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Question From Not-so-handy Hand
Submitted on 6/11/2007
Dear Laura,
     My Ettin, Rama, thinks she's a pop diva superstar! Every night I hear her sing loudly on songs that don't make any sense at the time! My Norns haven't been getting any sleep, and they're getting even grumpier as drowsy Grendels slap them to keep themselves awake! How can I stop this madness?
- Not-so-handy Hand

Dear Not-so-handy Hand,
     You could set up some convenient teleporters and instruct the Norns to send her off to a secluded part of the Ship whenever she starts to sing. Either that or be accommodating by giving her the blueprint for a sound proof recording studio. Whatever you decide to do, at least then she’ll be able to sing to her heart’s content without everybody making a mad rush for the Advil. However, if it doesn’t work out for some reason and she still continues to keep your Norns awake with her constant renditions, maybe it's time to schedule a tour... Off the Ship, of course.
- Laura
Question From Curious Onlooker
Submitted on 6/11/2007
Dear Laura,
     If you could be any member of the EC, past or present, who would it be and why? Also, what is the best way to get rid of the Psycho Grendels?
- Curious Onlooker

Dear Curious Onlooker,
     Even though I’ve heard nothing to suggest that it’s anything but a reputable institution, I wouldn’t want to be any member of the Evil Council if given the opportunity. I am too content here, on the good side of the divide. Get rid of the Psycho Grendels by confiscating their psychedelic Flower Power t-shirts and rose coloured glasses and send them home! I have good reason to believe that they’re in league with the infamous Green Hippie Norns!
- Laura
Question From Spanky
Submitted on 6/10/2007
Dear Laura,
     My Aqua Norn, Kai, keeps spanking all my other Norns! Grendels are cowering at the mention of his name! He even started spanking me, of all people! Everything is going crazy over here! What should I do!?!
- Spanky

Dear Spanky,
     You are the Hand in a position of authority here, spank him back hard and see how he likes it! With any luck it may deter his fondness for spanking others when he realizes that it HURTS. If that fails, invest in several pairs of foam-padded underpants and attempt to ignore him.
- Laura
Question From Anton
Submitted on 6/10/2007
Dear Laura,
     My Norn seems to have gotten indigestion from eating too much detritus! What should I do?
- Anton

Dear Anton,
     Tell me, are your food supplies well stocked? I only ask because I am yet to meet a Norn who would willingly eat detritus... It’s common knowledge that Norns can have voracious appetites, the poor beggars can guzzle and scoff away without stopping to consider if what they’re eating is actually good for them or not – yours just got carried away. I’m tempted to suggest that you just let him sit it out until it passes, it's the only way he'll learn that detritus isn't something you eat! However, if you’re feeling sympathetic then get the Pepto Bismol COB out.
- Laura
Question From George
Submitted on 6/10/2007
Dear Laura,
     George really friendly. Meet George by the notoriously tall cliff edge.
- George

Dear George,
     Yes... You seem to have a real thing about meeting Albian advice columnists by tall cliff edges... After all these years I’d have thought you’d have given up this fixation and gotten a *real* hobby. Like Trish, I must turn down your offer, as I am quite attached to my anonymity and wish for it to stay intact. Oh, and back to the subject of hobbies, I strongly suggest you consider getting one. Join an abseiling association – it’s something you may enjoy and as a real plus, it involves notoriously tall cliffs.
- Laura
Question From Norn from the Future
Submitted on 6/9/2007
Dear Laura,
     Hello. I am a highly advanced norn from the future, in the game C4. Recently
I decided to look around in the past using a highly advanced time machine, and
I've noticed something very disturbing... The developers of my game still haven't made my game yet, and it should have come out a year ago! If they don't
make it soon, a break in the time warp will cause me to suddenly not exist. Please, what can I do to prevent this?
- Norn from the Future

Dear Norn from the Future,
     When you travelled to our era, you may have noticed that we have fewer Hands to care for you Norns than we used to. The populations of Norns, and the hands that love and protect them, are dwindling. :( In your past, there were obviously plenty of developers willing and capable enough to create the game you birthed from. Yet, in this time, they just don't have the capabilities (the full explanation involves marketing and such, but no doubt you wouldn't care, being a Norn and all). However, considering you call your world “C4”, which would logically come right after *our* C3, it seems possible that your history contains a major flaw – the flaw being that those responsible for supposedly creating C4 haven't even started yet on a game that's far more advanced than something that could be created currently. In any case, I'm afraid I can't be much help, and can only wish you luck in solving your very own predestination paradox.
- Laura
Question From A cool Hand
Submitted on 6/9/2007
Dear Laura,
     My furry little Norns don't get me. They continually jab on and on, "Eem don't understand Hand." I donno what the sitch is to 'em.
How do I get 'em to read me, ya heard?
- A cool Hand

Dear A cool Hand,
     Unfortunately, the computer and Holistic Learning Machine teach the Queen's English, good madam. If you wish your Norns to understand you, you must either stop "slanging it" or rewrite the computer's vocabulary. I would implore you to do the former, but if you must do the latter, you may find Frimlin's patch of some use.
- Laura
Question From Cheesy
Submitted on 6/9/2007
Dear Laura,
     My Norns are pummelling my Grendels with cheese! That made the Grendels really mad, so now they're coming with bazookas! What should I do?
- Cheesy

