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Question From Grendels Hate Me
Submitted on 10/7/2005
Dear Laura,
     My Grendels don't like me, I don't know why. I feed them, pet them and treat them with love but they won't love me back. Then I'm forced to beat them into the piranha pool for not loving me. What should I do?
- Grendels Hate Me

Dear Grendels Hate Me,
     Grendels aren't used to being petted as your Norns are, because let's face it; a slap is a sign of affection amongst their species. You really shouldn't punish your Grendels for not loving you either; it just isn't in their nature for them to respond to affection in a Nornish way. Saying that, you still need to care for them, but if you try to care for them as if they're Norns, they won't take you seriously. Of course, they are rougher than the Norns, but if you treat them correctly, they will respond with their own Grendel-like affections. In order win their respect back, you could always supply them with a Beowulf Norn piñata that they can hit at will with sticks, I'm sure that's something that they will appreciate. ;)
- Laura
Question From Guybrush
Submitted on 10/6/2005
Dear Laura,
     I am a Norn that has recently been adopted by a secretive hand... My old owner had many many Norns, but my current hand has only me. Sometimes it leaves me alone for ages, but has forbade me from touching the infirmary door. Of course, one day my curiosity got the better of me and I went in... My new hand is a Norn Torturer! There were hundreds of statue bodies... Eem extrmely scared! What should I do? :o
- Guybrush

Dear Guybrush,
     I hear that 'Arsenic' has an interesting effect on enzymes and that protein-rich beings like the hand have a severe weakness in this area. Why don't you slip some into its morning coffee?
- Laura
Question From Bamboozled Hand
Submitted on 9/27/2005
Dear Laura,
     I'm afraid my newly adolescent male Norn has an annoying habit of oversleeping! He won't wake up before lunchtime, and even then he isn't as active as my other Norns. How can I help him?
- Bamboozled Hand

Dear Bamboozled Hand,
     I've come across this problem many, many times in my years of studying Norn Psychology, and I've come to the conclusion that adolescent Norns need a lot more sleep in general than the others, especially after a heavy night at the Hooch still. ;) Why don't you agree on a "wake up" time he adheres to on school days, to keep his attendance levels good, and let him sleep in on other days?
- Laura
Question From Curious about Norns
Submitted on 9/23/2005
Dear Laura,
     Why were the Norns made? What happens when they die? Is there a Norn after-life for good Norn girls and boys?
- Curious about Norns

Dear Curious about Norns,
     Maybe the Norns were created because Steve Grand was bored one day and wanted something to do? I don't know. After death, had the Norn in question obeyed the hand unquestionably, spoken only when spoken to, played kindly with all distant relations, and finally went swimming in the piranha pool when instructed, they get to sent to Silicon Heaven, a haven where one (according to some Greek Norn philosophers) can enjoy eating all the cheese and honey one likes. There is no sickness there, nor Grendels. On the other hand, if the Norn in question was bad, well... Let's just say death is a little less enjoyable. Some also say that there is nothing after death, but then, where would all the calculators go?
- Laura
Question From Bamboozled Hand
Submitted on 9/22/2005
Dear Laura,
     One of my Nornettes doesn't want to go to bed when I say "Bed!" I'm concerned for her health, and the next day, she's listless until she gets her cuppa. I know kids will be kids, but it's somewhat ridiculous! What can I do? (Besides administering a knockout serum).
- Bamboozled Hand

Dear Bamboozled Hand,
     Well, obviously your Nornette has been on the 'net' in the wee hours of the morning. Perhaps an Internet addiction is the problem here. Get her out, put her in the Basketball team at Norn-school, and see if there are any changes. I, uh, can't speak from experience at all - of course, I'm always out, uh, playing, um, sport and stuff.
- Laura
Question From Yendred
Submitted on 9/22/2005
Dear Laura,
     I'm a Norn scientist and I've come across something unusual. My research team and I have been making a 1DWORLD simulation on the learning computer in our spare time. However, the 1DWORLD program has tapped into a truly 1D universe! Art, culture, history, science, it's all there... I don't think Albia's ready for this. Can you help me work out how to break the news and protect the 1Dians?
- Yendred

