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Question From The Chef Hand
Submitted on 7/23/2010
Dear Laura,
     My Norns have been becoming very fussy eaters lately, and refuse to eat anything I feed them. Do you have any good recipes I could try out?
- The Chef Hand

Dear The Chef Hand,
     Your Norns really ought to get used to all their food available for a healthy diet. Try preparing meals more suitable for their mental age. Something as simple as arranging their meals into fun shapes, like a face with a carrot smile and a cheese nose, should be enough to tempt them. If you want to experiment with your culinary skills for a more suitable audience, then why not invite a few fellow Hands round for a dinner party? I'm sure you'll find that your guests will appreciate your menu more.
- Laura
Question From Hacker Norn
Submitted on 7/22/2010
Dear Laura,
     This may seem a bit stupid, but would it be possible to somehow "hack" the Learning Computer? I'm planning on changing all of the words to curse words as a way of getting back at the Hand for locking me in the airlock! I can't wait till I see his face (hand?) when all of the baby Norns are walking about saying curse words! Can you provide me with step-by-step instructions please?
- Hacker Norn

Dear Hacker Norn,
     Perhaps it was behaviour like this that got you confined to the airlock in the first place. If you continue acting up the punishments are going to get harsher and harsher, as the Hand tries to find a level of punishment suitable to dissuade you from misbehaving. It might be wise to realise the Hand has your best interests at heart, before you wind up being shipped off to live with the like-minded Sailor Norns. This may sound like a holiday to you now, but you’ll soon live to regret it when these scurvy dogs realise what a "lily livered sprog" you are, and turn you into their slave. Before long they’ll be swearing at you to swab the desks, or to hoist the main sails in a torrential storm. Quietly playing with toys and eating carrots in the Norn Terrarium will have never seemed so good. ;)
- Laura
Question From Sad Hand
Submitted on 7/22/2010
Dear Laura,
     Please! Help! My Norns are eating nothing but seeds, they are able to move their hair up and down, they are building nests from grass, and they are laying eggs without mating!
- Sad Hand

Dear Sad Hand,
     Your Norns have obviously become avid twitchers, converting the Norn Terrarium into an aviary. I’m afraid that drastic measures are called for, as this fixation is far too advanced. To rattle this gigantic bird cage, introduce them all to the Neko Ettins. Their feline features should cure your Norn’s obsession with our feathered friends... And watch out for any unexpected 'missiles' from above; cats scare birds. :P
- Laura
Question From Little Norn
Submitted on 7/21/2010
Dear Laura,
     Eem kant spik Inglish veri well. Hand is sad bekoz eem kant say some words. Me feel engri. Is there any way to learn Inglish fast? Eem hope you un... unde... underst... understand my problem.
- Little Norn

Dear Little Norn,
     No wonder you're struggling to learn English! The Learning Computer appears to be infected with a nasty virus, one that's corrupting the vocabulary files. The Hand just needs to install some 'Anti-Virus Grendel' (AVG) software on it and you'll soon be speaking the lingo like a pro. I'd recommend calling out an Ettin to help with the installation though, as it might prove to be a little technical.
- Laura
Question From Worried Mother
Submitted on 7/20/2010
Dear Laura,
     One of my male Norns, Freddie, has been acting rather bizarre lately. He keeps talking in a rather posh tone of voice, but I have also noticed that he seems to be spending a lot of time with a group of other male Norns, and has keeps trying to Kisspop with them! I have also attempted breeding him with a female, but he just wasn't interested, and just went off to join this little "club". What's going on here? I really need your advice Laura!
- Worried Mother

Dear Worried Mother,
     Congratulations, it seems you have your first Gay son. Chances are he will never breed, but that shouldn't worry you! You'll have so many other grandchildren scampering around, after a couple of generations, that you won't know what to do with them anyway.
- Laura
Question From The Shee
Submitted on 7/20/2010
Dear Laura,
     Here's an interesting fact. The Hands were created by us and if I, the Shee leader, press one button, they will all disappear permanently. And you'd have to find food for yourself and the Hands would never be able to feed you a single peeled grape again. So please get us out of here, because I already never want to see cheese again! So will you?
- The Shee

