Creatures Caves

Here's a few I liked:

Dear Laura,
My Norns have a soap-opera problem. My one male, Nick, loves a female, Kerry, who's mothered children with 20 random Norns so far (none of whom are Nick), and her cousin, Sarah, is in love with Nick's older brother, Chris (who has fathered one of Kerry's children). But Chris is in love with another Norn, Julia, who loves Nick. What should I do?
- Andio

Dear Andio,
Like Trish once said: "The best way to stop a soap-opera is to stop the actor's paychecks." Hire a camera crew and a producer to write a storyline where Chris "accidently" got killed when he was tragically bundled by a mob of Ettins dressed up in Grendel costumes at a fancy dress party. The ratings will be higher than "The Simpsons"! *cough* Problem solved.
- Laura

This one gets me just because it's so obvious:

Dear Laura,
I put my Mascot Norn underwater and she drowned. Why did she Drown?
- Kat

Dear Kat,
Since Mascot Norns are non-aquatic, they shouldn't be placed into the water, as this only results in them drowning because of the lack of oxygen underwater.
- Laura

Dear Laura,
My C2 Norn Charles must think he's a lawyer or something. On several occasions, I've seen Charles, and two angry-faced Norns speaking babble and "Me dislike...", snatching a toy or a piece of food out of the other Norn's hands. A few minutes later, Charles would give the food/toy to one of the other Norns. That Norn would get happy, when the other one would eventually gain a smile and walk away. What's with my Norn's behavior?
- Onna

Dear Onna,
What you've said is self-expanatory really... To me, it seems obvious that Charles wants to maintain the peace within Albia by keeping everyone happy. These are the true qualities of a peacemaker, let alone a lawyer.
- Laura

Dear Laura,
I have two Norns, one is really old now and is called Alan Rickman and one is a teenager called Raura. The problem I have got is that Raura keeps on following Alan and wants to have his babies. Seeing that Alan is about 125 years old, surely this is a bit weird and very sad. What can I do to stop this and how can I make Raura like Norns her own age and stop fancying old git Norns?
- Raura's Daddy

Dear Raura's Daddy,
Firstly, you must realise that "old git Norns" as you so eloquently put it, have higher sex drives than normal males. This makes them understandably more desirable to female Norns of a younger generation. Secondly, an average Norn's lifespan can in fact, vary from up to ten hours, not 125 years. Raura obviously has an acquired taste for the more mature male - a welcome change from some of the other Norns she must know. You know? The ones who act like their shoe size and not their age. In order to stop Raura liking Norns that are so much older than her, Alan will have to go through a long mating process with her, after which she will be too star struck to do anything. You will just have to sit back and watch it happen, begrudgingly. I'm sure she will quite happily repay your act of concern for her, with a swift kick up the backside for mentioning this most embarrassing and personal dilemma publicly, once she's read this response.
(To my loyal viewers: Yes, that was actually my father submitting that question. Everybody laugh at him!

)
- Laura

Dear Laura,
I killed the Norns that wouldn't talk to me. Was that the right thing to do?
- Cheese Burger

Dear Cheese Burger,
Pacifist n. Opposition to war or violence as a means of resolving disputes.
Repeat after me, "Ruthless violence is not the answer, I am a cold-blooded killer." Keep telling yourself that every morning and you'll soon be able to resist the temptation and realise that killing Norns on impulse is a very silly thing to do.

I also suggest that you join a support group such as C.A.N.A, ("Creatures Against Norn Abuse"

to help you overcome your problems with brutality.
- Laura

Dear Laura,
Is it OK to eat your siblings as long as they've not hatched yet?
- Hungry in Albia

Dear Hungry in Albia,
That really depends on whether you serve them poached or boiled.
- Laura

Dear Laura,
I was tucking one of my baby Norns into their cot and then it suddenly shouted "Laura!". It keeps shouting it and I'm worried it might wear out your name? Please, how can I keep it quiet?
- Confused Carer

Dear Confused Carer,
It appears that your baby Norn has finally learnt its first word... A proud moment for any doting parent!

Though you may not appreciate it, once the first word has been learnt, your Norn will probably repeat it for hours and hours, feeling delighted with its new-found communication skills. The only thing you can do is just sit it out patiently and hope that the little tyke wears itself out... However, it if does get too tedious, I suggest that you gag it with a large hedgehog. This should drown out the noise and allow you to get a good night's sleep.
- Laura