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Question from C-Rex  on 5/25/2008 | comment

Dear Laura,
     My Norns are forming a rebellion against me, just because I gave a dying Grendel some of their vitamin potion. They are now shouting "TRAITOR!" and throwing cheese, carrots and Hoppities at me. Please help me before they nuke the ship!
- C-Rex


Dear C-Rex,
     If I were you I wouldn?t be writing to this column pleading for a way out. Instead I?d be on my knees, begging for my Norns? forgiveness and trying to make amends. You have destroyed the sacred trust that exists between a Hand and its Norns by saving that Grendel?s life, an arch nemesis. If I helped you out of your situation, it could lead to the end of the revolt against you and as I should really be siding with my fellow Norns, it would be a very silly thing for me to do. I think you need to seriously re-assess where your loyalties lie. You?re either with them, keeping the Grendels out of the Norn Terrarium, or you?re against them. How would you feel if were rushing to a Grendel?s aid and a Norn drowned in Stickletrout pond, all because you weren?t there to save it?
- Laura
 
Question from Norn Speaker  on 5/8/2008 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I have had many a Norn in my days, and I know their sounds, what they mean, everything! I am afraid I have an unnatural love for this game. Oh, what am I to do?
- Norn Speaker


Dear Norn Speaker,
     A keen observation and understanding of Nornish behaviour is an important skill if you are to raise and defend your tribe of norns against the perils of the world; picking up Bibble is part of that. Several prior "Norn Whisperers" - for that is what you are - have kept journals of the Bibble language. Do not be afraid of your skill, use it to commune with your Norns under the gaze of the full moon, and learn their mysteries. I charge you with this: Chin-pa yow-beh-bee dih-doh!
- Laura
 
Question from Hardman Green  on 5/3/2008 | comment

Dear Laura,
     You there! We are the green Hardman gang and we are going to invade the Norn Home, and torture any non-green Norns. Wanna join us?
- Hardman Green


Dear Hardman Green,
     You seem to be under the assumption that because I am green, I will consider joining your 'forces'. I pity you for your misguidance. I am unsure what you could possibly turn to your aid in this petty vendetta. Carrot spears? Cheese grenades? Consider turning your efforts to more fruitful pursuits, like contemplating your navel fluff, for you are no match for my Atomizer Cannon?!
- Laura
 
Question from Fig  on 4/6/2008 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I am a Grendel who is in love with the Hand, but it doesn't love me back. It keeps slapping me and throwing me around the Comms Room. What should I do?
- Fig


Dear Fig,
     Inter-species relations are a bit of a tricky issue and aren?t usually smiled upon, and I do believe the Hand thinks the same and is showing its extreme displeasure! Unless you really treasure the prospect of ending your life as a quirky type of piranha bait, you should stop what you?re doing and seriously contemplate what good you can expect from this, what already seems to be, destructive affair! Personally I think that no good will come of it whatsoever, as the Hand clearly does not love you back, and you?d be much better off finding a mate of your own kind. As much as a relationship with an all-powerful being sounds appealing, nothing can possibly beat the satisfaction you could get from looking elsewhere. Imagine dining on fine mushrooms in the Jungle Terrarium, or stalking defenseless Norns with your partner in crime, a female Grendel who has beautiful sparkling scales. Trust me on this one, a Hand is too snobbish to even dream of doing any of those things. ;)
- Laura
 
Question from Anti-Ettin  on 3/6/2008 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I don't know what to do! I think gadgets are... Boring! I prefer to paint
pictures and eat Shee crackers with Shee cheese, they do go well. But there is one problem, the other Ettins pick on me. I cannot handle it any more! What do I do?
- Anti-Ettin


Dear Anti-Ettin,
     Your name alone seems to be a pretty good sign that you would rather be a Norn, Anti-Ettin, and an artistic one at that! It would explain your behaviour and unhappiness a lot, and is probably the reason why the Ettins are giving you such a hard time. My advice is that you should seek out different surroundings as soon as possible; the Norn Terrarium would suit you better. You?ll find it easier to fit in amongst creatures who share your love of cheese eating, instead of scorning it. Plus I reckon the Norns will very quickly take a shine to you, as you have no interest in nicking their stuff, and you could easily brighten up the place with some decorative paintings. What about one of an Ettin eating a piece of cheese? ;)
- Laura
 