Dear The Shee,
     Here's another interesting fact. The real Shee would never claim to have created the Hands. They probably don't even know of their existence and are too kind, and intelligent, to ever resort to such silly threats. If you claim to be as powerful as you say you are, then using one of your magic buttons to escape should be no problem for you. ;) But you're probably just a Cheese Banshee, trying to escape from the cheesier dimension. We know your kind...
- Laura
Question From a Norn
Submitted on 7/19/2010
Dear Laura,
     I stubbed my toe and it hurts! Now what?
- a Norn

Dear a Norn,
     Amputate.
- Laura
Question From The Shee
Submitted on 7/19/2010
Dear Laura,
     Ah, a Norn intelligent enough to be an Agony Aunt! At last! Now, we made it back to the Ark but... in a dimension in which it is filled up with cows and cheese! And it is connected to your cheese vendors! So... you, Laura, can be the one who brings the Shee back! But do you feel up to it? To get us back, you will need: A screwdriver agent and access to the Ettin community. First, ask an Ettin for a 'Teleport Ability Enhancer'. If they ask for something in return, and you can pay them it, then do just that. If not, then say you will, then when they lead you to it, swipe it and run! If they catch you, hire a Grendel and tell the Grendel where it is. When you have the 'Teleport Ability Enhancer', head to the cheese vendor nearest the Norn Terrarium. Take it apart. Then, put the T.A.E in the section labelled 'Transfer' by tying it with the blue and red wires. Then put the vendor back together without the bit the cheese comes out of, which must be replaced with a two-meter version. Can you do this? Please place this on the advice column as we would be honoured if you did.
- The Shee

Dear The Shee,
     I am terribly sorry, good sirs, but we Norns are too busy enjoying our freedom, roaming around the Ark and being fed peeled grapes by the Hands to worry about such trivialities. I'm sure you'll be just fine in the cheese dimension eating nothing but cheese. After all, it is what you have been feeding us Norns our entire lives. It shouldn't be too hard for your enormous intellect (thank you for OHSS by the way) to figure out your own way home. Good Luck!
- Laura
Question From Concerned Norn
Submitted on 7/18/2010
Dear Laura,
     The Hand has been spending A LOT of time with the Toxic Norns, and the Plague Norns, in the Garbage Dump. It still checks on everyone else, but it's mostly spending it's time in the Garbage Dump! Is it healthy for the Hand? I worry because the Hand has been playing with them so much, and the Hand recently put in a Radiation Emitter! I don't want to grow 20 feet tall and turn into a moth!
- Concerned Norn

Dear Concerned Norn,
     Although the Toxic Norns and the Plague Ettins are notoriously contagious, and even though you may have to hold your nose whenever the smell of chemicals wafts past, they still need a lot of attention from the Hand, as they’re more prone to eating something healthy and getting ill. The Hand is immune to disease, but it really should wear a protective rubber glove during its excursions, and scrub itself thoroughly after handling anything toxic. After all, we don't want any germs to spread, and green muck stains can be a real nightmare to wash out, once they get onto your fur. I’d also recommend that the Hand keeps its "toys" strictly inside the Garbage Dump, just in case you do sprout giant wings!
- Laura
Question From Sad Angry Norn
Submitted on 7/18/2010
Dear Laura,
     I fell in love with a Norn named Toxic, and then he kissed another girl Norn! He broke my heart and I slapped him a lot. I've now met another nice Norn, who is half Grendel. Who should I choose? Please help.
- Sad Angry Norn

Dear Sad Angry Norn,
     If Toxic is going to stray then he isn't worth your time. Your new Grenorn boyfriend might not be quite Mr. Right either, but who says a Norn can't have a little fun with a dashing hunk while she's still young? ;) I’m sure that the Norn Terrarium, under the watchful eye of the other Norns, would be the ideal setting for a first date. Maybe you could take a romantic ride in the lifts together. However, decline the invite if he wants to take you back to the Jungle Terrarium to "meet the family"!
- Laura
Question From Mary Sue
Submitted on 7/14/2010
Dear Laura,
     Life isn't fair! I've beaten back every Grendel I've ever met, have formed a strong alliance with the Ettins so they'd stop stealing the machinery in the Norn Terrarium, kept the Shee Ark from crashing into the sun, and every creature loves and worships me, but my terribly terrible past has made it impossible to enjoy any of that! I might be a piano virtuoso who can play the keys with my mind, while building amazing machines that just make life better and better, yet I never have time to be a show off because I'm always annoying everyone with my whining and complaining. How can I forget my horrible past so I can be perfectly perfect and loved by everyone?
- Mary Sue