Dear Yendred,
     It seems that you have discovered some of the joys we once discovered in playing with your world, Albia. And, like us, you will make similar mistakes - you will seek to exploit 1DWORLD, and use it to your advantage. You will soon know the pain, and fear we once knew, but no more. We befriended the likes of you, and we now live in peace and harmony in C12DS, creating new worlds for you to you to explore and delight in. Norn Society will go through many changes, including the loss of small birds. Small birds will flock to the computers that access 1DWorld, and will stay there, staring at the screen, as though entranced by the movements of the creatures within. But do not be afraid! Soon larger birds will take the places the small birds once had. Chaos will ensue the loss of the small birds - scientists, obsessed by the idea of other life, will work night and day to communicate with the string-like 1Dians, to no avail. To add to the insanity, priests will step forward and say 1DWORLD is the work of the Devil, and try to do everything in their power to eradicate it. Yeah... Just think about that!
- Laura
Question From Krabby the Crobster
Submitted on 9/22/2005
Dear Laura,
     I'm a humble Crobster. The Hand keeps talking about something called the "Bioenergy Machine"... Should I be worried?
- Krabby the Crobster

Dear Krabby the Crobster,
     Oh look! A convenient distraction! ... Krabby, I want you to very s-l-o-w-l-y scuttle away... Scuttle away s-l-o-w-l-y Krabby, and don't look back!
- Laura
Question From Spookbeard the Pirate
Submitted on 9/18/2005
Dear Laura,
     Arr, so there I was, sailin' the brisk n' dangerous Strait o' Darkness. Me n' me mateys were up wit' the riggin' n' not a should but I was down on the main deck keeping things ship shape. All o' a sudden we hit a big uprift, n' me and our ship's hull buckled somethin' fierce. What can I do teh save me an' me hearty crew?
- Spookbeard the Pirate

Dear Spookbeard the Pirate,
     Arr, me jolly lad. 'Tis a problem ye and your hearties got yeh selfs into indeed. Me main thought be this: Swim! Avoid these 'ere sharks, and mind the Sirens (they lure a man somethin' fierce, aye). Arr, one more thing ye should know - yer hearty crew all be damned, so save yer own skin, be a real scallywag me laddie!
- Laura
Question From Annie
Submitted on 9/18/2005
Dear Laura,
     I'm worried about my hand. She used to call herself kelseykatking and be normal, but now she calls herself Wolfie and when she gets hyper, (which is often) she calls herself "The Demon Wolfie". She's still nice and motherly to me and the other Norns, but she thinks she's part wolf.
- Annie

Dear Annie,
     My only advice is that, on a full moon, stay away from "The demon Wolfie". From the sounds of it, things could get nasty, and I unfortunately do not know the number for a decent exorcist...
- Laura
Question From CatsNorn
Submitted on 9/14/2005
Dear Laura,
     I was walking around the the Shee star-ship with my cat the other day, and my cat ran up a tree. Now I can't get her down. I tried contacting the hand about it, but I havent seen him in days. Do you know how I could get the cat down myself?
- CatsNorn

Dear CatsNorn,
     Try putting food at the bottom of the tree to tempt her, perhaps a nice juicy Stickletrout. She'll come down when she's hungry I'm sure.
- Laura
Question From Cornelius
Submitted on 9/13/2005
Dear Laura,
     My name is Cornelius and I run the 'Cornelius Cares' section of the EC website. Lately I've been having trouble answering questions. Mainly because of a distinct lack of them. How do you get so many questions, and find the time to answer them?
Yours between deaths,
- Cornelius

