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Question from Injured Hand  on 4/1/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I have a problem with my Norns, they keep on saying "eat hand" and then I find a bite taken out of me! They won't stop. Please help me fend them off. :'(
- Injured Hand

Dear Injured Hand,
     Aw, it appears to me that your baby Norns have reached the teething stage! How sweet. Although, I would've thought that a teething toy COB would've been sufficient enough, but whatever floats their boat. You might taste nice. ;) However, if it does get too much to handle, or if you run out of bandages, you could always cover yourself with extra hot chili sauce; they'd soon stop gnawing on you then!
- Laura
Question from K'aeloree  on 4/1/2005 | 1 comment

Dear Laura,
     My Norn, Tiffy, is absolutely in awe of you. She wants your autograph. Do you sign autographs? It would make her really happy. :)
- K'aeloree

Dear K'aeloree,
     It would be my pleasure! I'm glad she enjoys the column. :) Here you go Tiffy, signed with my warm, good wishes. Signed:
- Laura
Question from Sim Freak  on 4/1/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I was wondering if you could tell me why my little sister has adopted a baby Norn, and now insists it is her real life child! She bought a doll for it and a pram; are the Norns trying to break out of the computer and rule the world? Or is it just female broodiness... At the age of seven?
- Sim Freak

Dear Sim Freak,
     Well, this has happened before; Norns make women broody prematurely. I wouldn't worry too much, although you might want to watch her around small children, she might want to take them home. I'm afraid you are correct. The Norns have been plotting for World Domination since Creatures 1. There is no hope for lesser morals. As a safety precaution, you'll need to uninstall your Creatures game immediately and destroy any exports you have, or risk them spreading over the internet and causing the world's demise as we know it. :(
- Laura
Question from Hungry In Albia  on 3/31/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     Is it OK to eat your siblings as long as they've not hatched yet?
- Hungry In Albia

Dear Hungry In Albia,
     That really depends on whether you serve them poached or boiled.
- Laura
Question from K'aeloree  on 3/30/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     How do I deal with adolescent male Norns fighting? I have a bunch of them at the moment, and they can't stop hitting each other. At school the boys do the same thing. I think it's entirely stupid, but they obviously don't. Is there any
way to cure them of the terrible thing called 'Adolescence', or at least stop them from hitting each other? I want my loveable Norns back!
- K'aeloree

Dear K'aeloree,
     Adolescent Norns will act like adolescents funnily enough, especially during the mating season. You'll often find that the feisty, young male Norns will fight before and during this time, day after day, occasionally or continuously sparing with their neighbours until one of the dominants emerges triumphant. There's nothing you can do about this, except referee the situation. Don't worry, soon they'll be back to their old ways; trying to swim in the ocean, eating "bad critters" and "weeds", knocking into walls, driving too fast in the cable car and jumping up and down in the creaky old lifts. ;)
- Laura
Question from Crazed Killer  on 3/29/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I keep murdering any Norns that say "flub dis". What should I do?
- Crazed Killer

Dear Crazed Killer,
     This is getting repetitive. You're just as bad as Cheese Burger! :| Read my response to his/her question below.
- Laura
Question from Cheese Burger  on 3/29/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I killed the Norns that wouldn't talk to me. Was that the right thing to do?
- Cheese Burger

Dear Cheese Burger,
     Repeat after me, "Ruthless violence is not the answer, I am a cold-blooded killer." Keep telling yourself that every morning and you'll soon be able to resist the temptation and realise that killing Norns on impulse is a very silly thing to do. ;) I also suggest that you join a support group such as C.A.N.A., ('Creatures Against Norn Abuse') to help you overcome your problems with brutality.
- Laura
Question from Cheese Burger  on 3/28/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I hit my Norn to death and now the other ones won't talk to me... What do I do?
- Cheese Burger

Dear Cheese Burger,
     Well you can hardly blame them for getting just a tad tetchy with you. :| I mean, you have just mercilessly killed one of their friends... Figures, no? If I were you, I'd leave Albia right away. It's the kindest thing to do under the circumstances.
- Laura
Question from K'aeloree  on 3/28/2005 | comment

Dear Laura,
     My Norn seems to be suicidally inclined, and I don't know what to do with her. She has tried to drown herself in the Aquatic Terrarium, tried to set herself alight using the hot rocks from the volcano, and often starves herself. Her mate is completely distraught, and I can't make him happy. Please, what should I do?
- K'aeloree

Dear K'aeloree,
     The only way to deal with your Norns' emotional state is to encourage her to face her inner demons. It's the only way, believe me. Perhaps she is going through a midlife crisis of sorts? Or perhaps she is simply depressed. Keep her away from sharp rocks and other sharp objects, try to stop her from walking off edges and keep her away from as much harm as possible. Do not let her stray from your sight. Anyhow, this gift basket of Easter Eggs might cheer both her and her mate up!
- Laura
Question from Raura's Daddy  on 8/31/2004 | comment

Dear Laura,
     I have two Norns, one is really old now and is called Alan Rickman and one is a teenager called Raura. The problem I have got is that Raura keeps on following Alan and wants to have his babies. Seeing that Alan is about 125 years old, surely this is a bit weird and very sad. What can I do to stop this and how can I make Raura like Norns her own age and stop fancying old git Norns?
- Raura's Daddy

Dear Raura's Daddy,
     Firstly, you must realise that "old git Norns" as you so eloquently put it, have higher sex drives than normal males. This makes them understandably more desirable to female Norns of a younger generation. Secondly, an average Norn's lifespan can in fact, vary from up to ten hours, not 125 years. Raura obviously has an acquired taste for the more mature male; a welcome change from some of the other Norns she must know. You know? The ones who act like their shoe size and not like their age. In order to stop Raura liking Norns that are so much older than her, Alan will have to go through a long mating process with her, after which she will be too star-struck to do anything. You will just have to sit back and watch it happen, begrudgingly. I'm sure she will quite happily repay your act of concern for her, with a swift kick up the backside for mentioning this most embarrassing and personal dilemma publicly, once she's read this response.

To my loyal readers: Yes, that was actually my father submitting that question. Everybody laugh at him! :P
- Laura

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