Dear Mary Sue,
     Perhaps you’ll be happier with life as a secondary character, in this unfortunate piece of fan fiction your Hand has penned. Everyone’s expectations of you won’t be as high, and you won’t be deemed important enough for your terribly terrible past to contribute anything to the story! The first step would be to get kidnapped. Take a leisurely stroll through the Jungle Terrarium and poke the first Grendel you see in the eye. If all goes to plan, you should find yourself suspended in a cage over the piranha pond; I hope you’re good with heights! Then wait patiently for a less-than-perfect Norn to come and steal the spotlight by rescuing you against all odds, in which he’ll learn a lot about himself, his flaws and his hidden strengths.
- Laura
Question From Lelouch Ettin
Submitted on 7/14/2010
Dear Laura,
     I was walking in the garden when suddenly I found myself in a room full of water. There were odd blue Norns floating in the water. What are they? I must find out so that I may tell the Hand.
- Lelouch Ettin

Dear Lelouch Ettin,
     Before you tell the Hand anything the wisest thing to do would be to GET OUT OF THERE, before you meet an unfortunate end at the bottom of the ocean floor! Those "Norns" are also fish. See those red and white striped ones? Those are Clown fish! Those purple floaty things? Aquamites! That brown furry thing? Oh wait. That is a Norn. Whoops.
- Laura
Question From Vatrena
Submitted on 7/14/2010
Dear Laura,
     I am a little Mimikry Norn and I'm writing this in the desert, because my mean owner told me to. I am alone in the desert, and my owner doesn't want to listen to me. Tell me, Laura, why is it so hot in the desert? I saw something shiny and yellow on the sky, what's that and why I can't eat it?
- Vatrena

Dear Vatrena,
     Oh, you poor creature! The Albian desert is no place for a Mimikry Norn. Only Golden Desert Norns, Scorpio Norns, and Ettins are equipped for the heat caused by that shiny yellow thing, and trust me, you wouldn’t want to eat it unless you wanted to lose possession of your tongue. ;) Your owner may seem harsh by making you go into the desert, but perhaps it thought it was time you were dragged away from the computer to broaden your horizons. This could be a great opportunity to explore until it comes to collect you. The temple is one of the most notable landmarks of Albia, and the dead tree you see is actually the old World Tree, Yggdrasil! At the very least either will provide you with a bit of shade, and there are plenty of cactus seeds to snack on should you get peckish. Just be sure to steer clear of that ‘wobbly blue thing’; going for a swim in the ocean to cool off is NOT wise!
- Laura
Question From Tom the Grendel
Submitted on 7/11/2010
Dear Laura,
     Here I was, minding my own business in the Jungle, eating this piece of cheese I found, when suddenly this Norn popped up and stole it! I chased it back to the Norn Terrarium and was crushed by a huge anvil! I tried hitting it with a huge mallet, but that backfired on me, and now I have a huge bump on my head and I am really hungry. Any advice on how to get my cheese back?
- Tom the Grendel

Dear Tom the Grendel,
     If watching cartoons on the Hand’s TV has taught me anything, it’s that unnecessarily elaborate and wacky booby traps are an absolute MUST. Climb to the uppermost level of the Treehouse in the Norn Terrarium, after placing some cheese on the edge of the platform below. Get a long piece of rope and a heavy object like a volcanic rock, or preferably a piano, if you have one, and tie it onto the balcony. Then wait with an axe ready to cut the rope, when the Norn comes along and approaches the bait, squashing it KERSPLAT! Just be careful that the Norn doesn’t pull any tricks and replace the cheese with eggs to lure you under there instead. I am 100% certain that this will not backfire on you, well... at least 99% sure (disclaimer: Ask Laura cannot be held responsible for flattened Grendels) but if this fails, I know an Ettin who’s handing out free pieces of finest mature Cheddar!
- Laura
Question From Etn
Submitted on 7/11/2010
Dear Laura,
     Etn love Hand. How do I get more creatures to vote yes on Prop 35 allowing creature/Hand marriage?
- Etn

Dear Etn,
     Hit the Shee Ark hard and fast with a major, and I mean MAJOR, pamphlet campaign. Persuade – no – TELL your voters to say YES to Prop 35, and let the true love and strength of an inter-species marriage know no bounds! Thrust those pamphlets into their paws if you have to, with perhaps a generous piece of the finest mature Cheddar tactfully interspersed between the pages, as some "encouragement" wouldn’t hurt either. ;)
- Laura

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