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Question from Grendel Lover  on 6/9/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Hey, I'm a part of the "cliche" at my school. We call ourselves the "Grendel Kisspoppers" and, well, that's what we do. We regularly go out into the jungle and kisspop Grendels because that's so edgy man. Well, my buddy Em here just went into the jungle and hasn't come out. I'm very mad that he's taking his sweet time in there, enjoying himself. I've tried knocking on the door and yelling at him to finish up, but he still refuses to come out. What should I do?
- Grendel Lover


Dear Grendel Lover,
     Clearly, "Grendel Kisspopping" gives you all a thrill that few hobbies can match, but I believe your friend Em, rather than being caught up in the passion of the moment, is instead paying the price for toying with somebody?s feelings. Beneath a Grendel?s menacing demeanour, there lies a big heart, and so I wouldn?t be surprised if Em's partner has become fed up with his antics and pushed him into the piranha pool. I hope you can take this as a wakeup call, and leave those poor Grendels' heartstrings alone. Why not see this tragedy as a reason to take up a less dangerous pastime, like, I don't know... apple picking?
- Laura
 
Question from Vakerik  on 6/8/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I purposely set off the volcano in the Desert Terrarium but something clogged up the machinery. Now lava is continuously flowing within the desert and I fear it will spread to the rest of the Ark! Would should I do? If the lava reaches the air lock at dissolves the doors, the whole ship's life could be sucked out into space! Please, oh, please help me!
- Vakerik


Dear Vakerik,
     Thank Shee that the lava from the volcano runs thick and slowly, so you will have time to put the following plan into action; just imagine you?re in the middle of your very own disaster movie! I'm afraid you may have to sacrifice the Aquatic Terrarium to quench the lava. Hurry and evacuate the Ettins to safe ground, and as you make your dash for the exit, be sure to leave the entrance to the Aquatic Terrarium open. As the lava flows through the desert and into the aquarium, it will solidify on contact with the water. Unfortunately, this means that all the sea life will die, but the Hand can easily replenish its stock. The Desert Terrarium will be quite uninhabitable for a time, but once the volcanic glass begins to break down, the desert will bloom. Don't worry about the volcano producing lava eternally, the unusually large quantities of lava will have melted the faulty mechanism away, and the volcano will settle back into a natural cycle. Maybe when the lava has cooled, you could use it to sculpture some kickin' statues to decorate the place. I?ve always thought the Desert Terrarium could do with some flair. ;)
- Laura
 
Question from The Chat Shee  on 6/6/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Is there an IRC client for SheeOS? I've found your 'CC Chat' channel, but I can't seem to join. Or do you know anyone who could program a client for me?
- The Chat Shee


Dear The Chat Shee,
     Forgive me for my bluntness, but surely any true Shee would have many colleagues to talk to, on the ship that abandoned Albia, so many years ago? I suspect that due to your interest in the gadgetry of computers, you are instead a Banshee, wishing to infiltrate our society for your own nefarious purposes. Regretfully, I cannot assist you in joining the CC Chat channel anyway, even if I thought you were truly a Shee; the Ask Laura column does not support technical queries. ;)
- Laura
 
Question from Confused Ettin  on 6/4/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Long ago, I did lots of stuff on Albia... What happened to it?
- Confused Ettin


Dear Confused Ettin,
     Long ago and far away now, Albia was injured by a volcanic eruption, raining FIRE and BRIMSTONE over the land and seas. You'd be far better off in seeking new employment on the Shee Ark, where the volcano is merely scary, not fatal! I?m sure the Hand will appreciate having your mechanical skills at its disposal; there?s always a chicken soup vendor that needs unclogging, or a smell emitter that?s stopped emitting and needs its refill replaced. :P And who knows, you might even meet some new lifelong friends on the job!
- Laura
 
Question from Burble  on 5/30/2010 | comment | 1 like

Dear Laura,
     I'm a female Treehugger norn just like you, and I'm really worried! My friend Trashman the Treehugger and I were playing in the jungle, and I kissed him, and there was this loud pop! I got scared and ran home to the Meso in a hurry! The problem is, now I feel very funny, and my tummy hurts, and it is making the most awful noises! Was it something I ate? What should I do?
- Burble


Dear Burble,
     Well dear, I think it?s high time that we discussed the birds and the bee- erm, badbugs! Have you ever watched the kingfisher tend to her nest by the Stickleback Trout pond? We shall call her 'Karen'. Karen is building a safe refuge for her young, for when season is right, the male kingfishers will compete to show her who is the most strong and attractive. Having chosen the kingfisher she likes the best, Karen will then go with him to a quiet place, where they?ll start to kiss until they hear a POP ? does this sound familiar at all? After a day or so, she will lay at least one egg, and will have to keep it safe and warm in her nest, until a new baby kingfisher hatches out of it. That loud popping noise you heard was just like the Kingfishers mating. Soon you will have your own egg to care for and, when it hatches, a baby Norn to look after. Kingfishers will spend a long time teaching their offspring how to survive, and you?ll need to do the same, and make sure that Trashman helps you out! It can a rich and rewarding experience. Teach it the difference between food and detritus, some basic Handish words from the Learning Room, and don?t forget to introduce it to the joys of removing the bridge over the piranha pool... while a Grendel is on it. The Hand approves of those who teach good survival skills to their children. [devil]
- Laura
 
