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| Question from The Shee on 7/19/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear The Shee, I am terribly sorry, good sirs, but we Norns are too busy enjoying our freedom, roaming around the Ark and being fed peeled grapes by the Hands to worry about such trivialities. I'm sure you'll be just fine in the cheese dimension eating nothing but cheese. After all, it is what you have been feeding us Norns our entire lives. It shouldn't be too hard for your enormous intellect (thank you for OHSS by the way) to figure out your own way home. Good Luck! - Laura |
| Question from Concerned Norn on 7/18/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Concerned Norn, Although the Toxic Norns and the Plague Ettins are notoriously contagious, and even though you may have to hold your nose whenever the smell of chemicals wafts past, they still need a lot of attention from the Hand, as they?re more prone to eating something healthy and getting ill. The Hand is immune to disease, but it really should wear a protective rubber glove during its excursions, and scrub itself thoroughly after handling anything toxic. After all, we don't want any germs to spread, and green muck stains can be a real nightmare to wash out, once they get onto your fur. I?d also recommend that the Hand keeps its "toys" strictly inside the Garbage Dump, just in case you do sprout giant wings! - Laura |
| Question from Sad Angry Norn on 7/18/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Sad Angry Norn, If Toxic is going to stray then he isn't worth your time. Your new Grenorn boyfriend might not be quite Mr. Right either, but who says a Norn can't have a little fun with a dashing hunk while she's still young?  I'm sure that the Norn Terrarium, under the watchful eye of the other Norns, would be the ideal setting for a first date. Maybe you could take a romantic ride in the lifts together. However, decline the invite if he wants to take you back to the Jungle Terrarium to "meet the family"!- Laura |
| Question from Mary Sue on 7/14/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Mary Sue, Perhaps you'll be happier with life as a secondary character, in this unfortunate piece of fan fiction your Hand has penned. Everyone's expectations of you won't be as high, and you won't be deemed important enough for your terribly terrible past to contribute anything to the story! The first step would be to get kidnapped. Take a leisurely stroll through the Jungle Terrarium and poke the first Grendel you see in the eye. If all goes to plan, you should find yourself suspended in a cage over the piranha pond. I hope you're good with heights! Then wait patiently for a less-than-perfect Norn to come and steal the spotlight by rescuing you against all odds, in which he'll learn a lot about himself, his flaws and his hidden strengths. - Laura |
| Question from Lelouch Ettin on 7/14/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Lelouch Ettin, Before you tell the Hand anything the wisest thing to do would be to GET OUT OF THERE, before you meet an unfortunate end at the bottom of the ocean floor! Those "Norns" are also fish. See those red and white striped ones? Those are Clown fish! Those purple floaty things? Aquamites! That brown furry thing? Oh wait. That is a Norn. Whoops. - Laura |
| Question from Vatrena on 7/14/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Vatrena, The Albian desert is no place for a Mimikry Norn. Only Golden Desert Norns, Scorpio Norns, and Ettins are equipped for the heat caused by that shiny yellow thing, and trust me, you wouldn?t want to eat it unless you wanted to lose possession of your tongue. Your owner may seem harsh by making you go into the desert, but perhaps it thought it was time you were dragged away from the computer to broaden your horizons. This could be a great opportunity to explore until it comes to collect you. The temple is one of the most notable landmarks of Albia, and the dead tree you see is actually the old World Tree, Yggdrasil! At the very least either will provide you with a bit of shade, and there are plenty of cactus seeds to snack on should you get peckish. Just be sure to steer clear of that ?wobbly blue thing?; going for a swim in the ocean to cool off is NOT wise!- Laura |
| Question from Tom the Grendel on 7/11/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Tom the Grendel, If watching cartoons on the Hand's TV has taught me anything, it's that unnecessarily elaborate and wacky booby traps are an absolute must. Climb to the uppermost level of the Treehouse in the Norn Terrarium, after placing some cheese on the edge of the platform below. Get a long piece of rope and a heavy object like a volcanic rock, or preferably a piano, if you have one, and tie it onto the balcony. Then wait with an axe ready to cut the rope for when the Norn comes along and approaches the bait, squashing it KERSPLAT! Just be careful that the Norn doesn't pull any tricks and replace the cheese with eggs to lure you under there instead. I am 100% certain that this will not backfire on you, well... At least 99% sure (disclaimer: The Ask Laura column cannot be held responsible for flattened Grendels) but if this fails, I know of an Ettin who's handing out free pieces of finest mature cheddar! - Laura |
| Question from Etn on 7/11/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Etn, Hit the Shee Ark hard and fast with a major, and I mean MAJOR, pamphlet campaign. Persuade? No... TELL voters to say YES to Prop 35, and let the true love and strength of an inter-species marriage know no bounds! Thrust those pamphlets into their paws if you have to, with perhaps a generous slice of the finest mature cheddar tactfully interspersed between the pages, as some "encouragement" wouldn't hurt either. - Laura |
| Question from Thirsty Grendel on 7/9/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear Thirsty Grendel, I have been in negotiations with the E.R.F.N. over this matter, and they've told me to suggest that a good substitute for Norn-Bru is 'Piranha-Bru', and that you really ought to dive into the Piranha pond and sample some, for its fishy taste... On second thought... ![:\](/images/smilies/confused.gif ":\") I think you're safer trying an alternative that doesn?t involve you getting wet! You might find that the Meat Vendor is the ideal replacement to satisfy your carnivorous cravings. Why don't you ask your Hand to download it?- Laura |
| Question from The Daleks on 7/7/2010 | comment Dear Laura, Dear The Daleks, Hunt as you may you won't find any Norns, Grendels or Ettins to exterminate. The Hand quickly realised its error and is already one step ahead of you. As you may now realise, you have been imported into a dimension in which the Shee Ark is quite empty. Don't worry; you won't be alone for long as the good Doctor is already on his way. - Laura |
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