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| Agony Aunt Advice Column | |
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| Submit A Question |
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she doesn't answer technical questions (that's what the Help forum is for)! |
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| Dear Laura, Oh, Laura... I love your leaves! They're so pretty! It's like you've got a beautiful Foresty Norn-fur paint job! Can I have it? - Leaf Lover Dear Leaf Lover, That's very flattering of you, but I'm afraid I need my fur to keep me warm. I'd feel terribly cold without it, and I don't own any clothes like those 'Creatures Village' Norns. Although, I'm not sure I'd want to go around dressed in a jumpsuit and quiff like the late Hand, Elvis Presley, and the metal in those suits of armour can really chafe.  - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Lately, the Hand in my world has been trying to do this thing called an "IQ Test." Well, my Mom figured out that this meant "starve baby Norns" and she died saving my brothers and sisters from the IQ test. Now, I've taken up her cause, but no matter how many Norns I save, the Hand brings more! I'm intensely hungry for starch. How do I convince the Hand to stop this IQ madness? - Father Hen Dear Father Hen, Well, I've had a devious peek at the 'Manual'... Apparently if you all eat plenty of food, avoid wet places like oceans and ponds, refrain from spending too much time wanting to "push button" in the lifts, and resist the temptation to kisspop or slap any Norns you meet, you should all pass this "IQ Test" with flying colours. The Hand will soon get bored, you just have to be sly and play it at its own game. ![[devil]](http://creaturescaves.com/images/smilies/devil.gif) - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, I have some Grendel body parts. My mother was Grendel, you see, so no one likes me! What should i do?! Should I say goodbye to the world and run into piranha pond? Or should I press the red button in the airlock? Or should I try to embrace my Grendel side and start killing those who don't like me, maybe...? - Lonely Norn Dear Lonely Norn, I would definitely choose the latter option and say you should embrace your Grendel side, but forget the part about killing those who don’t like you. Somehow I don’t think you’ll make any friends if you go down that route! Just learn to accept yourself for who you are. Your self-confidence will shine through those scales of yours and rub off on the other Norns, and then they’re bound to accept you too. Plus, an invitation to "push button" and a bit of mutual wallbonking can go a long way in forging those life long bonds. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, Lately I have been hanging out with this gorgeous guy called Aqua, he is French *giggle*.  Anyway, my Hand tries to keep me away from him all the time! It even slapped Aqua for kissing me! Now it keeps following me everywhere and refuses to let me go out late! It's like it's acting like my father! How can I convince it to let me have a relationship?- Anna Dear Anna, From what I’ve read, you’re obviously your Hand’s pride and joy, so it’s understandable that it’s going to be overly-protective of you, like any father would be with his daughter. This would also explain it's hostile behaviour towards Aqua, because it knows that water and non-amphibious Norns do not mix. What would happen to you if Aqua got carried away and dragged you underwater with him? You could drown. However, if you are serious about wanting to get to know Aqua better, why don’t you try and see if the Hand will reach a compromise with you? Perhaps you could suggest that the Hand chaperones your dates with Aqua, (preferably with your paws firmly on dry land!) until it trusts him enough. You should also allow it to inject a snorkel agent as a precaution. What about a nice picnic of cheese on the ship’s bridge? I hear the French are very fond of their cheese. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, My body parts are floating! The ground is blue and the sky is green! The sea is made of carrots and the submarine explodes whenever I push it! What should I do? - Glitchy Norn Dear Glitchy Norn, Deathcap mushrooms are not food. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, I am one hour and a half old, and like most Norns in my world, I have come down with chronic OHSS! I am sick of the constant wallbonking and hunger pangs that have become a part of my daily life. I have tried to end my horrid existance by, jumping off cliff edges, eating Deathcap mushrooms, and even aggravating the local Grendel! You know, the usual Norn death scenarios. But alas I am still living. Everytime I try these things my Hand saves me! I don't understand that creature! When a Norn doesn't want to die, it leaves it to drown! But the Hand constantly rescues me! How can I convince him to let me go to the Silicon Heaven/Hell above/below? - Depressed Suffering Norn Dear Depressed Suffering Norn, Please stop sending me these letters. I have answered the first letter privately to you, but instead you just keep sending me these very same letters over and over! It's as if you forget you even wrote those letters in the first place! I have included my original response with the copy of this letter sent to you, please deliver it to your Hand so it may give you its personal attention, and the refresher course with the Encylopaedia Nornica that you so urgently need. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, I am stuck in the Marine Terrarium, a foul, foul place, and there is nowhere to go! I can't get to the Ettin door, because the cave is flooded, and I'm running out of food! What should I do? - Beh Narg Dear Beh Narg, Oh, how I wish there were another door; perhaps one more obvious, like a main entrance which leads off the ship's bridge, and has all the food you could ever wish for on the other side! But, clearly, this door is just a myth, so I can't help you, sorry. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, I have committed the unthinkable! It pains me to say this but I... killed ten Grendels! All I did was push the airlock button! And it was by accident. Everyone calls me Beowulf and expects me to lead the ship! The Grendels are grouping up for an assault, the Ettins are stealing all our weapons, and I can't find any cheese. What should I do? - NOT Beowulf Dear NOT Beowulf, Under normal circumstances, I would tell other Norns in your situation to skedaddle and keep a low profile in the ‘My Creatures’ folder, until things blow over, but you are no average Norn, Beowulf. No false alias can hide you from this destiny which has befallen you. You need to be brave, like your namesake, and face this head on! I think the most obvious plan of action is to rally support from the other Norns and, with them, lead an epic assault to victory against the Grendels. And don’t forget your kleptomaniac neighbours, the Ettins! Use the cheese from one of the dispensers to forge a pact with them (tell them they can use the cheese to barter for gadgets and machinery). They have the weapons at their disposal, so obviously it makes sense to have them fighting your corner with a Sludge Gun... Until the disapproving Hand comes along and breaks up the raucous that is. