Dear Laura,
     My Crypt control buttons have disappeared, how do I get them back?
- I Hope Julia Isn't Asking

Dear Laura,
     My Norn thinks he?s a mime. I am becoming a bit concerned because he was pretending to be the Shee statue. He was very convincing actually, maybe a bit too convincing as he hasn?t moved an inch for two weeks! However, he is starting to smell? well, funny. How can I make him move again so he can take a shower?
- Concerned Owner

Dear Laura,
     I'm feeling very put upon, as our Ark is a complete mess, and my grandparents are coming to visit over the Warp. My parents have me cleaning and cleaning and cleaning the main areas, but my room is still strewn with toys and boxes to put those toys in. When my grandparents get here, they'll be extremely angry about my room, but I was busy cleaning the rest of the Ark!
- Slave

Dear Laura,
     My Norns think I'm evil. I mean, just because I wear a shirt that says "I'm Evil", chase critters with pitch forks and howl crazily at the moon, it doesn't mean I'm evil.
- The Demon Wolfie

Dear Laura,
     How did you get so wise? Is there some kind of wisdom pill you might have possibly taken? It's simply astounding how knowledgeable you are about everything!
- Your Greatest Admirer

Dear Laura,
     My husband has been spending a lot of time on this site, reading your column, and hasn't been paying me as much attention as he used to do. He hasn't been picking me carrots, or taking me for long strolls along the Ettin Beach, and, dare I say it? The fire and passion has gone from our kisspops! He has even written in, declaring his undying love for you, when he has me at home. Juliet extremely sad. How can I win him back from your siren call?
- A Jilted Juliet

Dear Laura,
     I have become interested in this "Ask Laura? Atomiser Cannon", and I was wondering would it rip up some wild waves if shot at the water? And could you decrease the price, just a little? I wanna surf and find Cheese Banks to threaten, see?
- Jac... Erm... Random Norn

Dear Laura,
     My love, our epic saga seems to go on into an eternity, for I was not in my right mind when I abandoned you at the altar, for the foul temptress, 'Kitten', had enflamed my passions with accursed potions which spoke of lust and betrayal! Do not judge me, I beg of you, but find it in your heart to let me at least stay by your side as honoured guardian and protector! Laura, it would fill the rest of my days to be by your side helping you in your epic endeavors. But, companion or not, go forth with the knowledge buried deep that I love you still, though the Veils of Treachery do keep us apart!
- Liam

Dear Laura,
     Is it but a residue that remains, dried and cracked from the harsh unforgiving stare of the sun? Or can our love be rekindled by the stars, swirling 'round the heavens in their glorious glory? Can our cup be refilled with effervescent love once again? For my heart aches in your absence, and every moment without you is like a dagger in the heart. Without your love I am wilting like a lily in the sun, and only the cool, refreshing might of your love can save me! Please, oh my Laura, come back to me and dwell in the warm climes of Elysia with me!
- Liam

Dear Laura,
     My Norns have yet to take over the entire Shee Ark, and the Grendels are constantly fighting them off back to the egg layer! And, to make matters worse, the Ettins are taking what few weapons my Norns have against these vicious Grendels! How can I boost my Norns morale and convince them to fight off those dirty Grendels?
- Nornius Caesar