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Laura| Agony Aunt Advice Column | |
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| Submit A Question |
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| Dear Laura, Suffering from a bout of 'boredom sickness' as my Hand likes to call it, I accidentally swallowed that green blobby thing from the vendor next to the carrot vendor after it turned into a bramboo berry. Now I don't feel so great... What can I do? Ugh flib gargle...  - Kisabe Sabertooth Dear Kisabe Sabertooth, This reminds me of that Robot Toy incident. If I were you, I'd eat everything in really small bits; like some tiny berries, or some seeds. This way the "green blobby thing" won’t be able to copy anything big and expand in your stomach. As for getting it out of your system, well, time solves everything. I'd also ask the Hand to inject some new, inedible toys to keep you better entertained.  - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, I was walking around Albia to clear my mind and an insane idea hit me! I want to create a device that can open a portal to the Handish world! But it is rumored that attempted entry into the Hand's world could result in death. So I'm in a dilemma - should I pick safety or science? - Thinker Dear Thinker, Please note that the Handish world is known to have three dimensions, as opposed to our two-dimensional world. It would be wise to think of the consequences of send a creature to a world where its organs will have to be contained from all sides, instead of just the left, right, up and down. So in short, just send a Grendel. ![[devil]](http://creaturescaves.com/images/smilies/devil.gif) - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, The Hand has locked a Grendel named Cake in the air lock for smacking Norns. Do you think the Hand should fire Cake out of the air lock, or should it forgive him? - Chilly Dear Chilly, Cake is just acting true to his Grendel instincts. While this can be overcome with persistent training, Cake could even be a boon in some situations. A scaly female may be seeking an equally scaly stud, or a Hand scientist may want to gengineer some extra-resilient Norns. Tell the Hand from me that it should appreciate Cake for what he is, and that he should be set free from the airlock and allowed to roam... Preferably a safe distance away from the Norns - they've gotta be considered too. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Ever since I was a Hatchling I've wanted nothing more than to be a father to a little me! But me and my partner have been trying for two seasons! It seems that something is wrong! We are both healthy and our Hand takes great care of us! I'm worried that maybe its fate saying I shouldn't be with my partner! What should I do? - Offspringless Dear Offspringless, Are you absolutely sure your partner is of the same species as you, and of the opposite sex? If your partner is of a different species to you or the same sex, no amount of kisspopping will result in the pitter-patter of tiny feet, so ask the Hand to install the inseminator for you. With any luck, you’ll soon be asking the Hand for another favour; to go shopping for baby blankets and baby toys.  - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, My Norns keep trying to eat me. How do I prove that I am not Norn food? - Not Norn Food Dear Not Norn Food, By not looking so darn juicy and succulent. Fend them off by lobbing some cheese in their direction - they need real food to gorge on!- Laura |
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| Dear Laura, My Hand, 'scoota94', has been working in his GEN-LAB and I think he is trying to create a new type of Norn! I found a blueprint titled 'NORNI HUMAE', but I couldn't dechiper all of it! I got a F in school for Handish. I'm worried that this new Norn might be deadly, as the blueprint mentioned the phrase 'geneticly unstable'! What the heck does that even mean!? Do you think I should be worried? - Evelyn Dear Evelyn, My own knowledge of Handish suggests to me that this ‘NORNI HUMAE’ blueprint, that you speak of, details the plans for a new Norn whose genetic makeup may share a chromosome or two with the Hand itself!  It's no secret that Hands have always been experimental, with ways and means that only they know of. If this is the case, you really ought to give this new Norn a chance when it’s imported. A Hand-like Norn would be an extremely convenient presence to have in your world, in the event of the Hand going A.W.O.L. (imagine having a Norn around that knows how to fight disease!) and who knows? It could be that this Norn is a kind, gentle being who’s just misunderstood – it would be unfair to judge its character purely on maladjusted genes. I know that, to you, it may feel like your Hand is overstepping its boundaries right now, but I’m sure it only has its Norns’ best interests at heart.- Laura |
