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View Details (5)
Ghosthande RavenFire Zombiemold
Laura
Moe| Agony Aunt Advice Column | |
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| Dear Laura, I did what you said and gave kelseykatking frozen worm-meal, but she likes worms... She thawed them out and set them free. - Alicia Dear Alicia, Oh, that's very insufficient! Give her frozen spaghetti-meal, you know, the kind that half-hearted mothers feed their Nornlings. It's irresistibly tempting and you'll find that she won't be able to set these ones free either. Well... She could, but they wouldn't go anywhere.  - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, The other day, I was walking with a friend of mine in the Norn Terrarium, and I suddenly noticed how attractive he was. Am I gay? Since then, I've developed a crush on him, I think... All I can think about is kissing him. I'm really confused, and frightened to tell him because I think he'll reject me. Please help! - Reyan Dear Reyan, I've heard that same-sex attractions or "hero worship" can just be part of growing up, a normal phase. In my experience, being in love, which very is different to falling in love, doesn't depend on anything but the personality of the one you adore. It can be quite natural for you and your fellow Norns to feel affection for one another, since you've probably never been more than 30 centimetres apart from each other your whole lives, if that far. I'd recommend that before you do anything, accept that it could either be true love, or a red herring, a feeling that will pass and fade, but is no less potent for the meantime. Regardless, I wish you the best of luck in your pursuits.  - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, What do female Norns find attractive in a male? I'm asking on the behalf of a friend of a friend of a friend. - Not Homer Dear Not Homer, Well, as you're asking on the behalf of a friend of a friend of a friend, Not Homer, I shall, once only, reveal what all female Norns want in a male Norn. Naturally, his eyes must shine, as though the stars themselves have alighted within, and they must glow with love and understanding during those long, lovely calf-eyed stares that are frequently exchanged. But a hint of mischief hidden within is needed, for who would want to live a life of boredom? His fur must be well-groomed, to add to his devilish handsomeness. It must also gleam with vibrant health like a stallion's, not too long and not too short. If it’s too long, he will be fighting you for the mirror every morning and that is not the behaviour expected of a perfect suitor. He should know when to be chivalrous, and protect his mate and children with his life when neccessary. He must also know where his responsibilities lie, and express his eternal love to you in a thousand ways each day, without fail. So, go forth and find the Norn of your dreams, then invite me to the wedding. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, I'm a Norn and I was tortured to near-death because my previous hand put weird toxins in me at the medical bay and then put me up for adoption. A nice hand named kelseykatking adopted me and I don't know if I can trust her. Should I trust her or not? - Alicia Dear Alicia, Definately not. Her name doesn't have capitals, which you should know by now is absolute taboo in Norn adoption. Try feeding her frozen worm meal and she may come around and add capitals to her name, but if she doesn't... I'd suggest staying out of sight, slowly destroying the computer from the inside. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Now that I'm immortal, what should I do? I won't die accept for toxins or diseases, and every half hour I get a check up so that won't happen. What should I do? - Sarah Dear Sarah, Seize the day and live life to the full! Indulge yourself in something that every Norn secretly dreams of doing: Go swimming in the piranha pool, play in the airlock or do a spot of Grendel baiting. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Today in the Norn Meso, I was like, y'know, hanging out with all my friends and we were eating like carrots, or whatever, and this dishy male Norn said, like, "Eem like Kelly", and I *so* didn't know what to say! Like, I do like him, but I wasn't really sure if I *like* like him, like in a friendly way, if you know what I'm saying? So anyways, I said "Kelly like Eem", and he giggled, and ran away. But now I'm thinking that I *do* *like* like him, and I haven't seen him in positively *minutes* and I don't know what he's thinking! I'm worried that I've made an idiot of myself again.  Please help me!- Kelly Frustrated in Love Dear Kelly Frustrated in Love, Well you need to go and, like, tell him you like him. And then, like, kiss-pop his brains out. Then have oodles of little Norns and Nornettes, they're, like, so adorable! - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, I am a foot who wants to write with your pen, but I have no toes! I feel so useless having a hand write this letter for me. How can I grow my toes back? - Shadow Ralts Dear Shadow Ralts, How did you get a hand to write it for you? You are merely a simple toeless foot, not a mouth... Regretfully, the Ask Laura™ range does not cater for your needs at present. However, we currently have a version of the pen in development that acts through mind control, though unfortunately testing has not gone too well. Several of our Treehuggers have ended up in hospital suffering from third-degree jabs, it's a very serious business... Coming soon to a screen near you! Perhaps.  By the way, I wouldn't suggest sitting in a vat of "Insta-Grow", you may turn a nice shade of green.- Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Nya extwemly fwendly. Nya find Grendel attractive. Nya push Grendel. Grendel hit Nya. Nya feel pain. Nya still fwendly. Nya push Ettin. Ettin hit Nya. Nya sad. Nya wite extwemly lung ledder. - Nya Dear Nya, Stop it with your unwanted advances and they should stop hitting you. Interspecies romance is a fine thing, but sometimes dating within your own species can solve many problems, like the Grendel's pesky instinct to "hit Norn" or the Ettin's instinct to make off with your finest jewellery. