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Question from Tortured Ettin  on 11/3/2012 | 2 comments | 2 likes

Dear Laura,
     Uh oh! I think my Hand's gone crazy! It keeps trying to stick its wet finger in my ear and up my nose! I'm hiding in the airlock now, using my homemade laptop to contact you. HELP!
- Tortured Ettin

Dear Tortured Ettin,
     Crazy Hand, indeed! Are you sure it didn't drink some hooch when you had your back turned? Since it seems to be in a very questionable state, get yourself out of the airlock quickly! There's no telling if its silly wet finger might accidentally push the button and turn you into nothing more than dust and bones! Fortunately, you already possess a means of escape; your homemade laptop would be the perfect distraction for the Hand, if you can handle its fingers all over it, that is. Better yet, try to lock the Hand away with the laptop. [nevilgrin] I've heard computers can be addictive, and that should give you some rest from the craziness!
- Laura
Question from Me No Speak Spanish  on 11/2/2012 | 2 comments | 9 likes

Dear Laura,
     Today the Hand decided to introduce me to a new Norn, but I couldn't understand a word he said! Apparently he's speaking Spanish and I can't seem to find anyone who can translate what he's saying. He said this to me a few seconds ago: "Hay un Grendel detrás de ti!" Could you translate it for me?
- Me No Speak Spanish

Dear Me No Speak Spanish,
     Let me just consult my dusty volume of the Encyclopedia Nornica. Okay: 'Hay' means 'There is', 'un' means 'a', 'Detrás de' means 'behind', 'ti' means 'yo... Holy Shee, RUUUN AWAAAY! Call this a hunch, but I think it's about time the Hand began teaching your amigo some English phrases. [nscared]
- Laura
Question from Poisoned  on 11/1/2012 | comment | 3 likes

Dear Laura,
     One of the Norns among us got poisoned by a very bright pink flower. She has a major fever and we don't know how to cure her. I fear she might die if we leave her. How can I save the love of my life?
- Poisoned

Dear Poisoned,
     They say that natural antidotes are often found near the poisons they cure. With that in mind, why not offer your beloved a sampling of the other flowers and herbs growing in the area? Keep an eye out for something rather blue: antidotes often have the strange property of looking exactly opposite of the poison they cure. If worst comes to worst, at least it can't do any extra harm, and the pretty bouquet will show her that you care. [nhearts] It might also be a good idea to douse her with water to cool her down. She might give you a nasty look when you ruin her hairstyle of the day, but don't worry: she'll thank you in the end!
- Laura
Question from Unloved Banshee  on 10/27/2012 | comment | 10 likes

Dear Laura,
     I am a female Banshee. I'm in love with a male Shee, but he doesn't want anything to do with me. I haven't had any luck with my own kind, either. Does no one love me because I like all types of science and Creatures? Does that Shee dislike me because I'm a Banshee? And finally, do my own kind avoid me because I respect the Shee (not just the one I love, but all of them)?
- Unloved Banshee

Dear Unloved Banshee,
     The Banshee has often been seen as a completely different sort of Shee, with contrasting ideas and goals. The apple of your eye probably is holding onto these notions, which is why he hasn't approached you. Your science skills may come in handy, though! A very mild love potion has been known to work wonders on even the most unwilling lover. Word has it that a piranha egg can be a very potent ingredient, if mixed with volcanic rock, mashed into a powdery paste and left under the moon for two nights. It might also be a good idea to try to win him over on common ground. Try out a conversation all about tea, or even better, brew him a cup! Slip your concoction into a delicious cup of tea and I promise you, he won't be able to resist. [nwink] Pretty soon, you'll be the one trying to get away from him!
- Laura
Question from C. G. A.  on 10/23/2012 | comment | 4 likes

Dear Laura,
     We are a group of Grendels who are very concerned about a recent increase in splicer usage, which we have long been opposed to. Not only is this murder, but it is creating a generation of orphaned creatures! How traumatizing to find out you were created like this. Won't somebody please think of the children! Our letter writing campaign of over 10,000 letters has fallen on deaf ears and we write this to you, with our last pencil, asking desperately for some advice. Sincerely, Concerned Grendels for Albia.
- C. G. A.

