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View Details (2)
Malkin
Razgriz| Agony Aunt Advice Column | |
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| Submit A Question |
Check back soon! |
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| Dear Laura, Ever since the Hand named me, everyone expects me to lead the Geat-slot breeds in order to defeat the resident Grendel! But Laura, I don't want to fight him! Sure, he's been stealing things and hitting Norns to death, but I'm sure he's just misunderstood, (plus his mom looks mean)! What should I do?  - Beowulf Dear Beowulf, Every Norn should face up to its destiny Beowulf, it's inevitable. Everynorn expects you to live up to your namesake and defeat the Grendel. You could run away from your destiny and get a name change, or you could prepare to face your fate head on. If the Grendel is hitting Norns, your furry comrades, to death, it's not just a misunderstanding. You could lead the Geat-slot breeds against the Grendel and his mother, or you could petition the Hand to install the "no hit norn"/Stop Slapping Creatures agent. As you seem to have a pacifist's nature, the latter route may appeal to you. However, be sure to find new places to stockpile food, toys and other supplies should you decide to go to war. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Today a really big critter followed me home... All the way across Albia!  I wasn't really sure if it was a goodcritter, or a badcritter, but it seemed friendly enough. I stood still like how the critter tamers tell you you should be when you're around a strange critter, but it wouldn't lose interest in me! I shouted down the lift hole of where I found the critter, but the radio was on too loud for me to tell if anyone was home. So I let it come home with me, but it was extremly hungry and it got into the carrot patch, and lay in *my* sleeping hollow! The nerve of it! And then my pet critters came and went to fight with it, and I still don't know what I'll do when my parents come home after their day in the lifts! Is there such a thing as a 'Critter Pound'?- Frazzled Critter Keeper Dear Frazzled Critter Keeper, Taking wild critters home isn't always a very good idea. They could have diseases or maybe even be dangerous! Now that the critter has eaten a bit, perhaps you should try taking it back to where you found it. If it's a wild critter, it will be happier where it belongs. If it's someone else's pet, they must be missing it a whole lot! If you explain the situation to your parents, I'm sure they'll understand and will try their best to help you and your new friend. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, (C3/DS) My Crypt control buttons have disappeared, how do I get them back? - I hope Julia isn't asking Dear I hope Julia isn't asking, I don't always know the answer to these technical questions you youngsters keep asking me! Why, in my day we had to trudge ten miles through the snow to the Help Forums to ask such questions. Uphill! Both ways! I'm sure if you ask this question in the help forum, there will be plenty of people to help you. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, My Norn thinks he’s a mime. I am becoming a bit concerned because he was pretending to be the Shee statue... He was very convincing actually, maybe a bit too convincing as he hasn’t moved an inch for two weeks! However, he is starting to smell… Well funny. How can I make him move again so he can take a shower? - Concerned Owner Dear Concerned Owner, If your Norn refuses to move, try distracting him with some cheese or his favourite toys. If that doesn't help, try prodding him with the hand, picking him up or perhaps even exporting him! If he really won't move, try taking the shower to him instead. Get out your garden hose and spray him good! - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, I'm feeling very put-upon, as our Ark is a complete mess, and my grandparents are coming to visit over the Warp. My parents have me cleaning and cleaning and cleaning the main areas, but my room is still strewn with toys and boxes to put those toys in. When my grandparents get here, they'll be extremly angry about my room, but I was busy cleaning the rest of the Ark! - Slave Dear Slave, Instead of complaining to me, you should go and clean your room whilst you still have time. Honestly, teenagers these days... You're lucky to have a room you know. Back in the day when I was a young Norn, we used to have to live in t' corridor, all twenty-six of us! - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, My Norns think I'm evil. I mean, just because I wear a shirt that says "I'm Evil", chase critters with pitchforks and howl crazily at the moon, it doesn't mean I'm evil. - The Demon Wolfie Dear The Demon Wolfie, Your Norns were right. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, How did you get so wise? Is there some kind of wisdom pill you might have possibly taken? It's simply astounding how knowledgeable you are about everything! - Your greatest admirer Dear Your greatest admirer, To become learned in a field such as Creatures takes many years of hard, diligent study. I can see your enthusiasm, and understand that I am totally amazing. In fact, I think any admirer of mine who feels that way about me should devote their whole life to my service, and make me a decent cup of tea whenever I desire one.  - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, My husband has been spending a lot of time on this site, reading your column, and hasn't been paying me as much attention as he used to do. He hasn't been picking me carrots, or taking me for long strolls along the Ettin Beach, and... Dare I say it..? The fire and passion has gone from our kiss-pops! He has even written in, declaring his undying love for you, when he has me at home. Juliet extremly sad. How can I win him back from your siren call?- A jilted Juliet Dear A jilted Juliet, I'm sure he didn't mean it - male Norns sometimes let their emotions get the better of them. Let him feel the weight of your displeasure - give him 'the silent treatment' for a while, and refuse to cook him dinner. Let him fend for himself for a little while. He'll come crawling back, don't you worry! I'm certain that he feels extremely sorry and wishes he could take it all back. