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Question from Not Homer  on 9/11/2005 | comment | 1 like

Dear Laura,
     What do female Norns find attractive in a male? I'm asking on the behalf of a friend of a friend of a friend.
- Not Homer


Dear Not Homer,
     Well, as you're asking on the behalf of a friend of a friend of a friend, Not Homer, I shall, once only, reveal what all female Norns want in a male Norn. Naturally, his eyes must shine, as though the stars themselves have alighted within, and they must glow with love and understanding during those long, lovely calf-eyed stares that are frequently exchanged. But a hint of mischief hidden within is needed, for who would want to live a life of boredom? His fur must be well-groomed, to add to his devilish handsomeness. It must also gleam with vibrant health like a stallion's, not too long and not too short. If it's too long, he will be fighting you for the mirror every morning and that is not the behaviour expected of a perfect suitor. He should know when to be chivalrous, and protect his mate and children with his life when necessary. He must also know where his responsibilities lie, and express his eternal love to you in a thousand ways each day, without fail. So, go forth and find the Norn of your dreams, then invite me to the wedding. ;)
- Laura
 
Question from Alicia  on 9/7/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I'm a Norn and I was tortured to near-death; my previous Hand put weird toxins in me, at the Medical Bay, and then put me up for adoption. Another Hand, named kelseykatking, adopted me and I don't know if I can trust her. Should I trust her or not?
- Alicia


Dear Alicia,
     Definately not. Her name doesn't have capitals, which you should know by now is absolute taboo in Norn adoption. Try feeding her frozen worm meal and she may come around and add capitals to her name, but if she doesn't... I'd suggest staying out of sight, slowly destroying the computer from the inside.
- Laura
 
Question from Sarah  on 9/2/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Now that I'm immortal, what should I do? I won't die, except for toxins or diseases, and every half hour I get a check up so that won't happen. What should I do?
- Sarah


Dear Sarah,
     Seize the day and live life to the full! Indulge yourself in something that every Norn secretly dreams of doing; go swimming in the piranha pool, play in the airlock, or do a spot of Grendel baiting. ;)
- Laura
 
Question from Kelly Frustrated In Love  on 8/30/2005 | comment | 1 like

Dear Laura,
     Today in the Norn Meso, I was like, y'know, hanging out with all my friends and we were eating like carrots, or whatever, and this dishy male Norn said, like, "Eem like Kelly", and I so didn't know what to say! Like, I do like him, but I wasn't really sure if I like like him, like in a friendly way, if you know what I'm saying? So anyways, I said "Kelly like Eem", and he giggled, and ran away. But now I'm thinking that I do like like him, and I haven't seen him in positively minutes, and I don't know what he's thinking! I'm worried that I've made an idiot of myself again. :( Please help me!
- Kelly Frustrated In Love


Dear Kelly Frustrated In Love,
     Well you need to go and, like, tell him you like him. And then, like, kisspop his brains out. Then like, have oodles of little Norns and Nornettes. They're, like, so adorable!
- Laura
 
Question from Shadow Ralts  on 8/28/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I am a foot who wants to write with your pen, but I have no toes! I feel so useless gettin the Hand to write this letter for me. How can I grow my toes back?
- Shadow Ralts


Dear Shadow Ralts,
     How did you get the Hand to write it for you? You are merely a simple toeless foot, not a mouth. Regretfully, the 'Ask Laura' range does not cater for your needs at present. However, we currently have a version of the pen in development that acts through mind control, though unfortunately testing has not gone too well. Several of our Treehuggers have ended up in hospital suffering from third-degree jabs, it's a very serious business. Coming soon to a screen near you! Perhaps. :\ By the way, I wouldn't suggest sitting in a vat of 'Insta-Grow', you may turn a putrid shade of green.
- Laura
 
Question from Nya  on 8/27/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Nya extwemly fwendly. Nya find Grendel attractive. Nya push Grendel. Grendel hit Nya. Nya feel pain. Nya still fwendly. Nya push Ettin. Ettin hit Nya. Nya sad. Nya wite extwemly lung ledder.
- Nya


Dear Nya,
     Stop it with your unwanted advances and they should stop hitting you. An inter-species romance is a fine thing, but sometimes dating within your own species can solve many problems, like the Grendel's pesky instinct to "hit norn" or the Ettin's instinct to make off with your finest jewellery.
- Laura
 
Question from Syrra  on 8/27/2005 | comment | 1 like

Dear Laura,
     If a tree falls in the forest and there are no Norns around to hear it, do the Treehuggers still know?
- Syrra


Dear Syrra,
     Oh yes, definitely, simply because we're Treehuggers. Together we are truly one with the trees. We can feel tree sap running like blood through our veins, chlorophyll is implanted in our skin and wood shavings are scattered in amongst our fur. It is also little-known knowledge that a Treehugger can often be found in the dark tranquil of night, nurturing a lone sapling whilst listening to its innermost secrets and tales of woe. This grants clarity and an unspoken understanding with all trees. Yes, the wonders of nature certainly lie deep within our hearts and in our souls.
- Laura
 
Question from Ching-Pah  on 8/25/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I have a friend who is ill, and I want to do something to help her feel better. All the other Norns say I'm crazy for wanting to look out for her until she feels better and happy again. Is there anything I can do to help my friend?
- Ching-Pah


Dear Ching-Pah,
     You seem to be unique amongst your fellows, Ching-Pah, with a kind and compassionate heart to boot. That's a good quality which can rarely be found amongst Norn society today; nowadays it's more individualistic. So just disregard what the others say and play at being Chris the Hand Norn for a while. I'm sure your friend would appreciate some good company to lift her spirits whilst she's recovering, and some Chicken Soup to help her get her strength back. She'll feel better in no time, and have you to thank for it. :) Funnily enough, I am currently sick with much the same affliction and will have to go on sick leave. Please don't suffer from any crises while I'm gone!
- Laura
 
Question from Kelseykatking  on 8/22/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     My Norns, Gurgi, Peter and Georgie, have been making small 'territories'. When a female enters, they'll kiss her until she's pregnant, and if a male comes in, they'll smack him until it leaves! They've already killed one Norn, and I have three Norns on the Island just to keep them safe, until their life forces are higher, all because of them! What can I do?
- Kelseykatking


Dear Kelseykatking,
     This display of male orientated behaviour is the norm during the mating season. There's nothing you can do about it either, except oversee the situation with a cattle prod... And anyway, what's wrong with letting the other Norns inhabit the island for a little while? I'm sure they'd appreciate a holiday in the sun, don't be selfish. ;)
- Laura
 
Question from Kelseykatking  on 8/22/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     My favorite Norn, Sakuria, has been hogging all the food and the other Norns are always hungry! What can I do so that the other Norns have food, besides exporting her?
- Kelseykatking


Dear Kelseykatking,
     Teach her a lesson in sharing by suspending her in the cage at meal times whilst the other Norns eat their food. Then, once they've had their share, set her free so she can eat hers. Repeat the process until the lesson is learnt. :P
- Laura
 

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