Dear C. G. A.,
     It's certainly tragic to see children grow up without their parents to nurture them during those crucial first minutes. [nsad] There are some insensitive Hands out there, many of whom just leave the responsibility of their charges' education to the cold, emotionless learning computers. They don't care about who raises the poor neglected mites, misshapen and confused with their place in the world, only about toying with creation itself. To them, it's fun to play Doctor Frankenshee. [nevil] With so many of the affected having received such a poor upbringing, perhaps the problem you're facing isn't deafness, but poor penmanship? I am confident that if you spare a few moments to teach the orphans how to sharpen a pencil, your campaign will see an increase in support and much better results. Not only will their writing utensils last much longer, but with your shining example to follow, they will surely... write letters.
- Laura
Question from Swimming in Eggs  on 10/19/2012 | 3 comments | 6 likes

Dear Laura,
     I am in an egg-xtremely difficult situation here! The Norns in my world found the Cupid's Lyre and have produced so many eggs that the Meso is full to the brim, and I'm afraid the door will burst open and flood the entire Capillata. Help!
- Swimming in Eggs

Dear Swimming in Eggs,
     Perhaps what you need is a little reptilian intervention; your ship might spontaneously turn into a giant omelette without the proper caution. If you don't mind a little mess, why not invite the local Grendels for an all-you-can-eat buffet? You could even serve some Breaded Hatchling Norns as a side dish to dip in that deliciously runny yolk. [nwink] They've probably been waiting centuries to enjoy such a delicacy, and it seems like your Norns are more than capable of keeping the population afloat! The airlock is another option for your flood of eggs, but why let everything go to waste? While you're at it, make sure to steal the Cupid's Lyre from your bunny rabbit--err, Norns. An egg-splosion like this could very well happen again, and those Grendels might have become sick of a high protein diet by then!
- Laura
Question from Biohazardous Romance  on 10/6/2012 | 2 comments | 2 likes

Dear Laura,
     I am a Toxic Norn and every Norn I fall in love with dies from the toxins in my body! All the others avoid me, and the Hand really hates it when other Toxic Norns attempt to breed with me. I've seen some breeds that I have never seen before around and I can't tell which one is suitable for my special needs. Do you know of any other toxic breeds I can crossbreed with?
- Biohazardous Romance

Dear Biohazardous Romance,
     What a terrible Hand! If it had a brain located somewhere in those spindly fingers, it would know that Toxic Norns are a unique breed. It must be awkward trying to associate with other breeds, when you're mostly known for your kiss of death! [nsad] You could take a dip in an antibacterial spray bath before stepping near the other Norns, but I've heard that it burns nostrils and leaves a most decidedly unromantic odour. Although the Hand may object, I believe that fellow Toxic Norns are your best bet for true love and togetherness. In fact, they'll probably enjoy a shared love of your germs! Failing that, the toxins and bacteria that have made your body their home will love you unconditionally until the day you die! And even then, they may love you even more when you turn into a delectable piece of detritus. [nwink]
- Laura
Question from Farmer Gnash  on 9/29/2012 | comment | 2 likes

Dear Laura,
     Gnash saw Norns with Grazer Farm. Gnash stole Grazers with making farm idea also. Gnash graaah hungry sometimes... Grazer go missing a lot. What Gnash doing wrong? Gnash want big Grazer farm like Norns have. Gnash want to farm dairy Grazers and sell milk. Laura help Gnash?
- Farmer Gnash

Dear Farmer Gnash,
     Unfortunately, Grazers prefer the open sunny meadows or the gentle shade of the large trees in the Norn Terrarium. The hot, moist and dark jungle is not a fun place for a Grazer to be. Especially since there's no grass for them to eat! If you want to start a grazer farm, you'll have to find a spot with plenty of healthy green grass, lots of space and no scary predators! [nscared]
- Laura
Question from Shee in Love  on 9/28/2012 | 1 comment | 3 likes

Dear Laura,
     I've fallen in love with the most beautiful Shee girl, but no matter how many times I've tried to make her notice me, it never works! Do you have the blueprints for a love machine lying around anywhere?
- Shee in Love

Dear Shee in Love,
     Oh my! A Shee asking one of his kind's own creations for help? I feel so honoured! [nblush] Sadly, I know nothing about blueprints! Everything we little Norns know about love is what we learned from you and the Hands! Have you tried tickling her or giving her nice piece of cheese?
- Laura
Question from Very Hungry Norn  on 9/10/2012 | 3 comments | 1 like

Dear Laura,
     Help! I'm one of fifty Norns on the Shee Ark, and we have run out of food! Everything is gone! The cheese, carrots, seeds... Everything! What should we do? We are all starting to get very hungry!
- Very Hungry Norn

Dear Very Hungry Norn,
     Why, my dear Very Hungry Norn, have you not noticed the large machines that are positioned directly above the abandoned food? It appears you have overlooked the very items you were looking for. There are a number of 'machines' of sorts all around the Ark, for carrots, seeds, cheese and much more. I'd recommend you start pressing some buttons and see what new wonders you can unlock!
- Laura

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