ahead to the Norn Home first. It should bear a peace offering, a thoughtful gesture, like a Creature Detector and some cheese for the Norns. Once the Hand agrees to a meeting, explain that you're unlike your scaly peers and would rather help a Norn, as opposed to harming it. I have a feeling that the Hand will pack the other Grendels off on a permanent 'vacation' through the Warp, once it understands. By the way, please don't send me anymore letters on dried piranha skin... it stinks.  - Laura |
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