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, If a tree falls in the forest and there are no Norns around to hear it, do the Treehuggers still know? - Syrra Dear Syrra, Oh yes, definitely, simply because we're Treehuggers. Together we are truly one with the trees. We can feel tree sap running like blood through our veins, chlorophyll is implanted in our skin and wood shavings are scattered in amongst our fur. It is also little-known knowledge that a Treehugger can often be found in the dark tranquil of night, nurturing a lone sapling whilst listening to its innermost secrets and tales of woe. This grants clarity and an unspoken understanding with all trees... Yes, the wonders of nature certainly lie deep within our hearts and in our souls. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, I have a friend who is ill, and I want to do something to help her feel better. All the other Norns say I'm crazy for wanting to look out for her until she feels better and happy again. Is there anything I can do to help my friend? - Ching-pah Dear Ching-pah, You seem to be unique amongst your fellows, Ching-pah, with a kind and compassionate heart to boot. That's a good quality which can rarely be found amongst Norn society today – nowadays it's more individualistic. So just disregard what the others say and play at being Chris the Hand Norn for awhile. I'm sure your friend would appreciate some good company to lift her spirits whilst she's recovering, and some Chicken Soup to help her get her strength back. She'll feel better in no time, and have you to thank for it. Funnily enough, I am currently sick with much the same affliction and will have to go on sick leave - please don't suffer from any crises whilst I'm gone!- Laura |
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| Dear Laura, My C1 Norns, Gurgi, Peter and Georgie, have been making small "territories"... When a female enters, they kiss her until she's pregnant, and if a male comes in, they smack it until it leaves! They've already killed one Norn, and I have three Norns on the Island just to keep them safe until their life forces are higher, all because of them! What can I do? - Kelseykatking Dear Kelseykatking, This display of male orientated behaviour is the norm during the mating season. There's nothing you can do about it either, except oversee the situation with a cattle prod... And anyway, what's wrong with letting the other Norns inhabit the island for a little while? I'm sure they'd appreciate a holiday in the sun, don't be selfish. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, My favorite C1 Norn, Sakuria, has been hogging all the food and the other Norns are always hungry! What can I do so that the other Norns have food besides exporting her? - Kelseykatking Dear Kelseykatking, Teach her a lesson in sharing by suspending her in the cage at meal times whilst the other Norns eat their food. Then, once they've had their share, set her free so she can eat hers. Repeat the process until the lesson is learnt.  - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, I have two Norns that used to be best friends, but they got into a fight over one of them using the other's toothbrush. I didn't even know that Norns had teeth! I feel like I can't really help them patch it up, because I'm an outsider to Norn society. Can you please give me a hint on how to help these two friends reconcile? - Bamboozled Hand Dear Bamboozled Hand, Give the other Norn a toothbrush of his own? A novelty one that lights up and plays a merry tune whilst he brushes his teeth. On second thought, you'd better give them both a novelty toothbrush, we don't want any jealousy. Hopefully, that should divert them from any further arguments. Norns can be so fickle sometimes, yet easily bribed too... - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, I live in the C1 Albia, and recently the Hand has been very good to us in the way of COBs. Life has been lazy and slow - a change from running scared of the Grendel! One day, I was going about my business, and I noticed a strange egg in the sky... For some reason, I can't get it out of my head, and all I want to do is join with it. The Hand doesn't understand me any more - It wants me to do petty things like "push food". How can I explain to it that all I want is up there in that egg? - Ashling Dear Ashling, Why don't you start an alternative Norn cult, say, "Eggism"? You and your fellow "Eggists" could be shamelessly brainwashed into thinking that the "Great Egg One", (or in Nornish, "Gah Geg No") is even more higher and mightier than the Lone Shee himself! Your daily routine would include pledging allegiance to "Gah Geg No" morning, evening and before and after meals, momentous sacrifices of cheese and singing bleak, dreary songs of worship around the lighthouse. Your life would be one of servitude and oppression and your Hand would be powerless to intervene - for remember, "Gah Geg No's" authority overrules all! - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, I've gone insane! I downloaded the Terra metaroom and made a farm there with every critter possible! I even downloaded Tails from Albian Oceans and they play with the Jigglypuffs to keep them happy, swim with the Zoras, push the Easter Bunnies so the Norns in the Meso have eggs, and even fly with the flying critters! Is there a cure for such insaneness? - Kelseykatking Dear Kelseykatking, You can never have too many critters I say. But they do sound like a lot of disorderly louts. Why not use them to your advantage? Enrole them in miltary school and train them to be your very own troop of well disciplined helpful boy scouts! ... Or critters, in your case.- Laura |
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