Dear Cheesy,
     From where I’m sitting it seems apparent that your Norns and Grendels are showing the classic signs of being exposed to too many cartoons, so perhaps the media is to blame here for influencing their overly active imaginations? Television can be notorious for giving the younger generation ideas. I’m certain that a correlation exists between superhero programming and the young mind, for I’ve witnessed young Nornlings jumping off high places with towels tied around their necks! Obviously your problem here is far more serious than the occasional bruised rump, so more stringent methods are called for. Take back some control by going to the agent control device and removing the bazookas and the TV set, and then separate the Norns from the Grendels - obviously they just can't get along at the moment. Give them some time to cool down, and explain to them why they're being punished and how things are going to be from now on - get them out into the fresh air so that they can channel their energy more constructively – they should be playing tag and hide and seek.
- Laura
Question From An Aquanorn
Submitted on 6/9/2007
Dear Laura,
     I've just moved out of the aquarium, and I'm scared. What should I do? Should I raise a family first? Get a job? I'm clueless.
- An Aquanorn

Dear An Aquanorn,
     Since you’re an Aquanorn, the first thing I think you should do is find some prime real estate no other Norns are interested in, perhaps the pond in the Norn Terrarium? With the Stickleback trout for company it should make you feel right at home. Other than that, you Norns don’t really have any worries in your life when compared to say, the Hand and the Shee, so pursue what you like – the whole Shee Ark is your oyster! All you need to do essentially is wait for the right little Norn to come bibbling along to make your life complete. Eat, sleep, mate and be merry I say.
- Laura
Question From Troubled Grendel
Submitted on 6/9/2007
Dear Laura,
     My mate and I have a problem. We want to have kids, but we both know that I'll get old if we do! Do you think that there is anything you could point our Hand to that might change this?
- Troubled Grendel

Dear Troubled Grendel,
     I know having kids can seem to put years on your life, I mean, that comes from chasing around after them all the time, and yes, they do make you want to pull your fur out sometimes! But you’ve got to weigh up the options here – is gaining a few years worth it when you’ll have a little carbon copy of you and your mate pitter-pattering around the Jungle Terrarium at the end of the day? Parenthood can be a very rewarding experience as you get to raise and watch your youngster grow up with its own personality and view of the world. For another perspective, just imagine how your Hand feels. The Hand has all those Norns to look after but it’s given it a purpose in life. In short, getting old is inevitable, but life is for living, so make the most of it and do what makes you happy! (P.S. A pre-pregnancy injection of the Life chemical, as well as good diet and exercise is recommended).
- Laura
Question From Shorty
Submitted on 6/7/2007
Dear Laura,
     I'm 50 minutes old and I've discovered eternal youth! All of my friends are adults and I'm still a "baby" to the Hand. They've even started calling me "Shrimp!" What should I do?
- Shorty

Dear Shorty,
     Invest in a pair of stilts and a top hat, I say. The top hat gives a sense of style and grace, Crème de la Crème - certainly not traits that could be called "Shrimpy". If they start calling you "Shrimp On Toast" I think you should clip 'em round the ear though.
- Laura
Question From Sheikspear
Submitted on 5/8/2007
Dear Laura,
     My Commedia is gone! Simply gone. I can't find it nowhere. I searched for it everywhere. What a shame if it's lost, it's such a funny toy when it changes shape. And my three Harlequin Norns are standing around with this big grin on their face... And I could swear, there were only two of them some while ago... Do you think they could possibly have anything to do with the lost of my green glob? Where else to look for it?
- Sheikspear

Dear Sheikspear,
     Go up to the third Norn and poke it gently. If it wobbles, like a jelly, you’ve solved the mystery! Harlequins have a reputation for being natural born clowns - maybe they were just practicing a new party trick – making convincing balloon animal-Norns out of Commedias (although I’d say they were cheating since a Commedia changes shape to whatever it’s near if it’s frightened). ;)
- Laura
Question From Phatty D
Submitted on 5/5/2007
Dear Laura,
     Yo Laurizzle, I'm one hardcore bro of a Magma! Woohoo! *clears throat* So here's the lowdown, dawg. I am cee-ravin' a nice lil' PS2. That be a PlayStation. But, ahh... My Hand don't know where to go to gizzle one! Tell me where, pleeease! With a cherizzle on top? Yo, dawg, this a-been Phatty D! (a.k.a. Fluffy Poopiekins... But you don't need to know that!) Later Yo!
- Phatty D

Dear Phatty D,
     Word up bruvva is that if yo' hand don't know where to get an agent, the place to be is "Where's da Agent?" - if it's not there, it's not *made*, dude. Also, props on the kewl name, Phatty D. If yo' hand don't like your 'tude, tell them to change it.
- Laura
Question From Soldier
Submitted on 4/12/2007
Dear Laura,
     My Hand has decided to start a war with another Hand, something about
more processing power, whatever that means. He's issued a draft and I've been selected to go, how do I get out of this?
- Soldier

Dear Soldier,
     Processing power, *completely unlike* political power, can be bought. Inevitably a war will only cost your Hand more in resources, lives and time than simply working to buy a newer processor. It might be worth explaining this to him, as his motives sound a bit confused. Go and diplomatically suggest that he just needs to save up his pennies and get a newer processor, rather than go to war. You may also need to rally your friends to the cause in case he considers you a "volunteer", though.
- Laura
Question From Perry Rod Norn
Submitted on 4/4/2007
Dear Laura,
     Hi, my name is Perry Rod Norn the purple C2 Norn, what the heck is a Grendel?
- Perry Rod Norn

Dear Perry Rod Norn,
     You claim to be a member of the Norn population, yet you do not know what a Grendel, the ultimate arch-nemesis to Nornkind, is? You've either had a very sheltered upbringing, or you're a human being pretending to be a Norn posting questions. If you are the latter, next time do your research before submitting to my humble column please, I am a very busy Norn. If you are in fact a Norn, be grateful that you have the blessing of not knowing what a Grendel is; you must’ve never encountered one before. Avoid going near the volcano and it should stay that way.
- Laura

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