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View Details (6)
Ghosthande RavenFire Zombiemold
Laura
Moe althalus99| Agony Aunt Advice Column | |
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| Dear Laura, My Hand has become very strange. One day I was walking on the ocean when the Hand yelled out "There's a horrible glitch!" All I had done that day was eat a few Doozers, levitate a few Norns, and teleport to my cheese. What is wrong with the Hand? - Glitchy Norn Dear Glitchy Norn, Ask your Hand to download a patch for you. You should soon be back to your old self - pestering the Doozers, eating your cheese and hopefully, only levitating Norns when you've been on the Hooch. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Every time that I put my Norns underwater for 20 minutes, they... DIE! And every time that I inject them with 45 gallons of Histamine, they... DIE! And when I put them in the Jungle Terrarium with 20,000 Grendels, they... DIE! What am I doing wrong?! - Norn-killer Dear Norn-killer, Well, you're obviously experimenting with the wrong kinds of Norns here. Only amphibious Norns can survive for extended periods of time underwater. Only Toxic Norns can survive large amounts of Histamine. Only uber-violent Norns can survive three rounds with a pack of Grendels. Please take advantage of the myriad of genetic breeds available - you'll find your game is much more enjoyable. Also, remember, these Norns depend on YOU to help them survive, so don't let them down - I'm sure you'll put up a great fight.  - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Is it really you? O, praise the heavens above! I was getting worried there - after having not heard from you in months, I was beginning to fear for your life. It's times like these in a Norn's life when you're really forced to re-evaluate your situation, and really think about what is important to you. It's taken me... A lot of thinking. A whole lot. But- I've sent you a bunch of flowers, hope you like roses! Anyway. I've been thinking... I'd like to catch up sometime. But not in the Norn Terrarium, too many people there - maybe in the Kitchen, in Albia? You know I make a mean cup of Albian Coffee. I've even made a new crema - heh, look, I'm babbling. Sorry about that. Anyway. Hope you can make it. Oh, I need a question... thats right. I guess I did ask one, but - what colour suits me best, do you think? - K'aeloree Dear K'aeloree, I'm terribly sorry K'ae, but as Trish once got an 'eloquent' invitation to join a 'fan' (read: STALKER) for a romantic evening by a cliff, I've always considered it prudent, and ethical, too, to avoid personal meetings through the column. And by the way, darling, green suits everyone. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, My hand has locked me in Ostrova, with some fierce Banshee water predators and has injected some Norn torture agents, all because I said "eat hand". - A magma norn Dear A magma norn, Psst... Just a little secret from one Norn to another... Our Hands tend to get touchy and mighty insecure (bless them) if you say anything about them other than "em love hand". Try saying the things it wants to hear, like, "no eat hand" and "eat food" and see if you're forgiven. If not, just face your fate like a hero, and think how fortunate you are that you won't have to be in your situation for much longer. Sheespeed! - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, It's currently very difficult to type, as my paws are stuck together. I have to type with ym noes. At the time, I was playing with the Hand's little funny tube that was laying around. It said 'Soopergloo' on it, or something. Now I can't seem to pull my paws apart! What do I do?! Is it amputation?! Will I ever use my paws again? Will I ever push the elevator buttons? What do I do! - Sticky Norn Dear Sticky Norn, You type extraordinarily well for a Norn who's struggling to type with her toes. With a talent like that, who knows what creative and artistic skills you can devote yourself to! But for now, try using your toes to do something more constructive than typing; why not try prising your paws apart with a sharp object? If that doesn't work then it's time to seek out your Hand's help and confess your sins. Maybe you won't be so eager to mess about with its possessions next time.- Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Why does everyone take pleasure in killing me? I haven't done anything wrong. I'm a pretty purple Norn. I'm too cute to die! Please tell the Handish to stop stuffing me in elevators and exploding things on me. Sincerely yours, Eem... *explosion* - Eem-Foo Dear Eem-Foo, Oh, the daily grind of being the official mascot and beta tester of C12DS... Didn't they fully brief you about your duties before you took the job? If not, that's disgraceful! I suggest you write a strongly-worded statement of complaint and register it with C.A.N.A, because they've deceived you and taken advantage of your helpful (if somewhat naive...) nature.  But for now, just invest in a flame retardant body suit and an iron lung, and hang in there soldier!- Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Hello, I used to be a Norn. Ever since the Hand returned from being AWOL to another planet, he has been injecting us Norns with animal genes from that strange world. My buddy has scales, a long tongue, and can change colors! Girlfriend? Feathers, a beak, and talons! And me? Well, I have huge horns, hooves instead of feet, and have an urge to say 'Moo' and bash stuff. How can I make the Hand change us back? - This Is Bull Dear This Is Bull, Now if I recall correctly, the - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, I am a female Harlequin Norn who gets teased and poked at by a bunch of male Draconian Norns. I tell them to stop but they won't listen. - Bullied Dear Bullied, If you're being bullied you must report to your Hand what's going on and it should be able to smooth things over for you. Maybe the Hand could discreetly suggest to the Draconian Norns that it has read the Harlequin Norn Story, and won't hestitate to take a leaf out of the Shee's book and send them off through a warp portal if they don't cease and desist. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Help! I am a female Norn that just kiss-popped a male Norn. After a while, I started to become fat, AND I ATE NOTHING! I became fatter and fatter, and now I'm starting to feel pains. What happened, and what can I do? - Dumb Upset Norn Dear Dumb Upset Norn, Please, I think you might want to sit down before you read any further... You're about to have a baby. You should have been taught this when you were younger, but that's what can happen when you kiss-pop another Norn. The normal proceedure, my dear, is to "approach norn home", squat down, close your eyes and PUSH. And get that jerk who kiss-popped you to at the very least hold your hand! - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Where do baby Norns come from? - Birdbrain Dear Birdbrain, They come in pretty coloured eggs, dropped from the sky by various storks - watch they don't peck your eyes out. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Grrr... My Norns keep on speaking bibble! I shout at them, hit them, throw them to the Grendels and to sleep with the fish, and still they say "Em boop bibble" and other such variations. What can I do to stop this menace? - Bibble hater Dear Bibble hater, Maybe they don't appreciate you being so obnoxious towards them and so they're excluding you from their conversations? Try being nice and give them a few new food and toy COBs if you don't want to be shunned any longer. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Oh Laura, my little boy, Jake, has just fallen into the pond! Telli pulled him out, but he isn't breathing - what do I do? Telli tried something called See-Pee-Arr (sounds vaguely naughty, but it isn't - well, at least, not much... Some kind of kissing thing, as far as I could tell), but it didn't help... He looks so peaceful, but I can't wake him up! Help! - Shara Dear Shara, It hurts me to have to break this to you, but I'm afraid the chapter of Jake's life has reached its tragic finale. But fear not, because as we speak, his spirit is probably soaring up, high above in the shining moonlight, dancing amongst the Yggdrasil branches which score the sky, as they sway like strings of broken lyres. He is on his way to the blessed Silicon Heaven, where he can enjoy eating all the cheese and honey he likes, free of sickness, and of Grendels. Life will be hard without him, I know, and the pain will never fade entirely; but always remember he is with you, in spirit, if not body.- Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Hi, I'm a Bruin norn, and I've got a serious problem. Every time I wake up there's drool all around my bed, and I noticed that my bananas are missing. What could this be? Help! - Bruin Norn Dear Bruin Norn, This is just a suspicion of mine, but go and take a visit to Symia's home. When you go in, if you are greeted by scattered banana skins, you'll know the culprit. Might as well take her the cleaning bill for your bedroom carpet too.- Laura |
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| Dear Laura, WE ARE THE BORG NORNS. LOWER YOUR TOYS AND SURRENDER YOUR CHEESE. WE WILL ADD YOUR DIGITAL DNA'S DISTINCTIVENESS TO OUR OWN. YOUR ETTINS WILL ADAPT TO SERVICE US. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. - Borg Norn Dear Borg Norn, My sharp tongue of wit, VS. a concoction of CAOS and pixels on a computer screen. Come over and have a go if you think you're hard enough. "Our cheese is locked away, we shall not give up its secrets. We shall fight until we can fight no longer, resistance is useless." - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Help! I'm Norndal, everybody in our world is a Grendel or a Norndal. Now, this *really* cute guy asked me out, but now all the guys are looking at me strangely, and nobody my age is dating. I've already recieved a bunch of flowers with a note from him outside my apartment in the Norn home. It's flattering, I know, but I'm not sure what he might do if I say yes. Please help me! - Saturn Dear Saturn, If he is well received by other Norns and considered a gentlenorn (or 'gentlenorndal'), you can expect a long, pleasant courtship which might involve romantic walks in the Bramboo, heartfelt poetry recitals and moonlight picnics of broiled Crobsters and cheese. However, if he's neither of these things then he is a scoundrel and a rotter, and as a well-bred young female, you should take no heed of him. Otherwise your reputation will be tarnished, and one's appearance and conduct is everything. - Laura |
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