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| Dear Laura, My mommy went into da splicer wid a Grendel and hasn't come back! Plus dere is dis new kid called Grenda and she is a Bruin Grendel Norn. What happened to my mommy? - A sad lil' Bruin norn Dear A sad lil' Bruin norn, As hard as it is to admit, your mommy has united herself with this Grendel in a supreme act of love, giving of her own life and genes to create this child with the Grendel. Grenda is her daughter and your half-sister. Please don't blame Grenda for your mother's loss - the Hand would have told her of the cost involved. This is what your mother wanted, and she would have also wanted you to look after your little sister. Look on the bright side; you now have someone who could be taught to think the sun shines out of your tail. If you treat her right, she’ll do right by you. I think a bodyguard would be extremely useful to have around. However, you shouldn’t use this as an excuse to start picking fights with Grendels and then expect Grenda to protect you, more rather you can now avoid any fur-wedgies from those raucous adolescent Hardman Norns.  - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Me, my wife, and my two children are all wanting to adopt a Norn from the C3 Egg-layer. But, which breed should we choose? We were thinking of a female Bondi Norn or a male Dream Norn, I'm not sure, please help us! - Najib the Bengal Norn Dear Najib the Bengal Norn, I'm glad you've discussed this with all of your family before going through with the adoption, but have you considered the possibility of adopting an orphaned youth who would really benefit from a loving family? There are limited resources on the Ark, so it's usually better to redistribute the cheese to already-living Norns, unless your wife is also your three-quarters sister, and your children are also your cousins. For some reason hands get really picky about that sort of thing. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, All the other Norns are hiding in the Ettin Swamp just to get away from my smell and that place stinks! It's not my fault I don't like to take showers! It's the Hand's! It didn't take a shower for weeks and they didn't mind. Why can't I? Laura, help me so I can hang around with the others again. (P.S. I would prefer this help doesn't involve me taking a shower by the way). - Does Not Smell Dear Does Not Smell, The Hand does not have sweat glands or fur as you do, nor does dirt stick to it. It is merely a clever automation, designed by the Shee, to provide Norns with their every daily wish. Hands do not need showers, Norns do. Showers feel nice, and if you used them you’ll be less likely to get sick. However, if its pleasant and calming ambience is too boring or too sissy for you, you might consider going for an invigorating swim in the ocean. After plunging off the end of the jetty you should re-emerge squeaky clean and sweet-smelling! Perhaps you could invite the other Norns along too and rebuild your bond with a "Who can make the biggest splash?" contest? Just make sure that you stay close to your pal the Porcupine Puffer Fish in case you get too tired.- Laura |
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| Dear Laura, We are the Borg. Lower your shields and surrender your ships. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile. - The Borg Dear The Borg, I must warn you that most of the Shee's computer systems still run Windows XP or Vista. It is therefore unadvisable and downright dangerous to attempt to assimilate their technology. If you destroy the 'Microsoft' offices and return in a decade, I'm sure we'll have a perfect Utopia for you to destroy and assimilate. Whilst you're waiting though, the Ask Laura Atomiser Cannon ™ makes a great pretend-battle toy. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, We are running low in our Grendel population! I'm afraid that my species isn't going to exist anymore. Do you know how to help myself and my friends? - Simon the Grendel Dear Simon the Grendel, I'll let into a secret... When a boy Grendel likes a girl Grendel very much, he starts to want to do strange things, like shine his scales, and take long walks with her. When you do these activities, although you might think it's yuck now, you will enjoy them very much. So, why not ask the Hand to help you choose a mail-order bride from The Creature Repository, and then set up an introduction? I recommend that your first date takes place during the day, in a romantic setting like the Grendel tree house, or the piranha pond, somewhere you can get to know each other over a nice picnic lunch. After that it’s entirely up to you. I also suggest that you carry a nice colourful bunch of fungi upon meeting, as a gift for your new girlfriend. You may feel that it's a waste of time to meet girls, but when a boy Grendel and a girl Grendel kiss-pop, the most wonderful thing can happen - a new egg! So, when you’re both ready, just remember to follow up the slap with a bit of tickle, and your world's population crisis will be at an end.  - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, My Norns have become obsessed with chasing Rexes! They are dying out like crazy, and the Rexes are overpopulating! At first I wanted to get rid of the Rexes, but I've decided that I should cultivate them. Any ideas of what I can do to make my little prehistoric pals happy? - Rainbowcat Dear Rainbowcat, Firstly, give any remaining Norns something else to occupy them, out of harm’s way. Perhaps you could clear out the piranha pond and let them have a paddle? The primary way of keeping the Rexes happy, to my mind, would be to give them an abundance of Grendels to devour. Hobble a strider; its plaintive cry will entice more Grendels to emerge to be sacrificed to the Rexes, and leave a Wind-up Car somewhere conspicuous, so that your Grendels can try to make their escape. After all, making sure that the Rexes get enough exercise is equally important! You could also make it a little sporting too, just for kicks, by strategically placing a few Selective Force Fields around as obstacles. Any Grendels that survive the first night will become wise to the Rexes' ways, so make sure to provide the Rexes with fresh meat regularly. ![[evil]](http://creaturescaves.com/images/smilies/evil.gif) - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Glub! Glubglub bloop blub glub Grendels. Glub glob blublub sandwich blub. Underwater blub glublub glub. Blubblub, blub glub glurrb starfish bloop? - Matty Mernorn Dear Matty Mernorn, Why yes, I think throwing starfish would indeed be an excellent way of fighting off the Grendels who are chasing you for your sandwich. They make good weapons when thrown like a Frisbee, being that they’re sharp and pointy. However, I strongly advise against eating sandwiches underwater. Regardless of your aquatic breathing abilities, you will choke. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, I am absolutely obsessed with Yu-Gi-Oh! I have my hair all spiky like Yugi, I talk in a really deep voice all the time, and I run around challenging people to duels! ... but I don't have any Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Any tips on convincing my Hand to code me up a deck? - YuGiNorn Dear YuGiNorn, First and foremost - avoid the temptation to challenge Grendels to duels, I don't think they go by the rules of the Marquis. In regards to the cards, your Hand might be concerned, given the last fad for Pokémon led to hundreds of Pokémon running wild across the Ark. I was told by several scared onlookers that you couldn’t walk standing upright, for fear of being smacked in the face by Pokéballs whizzing through the air at Speespeed! Perhaps though, if you promise your Hand that you’ll play with them responsibly, it’ll let you have that deck of Yu-Gi-Oh cards. The cards should go back to being cards after you’ve played with them though, they might be removed if not.- Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Why can I read Norns' thoughts? Ever since I was a youngster I have been able to read other Norns thoughts. Also I can send thoughts to them but they usually think I'm talking out loud to them. I would ask the Hand but he disappeared a little while ago. I'm really confused and need help! - Moss the Treehugger Norn Dear Moss the Treehugger Norn, Don’t panic, for I see a great opportunity in amongst all your confusion. Get yourself a fancy-schmancy top hat, a bow tie, and a soap box and set up an attraction in the middle of the Meso to showcase your unique talent. You’ll have curious Norns pitter-pattering from all corners of the Ark, eager to be astounded by your rare gift, for a small entrance fee of one piece of cheese. Their mouths will be agape in wonder, as they watch you correctly guess that one Norn is thinking to "push button". Their eyes will be rapt, when you ask them to look into yours whilst you implant the suggestion that they are a Doozer into their tantalised minds. I see ship-wide tours, I see you becoming an instant hit. First the Meso and then, who knows... the Warp! I see the Hand being seriously impressed by you when it returns, not forgetting that you’ll make yourself a tidy fortune, all of which you’ll be able to EAT! - Laura |
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