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, I have become interested in this "Ask Laura™ Atomiser Cannon", and I was wondering would it rip up some wild waves if shot at the water? And could you decrease the price just that little..? I wanna surf and find Norn cheese banks to threaten, see? - Jac... Erm... Random Norn Dear Jac... Erm... Random Norn, Funny you should mention that, I have personally placed one of my Atomiser Cannons on a three day, eBay listing. New and un-pealed! So far no bids, but considering the work I've put into this... I think the ‘Buy It Now’ price is more than reasonable. Some say it's just a banana, but I wouldn't believe everything you hear. As for your surfing ambitions, I would suggest that you make a seaworthy surfboard first; otherwise you may very well drown. I can't say that I approve of your ambition to raid the Norn cheese banks, though... But anyway, happy bidding, and good luck!  - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, My love, our epic saga seems to go on into an eternity... For I was not in my right mind when I abandoned you at the altar, for the foul temptress, Kitten, had enflamed my passions with accursed potions which spoke of lust and betrayal! Do not judge me, I beg of you, but find it in your heart to let me at least stay by your side as honoured guardian and protector! Laura, it would fill the rest of my days to be by your side helping you in your epic endeavors. But, companion or no, go forth with the knowledge buried deep that I love you still, though the veils of treachery do keep us apart! - Liam Dear Liam, The veils of Treachery? Liam, the only veil that keeps us apart is the one I wore during mine and AquaShee's wedding. I have no doubts as to the accursed potions used by 'Kitten', and I cannot help but pity you - afterall, all red-blooded male Norns become putty in the hands of a female offering the darkest desires of one's imagination. However, you were meant to love me, and it was your duty to suppress your animalistic desires of lust and betrayal in our best interest. I am sorry Liam, but what if another temptress doth cross our path during the course of our epic journey? I cannot afford for you to go AWOL whilst satisfying your lust. My epic endeavours are my own, and, because of such, I shall go forth without you. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Is it but a residue that remains, dried and cracked from the harsh unforgiving stare of the sun? Or can our love be rekindled by the stars, swirling 'round the heavens in their glorious glory? Can our cup be refilled with effervescent love once again? For my heart aches in your absence, and every moment without you is like a dagger in the heart. Without your love I am wilting like a lily in the sun, and only the cool, refreshing might of your love can save me! Please, oh my Laura, come back to me and dwell in the warm climes of Elysia with me! - Liam Dear Liam, Oh, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." When I was wilting like the lily to which you now refer, and needed your love to act as my saviour, you fled. I threw myself into the fires of contempt, the cruel flames hardening my body and mind to the rejection you caused, and amplifying the love and devotion my Lord, AquaShee, has shown me. The light of heaven itself was nullified by the impermeable darkness you left me in... Therefore, dearest Liam, the warm climes of Elysia chime with the harsh winds of winter, the sun having been overcast with lies and deception. Elysia has lost its beauty with your presence, and I shall remain with the divine! (Was that poetic enough for you? )- Laura |
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| Dear Laura, My Norns have yet to take over the entire Shee Ark and the Grendels are constantly fighting them off back to the egg layer! And to make matters worse the Ettins are taking what few weapons my Norns have against these vicious Grendels! How can I get my Norns morale up and convince them to fight off those dirty Grendels? - Julius Caesar Dear Julius Caesar, Norns? What are you bothering with Norns for?! Wipe them all out with the new Ask Laura™ 'Atomiser Cannon'! Now for only four small payments of $9.99 a month, you can have your very own weapon of mass destruction! Order today! - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, For so long I have worshipped you from afar... Your beauty, grace, intelligence and killer sense of humour. Would you make me the happiest Norn in the world by consenting to meet with me? - Yours forever, Romeo Dear Yours forever, Romeo, Oh Romeo, Romeo... I am so very sorry, but I am afraid I'm somewhat already attached to AquaShee, Lord of all oceans blue. You see, when Liam cruelly jilted me and left me standing at the altar, my Lord came to my rescue and swore that from then on, I shall forever be his. And of course, I accepted. Being the fair young maiden that I am, always eager for a good whirlwind romance, I just couldn't tear myself away from his fiendishly handsome beard, or his crazy Jellyfish thing! Hence, he took me upon his noble steed, and we both rode off into the sunset. We've never looked back since. I did love Liam; my cup runneth over with love for him in fact, but now my cup has been emptied and a little residue is all that remains. So you see regretfully, it is with a heavy heart that I must turn down your most generous proposal. I am sorry that I cannot be the Norn of your dreams, but I shall also remind you, that there are many pebbles on the beach and other fish in the sea. Never lose hope Romeo, there is no reason why the right Norn shouldn't come along.- Laura |
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| Dear Laura, How are you so NICE all the time? If I was in your position I'd certainly implode or explode, whichever you prefer. - Nishette Dear Nishette, I can categorically say that the 'niceness' you described is only something that I show to people who ask clever and well formed questions. If you were to re-submit your question without punctuation and accompanied by 'l33t' spelling, ("y0 d00d th1s 5h1zZ47 RoXx0rzZ!!!!!!11eleven1111one" - I mean, really, what's the point?  ) you would soon find out that I am not the oh-so-friendly-pea-green-pen-totting Treehugger that I appear to be, but instead a ferocious female who can unleash the uncapped fury of a Hardman at will. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Me really mean. Me hit Norn. Me really want to behave. Can you help? Eem really want friends. - Mean Norn Dear Mean Norn, Well, Mean Norn, hitting people for no other reason than to cause harm to others could be caused by a case of troubled feelings, brought on by a distinctive period of emotional turmoil during your childhood. Therefore, you should revisit your childhood spiritually, and defeat the demons causing your anxiety. You’ll be a better Norn for it afterwards and I’m sure you’ll make lots of new friends.  - Laura |
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