During my time in space, I've observed many fascinating things happening with my machinery, my Ettins and... well... in space. I'd really like to sit down and document them all, but every time I pick up my pen, I get really bad finger cramps. Once I tried writing with my feet and immediately got toe cramps. Another time I tried writing with my mouth, and I accidentally bit my pen and ended up swallowing the ink. I've also tried dictating my words to the Ettins, but they just repeat them back to me incorrectly and then dismantle my machines while humming out of tune. I have wondered if perhaps Shee were not meant to write - but that can't possibly be true, or where would all the tea recipes have come from? There must be some way, so tell me, what am I to do?
- Fingers Don't Fing
Dear Fingers Don't Fing,
If your fingers don't fing, does that make them 'gers'?
Short of taking an axe to them, which seems a tad drastic, since who knows how long it would take them to grow back, have you considered that perhaps penmanship isn't where your talent lies? Someone intelligent like yourself can have many strings to their bow, you just need to find yours. For example, I'm no good at yodelling, but I can carry a tune on my harmonica. Unlike me though, I reckon a good substitute for the written word could be found within your voice. Did you know, in days gone by, before online forums were invented, some creatures enjoyed rambling across Albia, bibbling about their everyday adventures for the rest of the world to hear? It is a respected but forgotten art, so I say embrace it and make it your own! Forget about relying on Ettins, for there are many virtues to a good dictaphone. Unlike my kleptomaniac cousins, dictaphones are hard-wearing and are great for sounding important, combating loneliness, recording new tea recipes and documenting clever observations. I'm sure my readers and I would all greatly anticipate the very first podcast by a Shee. If you need suggestions for a working title, I'd be happy to help.