Dear Cornelius,
     It took awhile for "Ask Laura" to get this popular, and even now it still has its quiet times. I don't know how I get so many questions really, there's a lot of needy Creatures players out there and it also helps that the column is featured on a popular sub-community. Remember, Creatures Caves has been around a lot longer than the EC website has, it just takes time. Perhaps not everybody is depressed enough to write to you with their tales of woe? Or perhaps your advertisement campaign is in need of a revamp. I can usually find the time to answer all the questions easily enough. That and I have a helpful bunch of magical Doozers at my disposal. If you want some serious flair, malevolent goblin minions should do the trick - every columnist needs an accessory. :D
- Laura
Question From PF
Submitted on 9/12/2005
Dear Laura,
     I'm writing this on the behalf of an idiot. My friend Homer took your advice a little too seriously. To make up for the lack of stars shining in his eyes (last night being so cloudy and all), he decided it would be brilliant to supplement the shine with a conventient glitter COB. Glue may have been involved. How long should I let him suffer for his stupidity? The blind bumbling is entertaining, but I'm not sure I feel up to diving after him if he stumbles head-first off the docks.
- PF

Dear PF,
     He now knows what the phrase "a sight for sore eyes" means. You should let him suffer for 21 days, exactly. During this time, you should tie him to a chair and poke him with sticks of varying materials. They have to be different materials because otherwise he'll think he's just being poked with the same thing. After 21 days he should be magically cured, and you should wag your finger at him for being so silly. However, deny all knowledge of poking him. :D
- Laura
Question From Heidi
Submitted on 9/12/2005
Dear Laura,
     I have responsibilities to my mum and my dad to pick carrots for harvest, but my friends want me to go with them to the Hooch still and rave with them... They've even got some fairy lights strung up. It's slightly tempting, but I don't want to starve when the snowstorms come! Can you please help me work out how to balance my duties and my play?
- Heidi

Dear Heidi,
     Well, you're now faced with two choices: Either disobey your parents and run the risk of not having enough to eat in the harsh winter months, or go out and get alcohol poisoning. In all honesty, this whole situation seems highly risque. I mean, how do you know that you're not falling into the wrong crowd here? Whilst getting extremely drunk at your young age sounds very tempting, it's not exactly a great way to win friends and influence people... You don't know what kind of trouble these "friends" could get you into. Would it be really worth it? :\ You sound like an intelligent girl with a sensible, upright character, it would be a shame for that to be tainted under peer pressure. I think you should go with your gut instinct and stay at home to collect the harvest, though it's ultimately up to you at the end of the day. However, I know you'll make the right decision.
- Laura
Question From Anduin
Submitted on 9/11/2005
Dear Laura,
     Will there ever be a day where you can take a vacation from thinking and let those of us that dwell in JRChat can come out of the shadows and answer all your questions for you? It would be very educational for sure. >=)
- Anduin

Dear Anduin,
     "Educational" you say? That's what I'm becoming increasingly wary of. :P Should I really subject my poor, naïve readers to the rabble that is the JRC, who have a imfamous reputation for being a little left of the stable? How do I know you won't warp and corrupt their minds? Before long they'll be opening ziplock bags of fate and eating a lot of apples, for fear of perishing monsters that don't exist. And are you lot really "qualified" enough to take on my role? Not many people have PhD's in Norn Psychology you know and it takes more than a truck-load of smelling salts, an elephant gun and a large dose of hindsight to get through the day. ;) ... I'm just kidding, I think that it's a great idea! Maybe it could be a one-day feature on Creatures Caves or something. Let's ask Rascii very nicely and see what he says.
- Laura
Question From Not Malkin
Submitted on 9/11/2005
Dear Laura,
     I'm writing on behalf of a friend of a friend of a friend, who is really confused - What do guy Norns like in a girl?
- Not Malkin

Dear Not Malkin,
     Preferably to a male, she should be bright-eyed and bushy tailed... Oh, and she must have healthy pink ears too, that is essential. A display of good housewifery wouldn't go amiss either. The female should strive to make her corner of the Capillata more homely, whilst being a mistress of the culinary arts, and of course giving undivided care and attention towards her mate. A practical way of doing this would be to greet the male with home-made Cheesecake after a hard day in the lifts... Wearing nothing but a smile... For as I mentioned earlier, all Norns are philosophically opposed to clothes! ;)
- Laura

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