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Question from Music Norn  on 11/2/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     The radio in the Norn Terrarium makes me sick! It's just the same song over and over! What's even more annoying is, I'm the only Norn who cares and everyone else just keeps turning it on! How can I get some different music on the thing?
- Music Norn


Dear Music Norn,
     You're in deep space, be thankful that you're even receiving consistent radio transmissions. Back in my youth, all we had was static, and we liked it that way! If you want more music on the ship, then I suggest forming a band using the drums in the Norn Terrarium and some assorted beeping gadgets. I hear the Grendels make good DJ's too.
- Laura
 
Question from Alarmed Norn  on 11/2/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I was casually walking down the garden today when a whole flock of flying lemons came flying right at me. They seemed rather dangerous and were pelting me and some other Norns in the head! What should we do about these lemons? They've gone mad!
- Alarmed Norn


Dear Alarmed Norn,
     The best way to get rid of flying lemons is to find the 'Sniggering Bush'. Usually it can be found in the direction the lemons come from, and sounds remarkably like a Grendel having a good time. Poking this strange and mysterious shrubbery a few times with a sharp stick will surely rid you of the flying lemon plague.
- Laura
 
Question from Marvin  on 11/1/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed. I mean here I am, brain the size of a planet and they ask me to "push tool". Call that job satisfaction, 'cause I don't.
- Marvin


Dear Marvin,
     DON'T PANIC. Just dump a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster on your motherboard and all your worries will just wash away. Also, keep hold of your towel, that is extremely important.
- Laura
 
Question from Replaced Norn  on 11/1/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Our Hand has replaced us! One day while we were playing in the Norn Terrarium, a mean looking Grendel appeared! The bravest of our Norns went to kill him, but when he did, our Hand slapped him to death! How could he? The brave Norn's wife and children were so sad! It was heartbreaking. Now our Hand has put us in the Jungle, while those Grendels live in our Terrarium! Please help, it's so cold and dark in here, and I don't feel so well... What should we do?
- Replaced Norn


Dear Replaced Norn,
     Be brave and show the Hand exactly what you're worth by claiming back your home. You should be able to find lots of useful things in the Jungle Terrarium to dress yourself up like a fearsome warrior tribe. Armed with a Piranha-on-a-Stick, a Hollow-Fruit-Full-of-Wasps and some tall, spiky foliage, unite as one and stampede the Norn Terrarium! The sight of snapping teeth charging towards them on a spear should be enough to make those Grendels scamper back to where they belong!
- Laura
 
Question from The Chef Hand  on 7/23/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     My Norns have been becoming very fussy eaters lately, and refuse to eat anything I feed them. Do you have any good recipes I could try out?
- The Chef Hand


Dear The Chef Hand,
     Your Norns really ought to get used to all their food available for a healthy diet. Try preparing meals more suitable for their mental age. Something as simple as arranging their meals into fun shapes, like a face with a carrot smile and a cheese nose, should be enough to tempt them. If you want to experiment with your culinary skills for a more suitable audience, then why not invite a few fellow Hands round for a dinner party? I'm sure you'll find that your guests will appreciate your menu more.
- Laura
 
Question from Hacker Norn  on 7/22/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     This may seem a bit stupid, but would it be possible to somehow "hack" the Learning Computer? I'm planning on changing all of the words to curse words as a way of getting back at the Hand for locking me in the airlock! I can't wait till I see his face (hand?) when all of the baby Norns are walking about saying curse words! Can you provide me with step-by-step instructions please?
- Hacker Norn


Dear Hacker Norn,
     Perhaps it was behaviour like this that got you confined to the airlock in the first place. If you continue acting up the punishments are going to get harsher and harsher, as the Hand tries to find a level of punishment suitable to dissuade you from misbehaving. It might be wise to realise the Hand has your best interests at heart, before you wind up being shipped off to live with the like-minded Sailor Norns. This may sound like a holiday to you now, but you?ll soon live to regret it when these scurvy dogs realise what a "lily livered sprog" you are, and turn you into their slave. Before long they?ll be swearing at you to swab the desks, or to hoist the main sails in a torrential storm. Quietly playing with toys and eating carrots in the Norn Terrarium will have never seemed so good. ;)
- Laura
 
Question from Sad Hand  on 7/22/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Please! Help! My Norns are eating nothing but seeds, they are able to move their hair up and down, they are building nests from grass, and they are laying eggs without mating!
- Sad Hand


Dear Sad Hand,
     Your Norns have obviously become avid twitchers, converting the Norn Terrarium into an aviary. I'm afraid that drastic measures are called for, as this fixation is far too advanced. To rattle this gigantic bird cage, introduce them all to the Neko Ettins. Their feline features should cure your Norn's obsession with our feathered friends... And watch out for any unexpected 'missiles' from above; cats scare birds. :P
- Laura
 
Question from Little Norn  on 7/21/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Eem kant spik Inglish veri well. Hand is sad bekoz eem kant say some words. Me feel engri. Is there any way to learn Inglish fast? Eem hope you un... unde... underst... understand my problem.
- Little Norn


Dear Little Norn,
     No wonder you're struggling to learn English! The Learning Computer appears to be infected with a nasty virus, one that's corrupting the vocabulary files. The Hand just needs to install some 'Anti-Virus Grendel' (AVG) software on it and you'll soon be speaking the lingo like a pro. I'd recommend calling out an Ettin to help with the installation though, as it might prove to be a little technical.
- Laura
 
Question from The Shee  on 7/20/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Here's an interesting fact. The Hands were created by us and if I, the Shee leader, press one button, they will all disappear permanently. And you'd have to find food for yourself and the Hands would never be able to feed you a single peeled grape again. So please get us out of here, because I already never want to see cheese again! So will you?
- The Shee


Dear The Shee,
     Here's another interesting fact. The real Shee would never claim to have created the Hands. They probably don't even know of their existence and are too kind, and intelligent, to ever resort to such silly threats. If you claim to be as powerful as you say you are, then using one of your magic buttons to escape should be no problem for you. ;) But you're probably just a Cheese Banshee, trying to escape from the cheesier dimension. We know your kind...
- Laura
 
Question from A Norn  on 7/19/2010 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I stubbed my toe and it hurts! Now what?
- A Norn


Dear A Norn,
     Amputate.
- Laura
 

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