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, My wife, a Desert Ettin, says I shed my hair all over the place, and that I smell? She doesn't even want to be near me! What should I do? - A Very Hairy Yettin Dear A Very Hairy Yettin, Whenever I start shedding my fur, I take it as a sure sign that it's time to rejuvenate my look! Maybe it's a makeover you need, in order to give your image, not to mention your relationship with your wife, a new lease of life. I suggest you take a shower (trust me on this one, it’ll be worth it!) and pamper your fur with some shampoo and conditioner, to make it soft and sweet-smelling, before giving it an invigorating blow dry to add volume. However, no makeover is complete without a new outfit, so next, why not shave off all that revitalized fur of yours, and have it tailored into a smart Tuxedo? Sometimes you need to be daring in the pursuit for love! I promise you, that combined with a nice gift-wrapped smell emitter, your wife will be all over you again, like Gosh-hawks around Grazers. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, I have always adored your column. Your mild humor, good advice, and, yes, even your sarcasm! But last month you were gone, no trace of the beautiful comedic advice I so craved. For leaving me in a great time of need, I feel so abandoned! Now I no longer have the fur on my tail! (Don't ask! It involves a Grendel, a cheese machine, and some garden tools) How are you going to atone for this ghastly sin? - A Very Angry Fan Dear A Very Angry Fan, The Hand had me sent away on Missionary work in the Warp; for the past month I have been too busy helping orphaned Norns find new, loving worlds to call home. Until you can be that nice, I don’t think you should complain. Would you really put your own hunger for humour before that of those who are really abandoned, lost and starving? No, I don’t think you would. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, OWWW! I was in the desert, when suddenly a scorpion stung me! It stings and hurts like crazy! What do I do? I feel weak... - OWWWW! Dear OWWWW!, No worries, the desert itself contains everything you need to cure scorpion stings! First, find a fully-grown cactus with yellow spikes. Mix the sap of this cactus with some blades of desert grass, it should grow nearby. Then boil this concoction in the sun for about three hours. The resulting powder should be mixed with wet desert sand. You can find this sand at night at about three-feet deep. Leave it out in the cold for the rest of the night, then rub the mud on the wound. If you apply the cure within an hour of being stung, you'll be safe! P.S. Where do you keep your CD collection?  - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, This may surprise you but I've got a phobia of HANDS! And I don't mean the ones on my arms but the floating one. I'm always running from them and can't eat or sleep for fear. I only tried to eat an egg (I like them fried) But the Hand slapped me for it! What do I do? - Fearful Dear Fearful, Hands have a pesky code of 'ethics' which prevents the consumption of eggs... They call it 'Cannibalism'. In order to live peacefully with the Hand, you will need to learn about and apply its code of 'ethics'... When it's looking that is. Most Hands are fair if these ethics are adhered to. However, if it starts muttering about 'Wolflings', then you may find your fondest wish fulfilled - the Hand may leave you alone for the rest of your life.- Laura |
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| Dear Laura, For a long time, I've been a loner. As of late, I've noticed that I've a bit of a temper, and decided that getting a real social life might do me some good. Only problem: I can't stand the other Grendels. Their tastes are far too different from mine for me to like them in the slightest. So oddly, I'm drawn to the Norns. And that's where another problem comes in: I'm also extremely shy and afraid that they might not accept me for my species. What's a lonely Grendel to do? - Confused Grendel Dear Confused Grendel, It’s understandable to be frustrated in your situation, but it won’t help to make some new friends; you’d scare off the Norns! You could always try dressing up in an old Norn skin (I assume you Grendels have them lying around as trendy hearthrugs...) as a cunning guise, to blend in and build a rapport with the Norn clan. Although, this idea does have its dangers. If your disguise slips, during a particularly intense game of bouncy ball, this may leave you even more reviled.  Perhaps it would be safer to win the Norns’ hearts from a distance. The giving of cheese is often the way to a Norn's heart, but in this case, it's probably wiser to give them something that they know can't be laced with Glycotoxin. An assorted gift basket of carrots, juicy apples, honey, tendril seeds, etc. will be more likely to win them over. You should however avoid the fungi, as the Norns may remember the Deathcap Mushroom of Albia long-past. Also, try not to grin too widely; showing your teeth might give them a fright. - Laura |
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| Dear Laura, LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! LAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAA! Lalalalalala! No one likes my singing! Ahhhhhhh! Laaaaa! LAAAAA! Why is that?! LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! - Singing Norn Dear Singing Norn, Take some singing lessons from those siren Mernorns... You can find them if you take a long walk off a short pier. I must hurry now, to the Medical Bay, I've suddenly got this most awful earache.- Laura |
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| Dear Laura, I pushed on the 'Reset Factory Settings' button on the Holistic Learning Machine, and now it's teaching everyone Bibble-speak! How do I re-program it? - Curious Norn Dear Curious Norn, Just walk away and pretend nothing happened. Deny all knowledge, and eventually the Hand will come along and find, to its horror, that all its Norns are greeting it with some incomprehensible, prehistoric babble and fix it itself. It knows where the 'instruction manual' is kept. After all, it certainly wouldn't be a laughing matter if it had to re-educate everyone by hand, now would it?- Laura |
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