Question from Surprised Norn  on 2/26/2008 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I just realised something! It's amazing, no other Norn has even cared before! Wallbonking is painful and you can't eat elevators! It'll revolutionise Norn survival!
- Surprised Norn


Dear Surprised Norn,
     You seem to possess a knowledge which surpasses that of your peers. I think you should preserve this rare gift and write a book documenting your discovery. One can only hope that future generations of Norns, hundreds of years down the line, may be intelligent enough to read and learn from it. My Struggle: One Norn's Battle Against Stupidity could be a good working title. And who says it has to stop there? First books, then motivational talks, seminars ? the possibilities are endless! ;) Unfortunately, the downside to all this is that you probably won't be around to reap in the millions in cheese the book will produce for you, but at least your heirs will be well fed!
- Laura
 
Question from Hungry Norn  on 2/8/2008 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I'm starving. I'm sitting under the apple tree and there are twenty food vendors around me, with the Hand also bringing me food. I'm starving to death! What should I do?
- Hungry Norn


Dear Hungry Norn,
     Tut tut, Hungry Norn, eating is very important... How do you expect to wallbonk and aggravate the Hand something chronic, by playing endlessly in the elevators, without sufficient energy from cheese, carrots and seeds? Ask your Hand if it could refresh your memory with the meaning of "push food" and then ask it to wriggle a piece of cheese under your nose in a tempting manner. Hopefully after that your mouth will start watering and suddenly you?ll believe all those food vendors to provide the best in Norn cuisine and wonder how you ever got by without them!
- Laura
 
Question from Pan  on 2/1/2008 | comment

Dear Laura,
     My Hardman Norns and my Ettins have teamed up and have overthrown the Capillata, keeping my Exit button hostage! They won't allow me to leave until I pay them 5000 pieces of cheese! Can you help me?!
- Pan


Dear Pan,
     Have you ever introduced your Norns to the wonder that is a vendor? A vendor is a marvellous invention that, when pushed, will create other items for you, such as food. I think the offering of a cheese vendor will pretty much guarantee the safe return of your exit button and of your safety. It?s always a good idea to keep one close by, in the event that you need to win favour with a difficult Norn. Various sources of cheese are readily available to Hands; the classic Cheese Vendor, the Cheese Plate and the Cheese Plant, in order to cater to every Norn?s fancy.
- Laura
 
Question from Bart the Bird  on 1/13/2008 | 2 comments | 2 likes

Dear Laura,
     Are you my mother?
- Bart the Bird


Dear Bart the Bird,
     It is with mixed feelings that I reach out to you, Bart, my dear long lost son! Even in the joy of our reuniting, I must begin by bringing you sad news of your birth father, a Bird Norn. He had an argument with a Jumbo Jet COB and lost. When I was much younger, we had a whirlwind romance, (spurred, no doubt, by the fact I lived near a Starseed Tree). I want you to know that I loved your father very, very much and that I am very sad that I couldn't be there for you as you've grown up. It was shortly after I had laid the egg that would later become you, that I ill-advisedly got into a mover which took me away from you... and then I found some cheese to flib. Somehow, minutes passed, and by the time I thought to return, you were long gone. Not even any shards of eggshell remained to mark the place where my egg, my baby had been. You have always been in my thoughts, but with some trepidation. I often wondered about how much you are like your father, who I still miss very much. Despite this, he is still gone forever, and I must not lose this chance to have a relationship with my son because I still love his father.
- Laura
 
Question from Confused  on 1/6/2008 | comment

Dear Laura,
     My Norn recently fractured his leg when he was racing another Norn on the top floor of the Norn Meso, he fell all the way down to the bottom floor! How can I pay for his medical bills? Health care does not come cheap where I live. His bill is about 13,564 kilograms (about 2.2 times of the value of the British pound). If
you can't help me pay his bills, I might have to sell the world!
- Confused


Dear Confused,
     As a student at a Learning Room prestigious Norn University, I understand where you're coming from on having medical assistance on a budget. I find that you can often cut costs by going for free natural alternatives, and knowing where to find these is important. Discover the world of agents, you'll never look back! I recommend getting the Purple Pears, as the Vitamin C will help heal your norn's bones and injuries. Rest is vital, as is eating a lot of food; the fatty acids contain prostaglandin which also assists in healing. I also advise taking your norn for a visit to the NornDoktor as I have never heard of anyone getting a bill from her. As for your medical bills, pay them in agents! ;)
- Laura
 

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