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Question from Confuzzled Hand  on 3/21/2006 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I think my Norns have gone loony! They think everyone, including them, are called Ron, and they all have their own imaginary tomato. One of my Norns named their tomato 'Toto'! What do I do?
- Confuzzled Hand


Dear Confuzzled Hand,
     I would suggest you tell them all to click their heels three times and say, "There's no place like home!" each time. You must help them indulge their fantasies! ... or just stop drinking the hooch, that would help too.
- Laura
 
Question from Arei  on 3/21/2006 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Hi! I'm a coloured Magma Norn and I live in the Norn Meso with my friend Arnold. Recently, the Hand started saying "push norn" to us. It's embarrassing. What should I do?
- Arei


Dear Arei,
     I think I have a very good idea about the Hand's motives here. Ahem. It's time that you got to know Arnold better, Arei. Why not try to spend some quality time with him? Taking a walk in the bramboo would be a fine idea, as it'll allow you both to sort out your feelings, and should you discover that you do indeed have feelings for each other... Well, the bramboo does grow thickly which is very convenient isn't it? ;) I hope you two do manage to get it together. Your parents will be thrilled, with you being betrothed and everything. It may seem very weird now, but trust me, it'll make perfect sense later on.
- Laura
 
Question from Quack  on 3/19/2006 | comment

Dear Laura,
     WHY DONT YOU EVER ANSWERE ME?!? MY QUESTIONS ARE COOL, ONLIKE YOU DOODO HEAD, I WANT MY QUESTIONS ANSWERED RIGHT NOW!! IF NOT ILL TAKE AN ATOMIC BALONEY AND USE IT TO DESTROY ALL NORNS GRENDALS ETTINS AND CHEESEBURGERS! YOUVE BEEN WARNED!
- Quack


Dear Quack,
     Self-explanatory, my dear Quack. I heed your warning and look forward to your 'ATOMIC BALONEY' with great anticipation.
- Laura
 
Question from Addman  on 3/10/2006 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I apologise for my earlier mistake, you were correct, there is no Quirky Omelette Maker. It was a Quirky Quiche Maker.
- Addman


Dear Addman,
     You only submitted this futile piece of information in order to bother me. Don't think I don't know what you're up to. ;)
- Laura
 
Question from Lone Shee  on 3/8/2006 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I have a simple question for you, do you happen to know where the other Shee went? It gets rather lonely on the Ark... Alone.
- Lone Shee


Dear Lone Shee,
     Did you check behind the couch? It's only common sense. When I lose things I often find them again behind the couch. Why, just the other day I found my lost homework that the dog ate and regurgitated and... The Secret Lair of the Mole People! :o (Yes, I never clean behind my couch, I just live in hope that the fairies will magically do it for me).
- Laura
 
Question from Addman  on 3/8/2006 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I believe you just gave Orfeo some bad advice. Although he may not be able to put creature eggs in the Quirky Cookie Machine, he can put them in the Quirky Omelette Maker. This spews out different flavoured omelettes for Norns to join, and you can add extra items as seasoning, such as apples and grass seeds. Perfect for those of you who want to experience Norn cannibalism. I think you should apologise to Orfeo and provide him with a link this amazing contraption.
Yours evilly,
- Addman


Dear Addman,
     You are either delusional or just plain barking. There is no such thing as a 'Quirky Omelette Maker', you were probably dreaming my dear. I guess that's bound to happen when you hang around the Evil Council cronies for too long. I believe my advice was sound; please do not undermine my authority as Agony Aunt. My advice is always correct, especially where Norn psychology and behavioural issues are concerned, my PhD in this makes me Dr. Laura. Thus, I command you repent and apologise to me. But please, if you have any further complaints about my work, put them in writing, (preferably using the Ask Laura? 'Greener than Green Pen') then crumple up the paper and drop it into the nearest bin.
Yours sincerely,
- Laura
 
Question from A Green Norn  on 3/8/2006 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Norn intensly scared! Norn sent through Warp a lot. Hands hate Norn. Norn didn't do anything bad! Hand thinks Norn is a hippie. Hand always sends Norn through Warp. Me intensely dislike Warp! Eem intensely need help!
- A Green Norn


Dear A Green Norn,
     I'm sorry, but I agree with the Hand. You should be sacrificed for the good of Nornkind! ORF WITH ITS HEAD!
- Laura
 
Question from Meep  on 3/3/2006 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I was raising assorted Norns on my docked Docking Station game, and I got a green Magma Norn through the Warp. It looked harmless enough, so I checked it with the HoverDoc and then introduced it to the others. After five minutes half of the other Norns had died of some disease, they were all different. So I sent the green Magma Norn back, but then the remaining Zebra Norns starting producing green Magmas! What just happened?
- Meep


Dear Meep,
     I warned you all, I said the Green Norns were to be avoided, that they influence the young with their carefree, rebellious ways, but did you listen to me? No! You should have killed it; now it has the chance to spread the evils of existentialism and 'hippieness' through the Warp! You may have doomed all of Nornkind with your thoughtless sending! Well, I?m sorry, you guys completely ignored my advice, you?re on your own with this one.
- Laura
 
Question from Jake  on 3/2/2006 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I have a green Norn, is it a different type of breed?
- Jake


Dear Jake,
     The 'Green' (also known as 'Hippie') Norns have been sighted recently invading our stations. They are all vegetarians, and often wear psychedelic heart and flower designs. Avoid them at all costs; they will introduce your other Norns to existentialism, something which can de deadly in the right doses. Of course, I could just be pulling your leg... ;) The more plausible (and more likely) reason could simply be that your Norn has a genetic defect or mutation, and has inherited a green pigment gene from its parents.
- Laura
 
Question from Shadow Ralts  on 2/26/2006 | comment

Dear Laura,
     What happens when you pull an Ettin?
- Shadow Ralts


Dear Shadow Ralts,
     Once again I feel as though we've stepped into the tricky world of inter-species dating, if that's what you're into. I imagine that the Ettin race would be highly impressed by bowers of hoarded stuff, if you're looking for something to smooth over the first 'meeting of the parents'. Just make sure that you haven't nicked any of your bower from your Ettin's family or friends; that would be a faux pas that's hard to beat. If an Ettin is suitably impressed, she will mate with you. It's like a dowry. ;)
- Laura
 

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