Question from Pop Rocker  on 5/29/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I'm experiencing a major dilemma! My Hand recently introduced me to the wonderful world of music. Not the lame tunes that the saxophone spurts out, but real music. But Albia has started to corrupt cause there isn't enough memory for my millions of songs. Fish have started to fly, Doozers are dropping dead with no warning, and the volcano is erupting! What should I do?
- Pop Rocker


Dear Pop Rocker,
     Rather than you singlehandedly causing the end of your civilisation, it appears that your Hand has begun to uninstall ?Creatures 1? in favour for a newer world they call ?Creatures 2?! It?s been documented that, thousands of years ago, the original Albia?s surface was ripped away by a devastating volcanic eruption, with earthquakes tearing the land apart and exposing the secret laboratories of the Shee for the first time! Isn?t that exciting?! You?ll be able to check those out for yourself once your transmission into ?Creatures 2? Albia is complete. In the meantime, avoid being slapped in the face by a flying fish, take cover from being pelted with hot molten lava and just ride this apocalypse out. Soon you?ll be tasting your first Acorn Nut, enjoying the peaceful ambience of the waterfall, and befriending the Ettin and ?Pitz?, its companion. I?d also ask your Hand to get you an external flash drive; a much more convenient way to store all of your music... and perhaps some earphones? ;)
- Laura
 
Question from Graaaah  on 5/28/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I am a Grendel with a mate and my own family. I've helped save my world from the vicious tyrant Hand, so my kind no longer has to live in fear. However, I miss the days when I could walk into the Norn Terrarium and send them running. Every day it's stop the kids from falling into the piranha pond, or fix the food dispenser, or give a cheese basket to this Norn... I just want to feel like a real Grendel again. Recently, an Ettin, with a highly extensive knowledge of CAOS, offered to give me a day as a vicious Grendel, in exchange for a day in my life. It seems like the perfect deal, exchanging some boring day from my past for a day when I was feared, for a day when I can terrify all the Norns, Ettins and Hands of the world. Should I take it?
- Graaaah


Dear Graaaah,
     At the end of the day, you should do what makes you feel happy and comfortable in your scales. It?s good to be helpful and caring towards your neighbours, but you should think of yourself too. However, I wouldn?t be too trusting, or enter any agreement blindly. It may all be too good to be true, and who knows what mayhem this Ettin?s magic can evoke. I suggest that you ask for a written statement, detailing exactly what it asks for in return, and read the contract very, very carefully. You don?t want to risk paying for a day of being a real chest thumping, butt scratching, flatulent Grendel, and lose the civilised personality that makes you so unique. Nor would you want to end up losing your first born, or any other particularly nasty catch, would you? If movies have taught me anything, it?s that there?s always a catch in the deal somewhere!
- Laura
 
Question from Sad Norn  on 5/26/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I have noticed that recently that the Hand that takes care of me is not around much anymore. When he is, he complains about a "community" dying out. What does he mean?
- Sad Norn


Dear Sad Norn,
     The legend says that, outside of our universe, a community made up of hundreds of different Hands exists. Often they will communicate with each other in order to socialise, share new developments, or to exchange tips on how to take care of their Norns... allegedly. However, like many of these Hands, it could be that yours has gone off to ?University? (a mysterious, Learning Computer for Hands) which means he can?t check up on Albia as much as he used to. This isn?t necessarily a bad thing though. Whilst he?s away studying, you and your fellow Norns can do whatever you please! You can raid the honey pots, without being nagged to go and brush your teeth afterwards, ride those creaky old lifts until they buckle from the strain, or even race some Albian Carrot Beetles for sport, placing bets in carrots. However, be assured that your newly-educated Hand is likely to return during the mid-term holidays, so be sure to have the place tidied up before then. :P
- Laura
 
Question from Smothered  on 5/17/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I am a Hardman Norn with a problem. Ever since a plague wiped out all the other Norns, the Hand has been obsessed with me. It keeps following me around, tickling me and trying to get me to eat treats when I am full. I am not by nature an affectionate creature, and I can't stand this. I have tried telling it to "retreat norn", saying I disliked it, even hitting it... but it won't stop. All I want to do is be left alone, and maybe hit a Grendel every once in a while. How do I get my peace and quiet?
- Smothered


Dear Smothered,
     This is where I think a teleporter could come in handy! It's a prized pyramid-shaped agent that Banshee and their Grendel companions often carry. The blueprints are also in the Agent Injector. With this small, inconspicuous device, you can whisk yourself away before the Hand even has time to say goodbye, and in those moments while the Hand searches for you, you can have some peace and quiet. Alternatively, you could even hatch out another Norn in secret, to draw attention away from yourself. Muco isn?t terribly responsive to Norns, but a few whacks from a Hardman Norn should disturb its slumber. ;)
- Laura
 
Question from Addicted Norn  on 5/13/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I have come to a realisation! I'm now addicted to your column! It's the best thing since that red and white ball! In fact, no. It's the best thing since cheese! But I fear it is becoming unhealthy and my mother is worried that the computer is dominating my life! She thinks I should get out more and play 'Slap the Norn'. What do you think?
- Addicted Norn


Dear Addicted Norn,
     I think your mother is right; you don?t want to become even more pixelated, do you? Switch off the computer, brave the sunlight and venture out to mingle with the other Norns. Everynorn needs a hobby; compete in a wallbonking competition, trade toys, taste new and exotic cheeses, or even build a collection of different critters that you find during your amblings through Albia. Broaden your horizons, I?ll still be here when you get back. Besides, it?ll give me time for a Shee Tea break. ;)
- Laura
 

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