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| Question from Spanky on 6/10/2007 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Spanky, You are the Hand in a position of authority here, spank him back hard and see how he likes it! With any luck it may deter his fondness for spanking others when he realizes that it HURTS. If that fails, invest in several pairs of foam-padded underpants and attempt to ignore him. - Laura |
| Question from Anton on 6/10/2007 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Anton, Tell me, are your food supplies well stocked? I only ask because I am yet to meet a Norn who would willingly eat detritus... It?s common knowledge that Norns can have voracious appetites, the poor beggars can guzzle and scoff away without stopping to consider if what they?re eating is actually good for them or not. Yours just got carried away. I?m tempted to suggest that you just let him sit it out until it passes, it's the only way he'll learn that detritus isn't something you eat! However, if you?re feeling sympathetic then get the Pepto Bismol COB out. - Laura |
| Question from George on 6/10/2007 | comment Dear Laura, Dear George, Yes, you seem to have a real thing about meeting Albian advice columnists by tall cliff edges... After all these years I?d have thought you?d have given up this fixation and gotten a real hobby. Like Trish, I must turn down your offer, as I am quite attached to my anonymity and wish for it to stay intact. Oh, and back to the subject of hobbies, I strongly suggest you consider getting one. Join an abseiling association; it?s something you may enjoy and as a real plus, it involves notoriously tall cliffs. - Laura |
| Question from Norn From the Future on 6/9/2007 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Norn From the Future, When you travelled to our era, you may have noticed that we have fewer Hands to care for you Norns than we used to. The populations of Norns, and the Hands that love and protect them, are dwindling.  In your past, there were obviously plenty of developers willing and capable enough to create the game you birthed from. Yet, in this time, they just don't have the capabilities (the full explanation involves marketing and such, but no doubt you wouldn't care, being a Norn and all). However, considering you call your world 'Creatures 4', which would logically come right after our Hands' 'Creatures 3', it seems possible that your history contains a major flaw; the flaw being that those responsible for supposedly creating 'Creatures 4' haven't even started yet, on a game that's far more advanced than something that could be created currently. In any case, I'm afraid I can't be of much help and can only wish you luck in solving your very own pre-destination paradox.- Laura |
| Question from A Cool Hand on 6/9/2007 | comment Dear Laura, Dear A Cool Hand, Unfortunately, the computer and Holistic Learning Machine teach the Queen's English, good Madame. If you wish your Norns to understand you, you must either stop "slanging it" or rewrite the computer's vocabulary. I would implore you to do the former, but if you must do the latter, you may find Frimlin's patch of some use. - Laura |
| Question from Cheesy on 6/9/2007 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Cheesy, From where I?m sitting it seems apparent that your Norns and Grendels are showing the classic signs of being exposed to too many cartoons, so perhaps the media is to blame here for influencing their overly-active imaginations. Television can be notorious for giving the younger generation ideas. I?m certain that a correlation exists between superhero programming and the young mind, for I?ve witnessed young Nornlings jumping off high places with towels tied around their necks! Obviously your problem here is far more serious than the occasional bruised rump, so more stringent methods are called for. Take back some control by going to the agent control device and removing the bazookas and the TV set, and then separate the Norns from the Grendels, obviously they just can't get along at the moment. Give them some time to cool down, and explain to them why they're being punished and how things are going to be from now on. Get them out into the fresh air, so that they can channel their energy more constructively. They should be playing tag, or hide and seek. - Laura |
| Question from An Aquanorn on 6/9/2007 | comment Dear Laura, Dear An Aquanorn, Since you?re an Aquanorn, the first thing I think you should do is find some prime real estate that no other Norns are interested in, perhaps the pond in the Norn Terrarium? With the Stickletrout for company you should feel right at home. Other than that, we Norns don?t really have any worries in our lives compared to say, the Hand or the Shee, so pursue what you like. The whole Ark is your oyster! All you need to do essentially is wait for the right Norn to come bibbling along to make your life complete. Eat, sleep, mate and be merry I say. - Laura |
| Question from Troubled Grendel on 6/9/2007 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Troubled Grendel, I know having kids can seem to put years on your life, I mean, that comes from chasing around after them all the time, and yes, they do make you want to pull your fur out sometimes! But you?ve got to weigh up the options here; is gaining a few years worth it when you?ll have a little carbon copy of you, and your mate, pitter-pattering around the Jungle Terrarium at the end of the day? Parenthood can be a very rewarding experience as you get to raise and watch your youngster grow up with its own personality and view of the world. For another perspective, just imagine how your Hand feels. The Hand has all those Norns to look after but it?s given it a purpose in life. In short, getting old is inevitable, but life is for living, so make the most of it and do what makes you happy! (P.S. A pre-pregnancy injection of the Life chemical, as well as good diet and exercise is recommended). - Laura |
| Question from Shorty on 6/7/2007 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Shorty, Invest in a pair of stilts and a top hat, I say. The top hat gives a sense of style and grace, a certain Cr?me de la Cr?me; certainly not traits that could be called "Shrimpy". If they start calling you "Shrimp On Toast" I think you should clip 'em round the ear though. - Laura |
| Question from Sheikspear on 5/8/2007 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Sheikspear, Go up to the third Norn and poke it gently. If it wobbles, like a jelly, you?ve solved the mystery! Harlequins have a reputation for being natural born clowns. Maybe they were just practicing a new party trick; making convincing balloon animal-Norns out of Commedias (although I?d say they were cheating since a Commedia changes shape to whatever it?s near if it?s frightened).  - Laura |
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